Marriage: New and Improved

credit: Cassie Cardwell / The Warmth Around You

My wedding is less than six weeks away. There’s so much I’ve wanted to write during this unique time. I know I won’t be able to fully recapture my current thoughts and feelings on the other side of the line. But I’m surviving one day at a time at this point, and I have no illusions that that will change before the wedding. So I’m here to hit some high points in lieu of nothing at all.

Understandably, I’ve been working through a variety of fears about getting married again. They’re all purely my own damage and have nothing to do with Taylor – I would have them no matter what. The full awareness of how painful, damaging, and depleting marriage can be. The lament that statistically, marriage kind of sucks for women and why do we even do it? The grief of giving up a home that was mine and symbolized a formative time in my life. The fear of losing myself after I worked so hard to find her. The fear of “failing” again and being “Brenda Wilkerson, Two Divorces.” But a few facts always bring me back from the edge:

– Everything is different this time. Taylor could not be more different from my “wasband,” I’m the Technicolor version of the shadow I used to be, my approach to marriage has changed completely, and our actual relationship is miles better than anything I’ve experienced before. I’m very confident our marriage will succeed (if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be getting married), but even if a worst-case scenario happened, it would be for all new reasons. The only true mistake is making the exact same mistake twice, amiright?

– Taylor has proven countless times that he is for me. He loves me, respects me, and takes my needs and desires seriously. It would never occur to him not to treat me as an equal. He is blessedly free of evangelical gender-roles baggage and just sees us as two individuals teaming up and making a life together. I feel stronger and more myself having him in my corner (in contrast, my first marriage was a self-sustaining cycle of me erasing and emptying myself as I thought God expected of me, and my wasband taking full advantage of it). I know Taylor will support me in my life goals and in my pursuit of physical, emotional, and spiritual health, even if it costs him something. He will never plow ahead with something I vocally do not want. My ability to trust in that increases my ability to do the same for him. From the beginning, I’ve felt a strong sense of teamness with him that I lacked in my first marriage, but had noticed in marriages close to me.

– I am now a huge fan of marrying later in life. When I married for the first time at 25, an older co-worker advised me more than once that I was too young. I was actually one of the oldest of my Southern, Christian friend group to get married, so I thought she was crazy. Turned out, she had been down that path herself and knew what she was talking about. In our 30s, Taylor and I both know who we are and what we want, have seen and done some stuff, and have plenty of experience navigating life and taking care of ourselves. That foundation brings a sense of peace and stability I wasn’t expecting.

My main anxiety that’s yet to be resolved is living together. I’ve lived alone for nine years (he’s lived alone for a while too). Protecting the sanctity of my home environment – feeling peaceful and safe, knowing what’s going on in my home – has always been crucial for me. My divorce included some trauma in that area, which made me even more high-strung about it. Even though it’s been a little lonely at times, I never wanted to consider a transitory roommate, and fortunately I could afford not to. I’m not sure I even remember how to live with another person without driving each other crazy! But I know once the move is done and no longer an untested abstract concept, I’ll probably love living with him.

I’ve also spent almost a decade perfecting my surroundings, finding décor that flows well and makes me happy. Now I’m moving into a home belonging to someone whose style is different. We’re working on meshing our stuff, but finding a new style together – and finding places for things – is going to take a while. These are major First World Problems, but they’re real to me, and not for purely superficial reasons. However, I’m not sorry we both fully inhabited our homes while we were single. I stopped believing in “leaving room for your future spouse” a long time ago. Take up all the space, single friends. LIVE NOW.

So if you’re wondering How I’m Doing, I’m exhausted and processing a lot of things, but overall I’m good. It’s all a lot easier when you’re with the right person. I have plenty of help and support with the things, not least from the wonderful man I get to share my life with. As he likes to say, lots of good times ahead!