I LOVED Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project – it’s given me a lot of food for thought! In the book, Gretchen lists her personal “Commandments” and “Rules of Adulthood,” which she refers to in low or stressful moments to remind herself of what’s important. That inspired me to make my own list. I can’t separate them into commandments and rules like she did, but these are some practical truths I live by – things I’ve learned that continue to apply to my life. I haven’t mastered them, but I believe in them.

What is fun for others may not be fun for me, and vice versa. (And that’s okay.)
This is one of Rubin’s main Rules. She writes that she’s always wished she enjoyed cooler things, and felt guilty or dumb about the things she does like. Light bulb moment! Consciously embracing my preferences has brought more freedom to my life, but I still fight it. Many of my friends are passionate about things that I wish I liked – beer, staying out really late, certain kinds of music, global missions, Frisbee, The Bachelor, etc. But it’s okay that I’m not really into those things. I also don’t have to berate myself for my domestic tendencies… having a fantastic time at home with a book or in my garden, or, let’s be honest, cleaning out a closet.

Not better or worse, just different.
This ties in nicely with the previous rule. Depending on your place in the world, some traits and preferences are perceived as more desirable than others. That’s just life. But I’ve been repeating this rule to myself for a while now for two reasons: I want to stop comparing myself unfavorably to everyone I meet, and I want to be less judgmental. The judgment part is especially important to me as a Christian. It’s easy to call something a sin when it’s really just a personal difference!

The truth will always come out in the end.
Yes, sometimes the truth is known too late to spare the innocent. In rare cases it might not come out until the literal end of time. :\ But justice will always be done eventually. I’ve lived it.

When in doubt, flipping a coin will reveal your true feelings.
My college roommate Kathy taught me this and it’s foolproof. When you’re happy or disappointed about the outcome, you’ll know what to do!

Don’t waste the pain.
As C.S. Lewis famously said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain; it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” I believe suffering is the best platform for growth and learning. I’m not going to seek it, but I want to glean all I can out of it and be strengthened by it. That even applies to exercise. I guess you could say I have an overall judo philosophy.

Deal with the leftovers before they get moldy.
We’ve all found stuff in the fridge that should have been tossed a long time ago. It’s tempting to shove it to the back and avoid dealing with the grossness. But eventually, you WILL have to clean it up, and by then it’ll be even grosser. So don’t put off the inevitable. This also holds true for emotional and relational leftovers. I try hard not to let them fester even if it’s really unpleasant at the time. Better to address it now than to let it grow into who knows what.

It doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.
Okay, this is The Nester‘s tagline, but I came across it at exactly the right time. For many years I didn’t see the point in writing, or exploring other creative interests, because whatever I produced wouldn’t be perfect. Or even good. There was already so much mediocrity in the world, it seemed wrong to add to it. This attitude extended to everything I did, not just creative things. But a few years ago, I launched a long-term war on my perfectionism, and my life has been so much better for it. In my weaker moments I still let other perfectionists get to me, but usually I feel sad for them because I’m familiar with that prison, and it’s a terrible place.

Everything in moderation: OR, Something will eventually kill me anyway.
I’m not an all-or-nothing person when it comes to food. I wouldn’t last a day on any extreme diet. I’d rather have a little of something than never have it at all. I also have two physical vices: caffeine, and artificial sweeteners. I rarely drink, have never smoked, and generally take good care of myself, so I refuse to feel guilty about coffee, tea and Coke Zero. After all, marathon runners on organic diets drop dead every day.

Either bring your own drink, or know where you can get one.
I have excessive hydration needs, so this is just common sense. If Mattel ever made a Barbie of me, it would have a little tumbler or McAlister’s cup in its hand.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Plato’s words, not mine. I’ve learned firsthand that you NEVER REALLY know what someone is going through. They might be in a painful situation that you have no clue about. I don’t always succeed, but I try to remember this when dealing with rude, hurtful, or annoying people. Or when friends or acquaintances seem “off” for no obvious reason. Some people are inherently jerks, but usually, there’s something behind bad or weird behavior.

What are some of your commandments?

4 Comments + Posted in: imperfection, reflections

Last weekend I went to Nashville for Debra’s birthday! I even took Friday (her actual birthday) off and drove up early. The extra time made a huge difference – I usually get there late after a day of work on Friday, or go up on Saturday morning. We were able to do a lot, considering she has an almost-three-week-old baby!

We got much needed pedicures…

…painted cats at The Wine & Easel (not using the recommended colors – we’re rebels!!)…

…went to the Cheesecake Factory (always a special occasion in itself)…

…and of course, got in plenty of Niecy time!

 

It had been months since Debra and I had any Hermanas Only time, so I’m especially thankful to Lance for inviting me and arranging for everything!

Niecy is a pretty well-behaved baby, and Debra and Lance are still taking everything in stride. I loved having some time with this little family without the rest of our family there. Lance handed Niecy and a bottle off to me within minutes of my arrival. :) I’m so happy to help take care of her, learn stuff, and exercise my dormant maternal instincts. I haven’t interacted regularly with a baby since my brother was one, and my inexperience makes me nervous and self-conscious with other people’s babies. So it’s wonderful to be a new aunt with nothing to prove!

