Hope and Possibility

rainbow I witnessed yesterday evening

I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time.

For years, I’ve been in a kind of stasis. Even as I’ve changed a lot on the inside, I’ve felt like I’m standing still while everyone else’s lives change around me. They say everything is for a season, but this season has felt endless. I’ve written about it endlessly too, so there’s really no need to rehash it. Basically I’ve found it harder and harder to hope that anything substantial will change for the better. I’ve resigned myself to finding peace and living as well as I can at the impasse.

A close friend and I have been discussing prayer a lot lately. Not long ago she got fed up about some upsetting things that she couldn’t change. Rather than keep assuming that God must sovereignly want her and her loved ones bogged down with these problems, she started praying about it. Hard and with faith that God would hear her. And you know what? Stuff started happening. No, God isn’t a vending machine, but the changes in the situation and in her are undeniable and inspiring. Witnessing it has been like a shot of espresso for my soul. Little by little, I’m bringing my stuff back to God too. I’m daring to be really honest with Him again. In a sermon I listened to recently, the pastor said we should pray with the expectation that God wants to heal and restore. We don’t have to presume that He prefers to work through struggle and difficulty, or quickly accept that as His will and shut down spiritually. It’s sad that this was revolutionary for me, but it was, and it’s already created a shift in my heart. I actually feel eager to pray again, about all kinds of things, because I believe it might actually make a difference.

Nothing drastic has happened to me – it’s just that good change suddenly feels possible. Unexpected, surprise developments are popping up on all fronts, like raindrops of hope. After years of drought, even scattered showers are a big deal. I’ve also made a decision that will hopefully lead to more growth and new opportunities, and I’m not afraid of it anymore. I’m learning that I don’t always have to stick things out and make them work – I can let them go. I feel an increasing certainty that winter is over and a new wind is blowing, and also that I wasn’t fully ready for it until this very moment. I don’t know how long it’ll last or how far it’ll take me. But it makes me feel alive, and I’m excited to follow where it goes.