I’ve been even thinkier than usual for the past few weeks, and it’s not the kind that leads to insightful blog posts. It’s the kind that makes me wish for a vacation from my own brain. I’ve made a lot of progress away from people-pleasing, striving, planning, and doubting, and toward boundaries and peace and confidence in God’s love and purposes for me. But it doesn’t take much to send me into a backsliding spiral. With just a little pressure, I question my choices, my future, and whether I’m wasting my life. I feel guilty about the comfortable, independent lifestyle I enjoy (when it’s a gift and not something I need to apologize for). I worry that I have to figure out what God’s plan for me is so I can do it. I worry that certain things aren’t happening in my life because I’m doing something wrong, so I have to get to the bottom of that too. I feel both paralyzed and frantic. I decide it’s time for another “board meeting” with God, where we invisibly sit down and hash out a Major Issue so I can show Him I’m serious and really need to hear from Him. (I thought this was a little crazy of me, but a friend I greatly admire does the same thing. I don’t mind being crazy if she is too.)
The other day, I was troubled about something, and figured it must be time for another soul-searching session. But my next thought was, Why do I have to keep doing this??? Why do I have to constantly agonize about everything? I lived like this full-time for about 30 years, but the new me can’t tolerate it. I just want to let go, enjoy my life, love God, love people, trust Him to guide and provide for me, and see what happens. Can’t that be enough?
I really want it to be enough.
So that’s where I am lately. Not much wisdom to share. Just an incoherently gushing mental tap.
I normally don’t comment on people’s blogs but you said EXACTLY what I have been thinking/going thru lately. Just wanted to say thanks for posting it..
The other day, I was troubled about something, and figured it must be time for another soul-searching session. But my next thought was, Why do I have to keep doing this??? Why do I have to constantly agonize about everything?
Yeah, that’s how I feel a LOT. I have these emotional breakdowns with God and then I get furious about the fact that I’m “having” to have yet another one because there’s still no change. Then I go through a period where I chill a little, but then I quickly start questioning all of my actions and worrying I’m missing out on something important, and I feel panicky at the time I’ve lost and how old I’m getting. I can never catch up. It’s a fun cycle. :P
*hugs*
I can *so* relate to wanting a vacation from my own brain! It would be fantastic to be able to turn the thoughts off.
I hope that you can find the rest and peace you crave in your ‘currently’. I have no doubt that, since your heart is fixed on God, He’ll show you what you need to know.
(sorry for the late reply; I’m catching up on my feed reading).