No Is a Complete Sentence

For years, I’ve been working on establishing personal boundaries and learning to say no. I still have a long way to go. My episode of burnout gave me the ability to say a strong no to commitments that I know would drain me – the consequences to my overall health aren’t worth another nod of approval. But I’ve never once done so without guilt. After all this internal work, I still don’t feel entitled to more than the bare minimum of margin that will keep me healthy.

Relationships take time and work. Being part of a community of any kind takes time and work. You can’t make a lifelong habit of saying no to everything. However, I’m trying to take the following into account to help me choose my no’s responsibly:

♥ Am I a person to this person asking me to do something, or am I a commodity? If the asker cares about you, they will trust your judgment if you need to say no to an activity or commitment for your own well-being. They might not even demand an explanation. They might even ask if you, yourself, need help!! But if the asker is just looking for a higher head count and/or free labor… not so much.

♥ Most people will accept whatever you can give, even if it’s not as much as they wanted. I’ve been making a practice of saying “I can’t commit to this long-term thing, but I can help with this one event.” “I can’t respond to every fundraising request I receive, but I can give some money to these few people.” Some is better than none. If someone has a problem with that, you do not need their toxicity in your life.

♥ The world, the church, your causes, your job, and even your own loved ones are capable of taking and taking and taking from you, without a second thought, for as long as you let them. It can be malicious, but most of the time it’s just myopia and cluelessness. You MUST be your own gatekeeper and use your own voice. It is YOUR responsibility to draw your own boundaries. It’s not selfishness. It’s self-preservation. It’s believing that the person you are when you’re operating at full capacity is worth protecting. Christian women are at a disadvantage in this area, because many of us were taught boundaries were sinful, or God would grant us divine strength, or even that he wanted us to burn our selves away on an endless pyre of sacrifice. But here’s what I’ve learned: The Giving Tree is not an aspirational tale.

I’m tired of carrying a heavy load of guilt and shame over every no I say. Realizing that my bare minimum has turned out to be more than I thought, and I have less of it than I did a year ago: shame. Realizing I have to respect my introversion, after being programmed from birth to ignore and reject it: shame. Accepting this reality as a thirtysomething unmarried non-mother, whom society depicts as rolling like Scrooge McDuck in a vault of unlimited time, money, and energy: more shame. (PS, I’m still ramping up to writing a long-percolating post on Childfree Guilt.) I know I’m surrounded by people who feel the same way, and I hope these words make you feel a little less alone, and that these guideposts help you as they’re helping me. We’ll all get there together, one no at a time.