3 Comments + Posted in: family, nashville

You never know from whence random inspiration will come…


“And remember that a no is free. Ask for what you like, and get used to being turned down. Rejection is hard, but to get acceptance you have to put up with a lot of rejection. If you really like something, don’t ever think, Can I do this? If you think Can I? you won’t. You have to say, ‘I’m gonna do this, and nobody’s gonna stop me!’ But you have to believe that, you can’t just say it. It might take really a long time, because people never say you’re good at first. Or if they do, you’re a flash in the pan and it’s over.” 
— John Waters, via Stephanie Perkins’ blog

“When I was going through a bit of heartbreak a little while ago, I said to a friend, ‘Wow, this really hurts!’ And he said to me, ‘That just shows you what your capacity for loving is.’ After that, the heartbreak felt different to me, because then it became about abundance, not deficit. I would rather have my heart broken a thousand times than never to love at all. I have so much love to give – I’m not empty of love, I’m full of love.” 
– Cameron Diaz in InStyle, May 2012

“We just thought, if you’re Ted Mosby and you’re getting into your mid-30s, and you feel like you’re not meeting the right people, you would absolutely convince yourself that you already know who you’re supposed to marry. We’ve seen him do that with Robin and once it’s not Robin, hell, it must have been Victoria. Victoria is the one I screwed up, and I should go back there and that’s the one. I have to make it work. Ted the planner — Ted the overthinker — would definitely think that. It’s so true to his character. We’re going to see him convince himself that he must have already met her, and he’s got to go backwards to get her. But it turns out, that’s not right. Ted still has to move forward to meet the mother. He’s going to learn that and then we’re going to see him do it.” 
– Craig Thomas, co-creator of How I Met Your Mother, about the season finale, on EW.com.

“Finding strength in the Lord your God is no guarantee your hope will be fulfilled. But it is strength for one more step than you think is possible.” 
– Gary Morland, Scary Hope: Courage and a Kick To Hug Hope, Face Fear, and Get Going (trust me – you need to read this book!)

2 Comments + Posted in: quotes

I’ve been (unofficially) on my own for two years today. It’s an Ebenezer milestone – a monument to how far God has brought me.

I hate to use reality-show parlance, but this post-divorce life has been, and continues to be, a journey. The progress has been incremental and hard to see in the short term, but when I look back over time, I’m amazed. Somewhere along the line, I finally, fully adjusted to being a single person. I stopped feeling like I was missing a limb and everyone could see my injury and incompleteness. I stopped feeling sad or weird or conspicuous about doing things alone, or hanging out with couples. Independence, and sufficiency as a single person, has come to feel really normal. It happened so gradually, I didn’t even realize it until recently.

I still have bad days, but they’re different. When you’re in crisis, everything gets boiled down to its base level. Now, with the crisis far behind me, life is more complicated. Now I’m running a marathon with no clue where the finish line is, or how to recognize it, or whether I’m even running in the right direction, and some days that’s very hard to deal with. And, with the way things are going, I’m constantly faced with the real possibility that I might never remarry or have children. That this is it. I tried to reach a place of being okay with that, but I gave up because ironically, it was making me miserable. At this point it seems best to think about it as little as possible. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it, but if I am, it’ll be a work of the Holy Spirit and not of me gritting my teeth and trying hard. Borrowing trouble is unnecessary.

But if this is my forever life, it’s a pretty good one. I’m surrounded by love and companionship and community. I live in my own little personal paradise. I can do whatever strikes my fancy and read as many books as I want. If I ever decide to take a risk or do something crazy, no one is holding me back but me. I know at all times what’s happening under my roof and where my money is going. I’m comfortable handling a lot of things on my own now, but help is always available if I need it. I can evolve and find my way without anyone telling me what to do or be. I have a unique opportunity to serve as a single woman in the church and show others like me that they are valuable. I get to play a special role in the lives of my siblings’ and friends’ kids. I am happy. I didn’t choose this path, and to a degree, I will always feel my loss and wish it hadn’t happened. But the person I am now, this whole, braver, purpose-seeking person, was born out of the ashes of my marriage. When my ex walked out, he unleashed the woman I was meant to be. I’ll never regret that for a minute.

God has never failed me on this road, and I have to believe that this is still just the beginning!

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6

3 Comments + Posted in: milestone, thankful

May and June are consistently my happiest months, and I think it’s largely because they’re the sunniest. When I can feel the sun on my face on the way to work and on the way home, I feel a burden lift that I don’t even realize I carry for most of the year. I can feel myself soaking up the light like a plant. Maybe it’s an HSP thing, or a Floridian thing, but lack of light takes a physical toll on me. It’s why I could never work a night shift or move far north, and why I won’t even look at a car without a sunroof. It’s why I got a sun lamp for my desk – being shut away in an interior office five days a week is far from my ideal situation. So it’s a huge relief to know that when I leave work, I’ll still have several hours of light to ride my bike or do yard work or lounge in my hammock or just feel like a human. I don’t have to rush around to get things done before sunset. It’s wonderful.

When I get old, or maybe sooner, I’ll probably have to move back to Florida for my overall health.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

9 Comments + Posted in: summer