Yesterday I reclaimed my maiden name.

I had a lot of well-thought-out reasons for keeping my ex’s last name after my divorce. Most of them were related to authenticity and convenience and had nothing to do with him. I stick by those reasons and know it was the right choice for me at the time. I honestly had no plans ever to go back to my family name, but the idea crept up on me at some point during the holiday season. All of a sudden, I felt like my married name wasn’t an honest representation of me anymore. It bothered me to carry the name of someone I have nothing to do with – I wanted to be known as part of my own wonderful family. I thought about the important things I might do in my life: publish a book, adopt a child, send out another wedding invitation. I realized I didn’t want to do them with his name. He shouldn’t get any credit for me! Whatever I might do, I want to do it as my root self.

Once I made the decision, it seemed like a good idea to take a vacation day and tackle all the red tape at once. Yesterday was the soonest I could do it. Because my divorce was final almost a year and a half ago, I had to go downtown to probate court and file a legal change of name. I’d never spoken to a real judge in a real courtroom before (confession: Legally Blonde quotes were rapid-firing through my head the entire time). It was a little unnerving, but overall very easy. I then toted my growing folder of documents to the Social Security office, the DMV, and the bank. In the midst of all that, my mom treated me to a celebratory lunch at TGI Fridays. We even split a Vanilla Bean Cheesecake (one of my all-time favorite desserts).

I feel good and happy about this change, but I dread the inevitable awkward conversations. People out of the loop are assuming I just now got divorced (this is about to include a truckload of co-workers and church people). It’s awkward to have to keep saying, “It was a year and a half ago, I’m doing great now.” I’m sure it makes me come across as blase, when treating divorce lightly is the last thing I ever want to do. On the other hand, if I’d changed my name right away, I couldn’t have handled those conversations. I was still too raw and private and would have cried every time someone asked me. So I guess breeziness is better than falling apart!

For a lot of divorced women, changing their names marks the beginning of their renewal process. But for me, it’s an outward reflection of an internal renewal that’s already happened. Kind of like a baptism of my identity. I’ve already been reborn as my own (well, God’s) woman. This is just the public announcement. Hopefully it’ll be a door to even more growth and new things!

8 Comments + Posted in: announcement, divorce, thankful

One of the best things about learning to sew at this point in time is the abundance of sewing tutorials out there. I have enough intriguing projects on my Pinterest Sewing board to last a long time (although I WILL have to look at a real pattern one of these days). This week I made a ruffle scarf from this tutorial!

Gandalf loves to help with creative projects. ♥

I bought three T-shirts at thrift (to make three scarves – why stop at one?). I love these colors. The instructions said to use “knit,” so I made sure all the shirts were blends and not 100% cotton. The yellow and gray were plain men’s T-shirts, but the fuschia is a women’s shirt. You can’t see the silver airbrushing on the side or the weird gathers, but trust me, it’s a nice fabric begging to be made into something less garish. (Sewing is already changing the way I look at thrift clothes. I’m more aware of the quality of the material, not just the garment itself. There’s a lot of potential there!)

This was a good beginner project because it gave me a chance to experiment with different stitches and tension settings. Basically, you cut off the T-shirt below the sleeves, cut it in half longways, “open” each half at the seam, and stitch those together to make one long strip of fabric. Then you fold or pin the strip in thirds lengthwise and do long “basting” stitches along the fold. This is the basic ruffling method. It was easy enough, although I had to keep moving the fabric to make sure it didn’t ruffle back on itself. You go over the folds twice with the basting stitches, then again with a normal stitch to secure. Then you’re supposed to rip out the basting stitches, but I figured, why bother? I was happy with the final product and didn’t want to mess with it.

I’ve gotten rave reviews on the scarf and can’t wait to make more! The others should go faster now that I know what to do, but this one only took about an hour anyway.

Peach wasn’t so thrilled with it, though. :)

3 Comments + Posted in: crafts

I’ve been even thinkier than usual for the past few weeks, and it’s not the kind that leads to insightful blog posts. It’s the kind that makes me wish for a vacation from my own brain. I’ve made a lot of progress away from people-pleasing, striving, planning, and doubting, and toward boundaries and peace and confidence in God’s love and purposes for me. But it doesn’t take much to send me into a backsliding spiral. With just a little pressure, I question my choices, my future, and whether I’m wasting my life. I feel guilty about the comfortable, independent lifestyle I enjoy (when it’s a gift and not something I need to apologize for). I worry that I have to figure out what God’s plan for me is so I can do it. I worry that certain things aren’t happening in my life because I’m doing something wrong, so I have to get to the bottom of that too. I feel both paralyzed and frantic. I decide it’s time for another “board meeting” with God, where we invisibly sit down and hash out a Major Issue so I can show Him I’m serious and really need to hear from Him. (I thought this was a little crazy of me, but a friend I greatly admire does the same thing. I don’t mind being crazy if she is too.)

The other day, I was troubled about something, and figured it must be time for another soul-searching session. But my next thought was, Why do I have to keep doing this??? Why do I have to constantly agonize about everything? I lived like this full-time for about 30 years, but the new me can’t tolerate it. I just want to let go, enjoy my life, love God, love people, trust Him to guide and provide for me, and see what happens. Can’t that be enough?

I really want it to be enough.

So that’s where I am lately. Not much wisdom to share. Just an incoherently gushing mental tap.

4 Comments + Posted in: faith, imperfection

6 Comments + Posted in: domestic

Quitter: Turning Your Job Into a Dream and Your Dream Into a Job by Jon Acuff
I felt like this book was written directly at me. Sometimes that encouraged me, and sometimes it made me a little angry. It’s insightful, and because it’s Jon Acuff, also hilarious. I don’t know that ALL of his dream-chasing career advice is applicable to me – it seems more geared toward entrepreneurs or Real Artists – but it definitely gave me food for thought. I recommend it to anyone fed up with their current situation, but not sure what to do next. I’m glad I read it.

Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare
Things get more complicated in this second Infernal Devices novel. The secret of Will’s jerkiness is revealed, Tessa receives Shadowhunter training and is torn between Will and Jem, and Charlotte has to track down the evil Magister or lose her leadership of the Institute. Plus some other surprises. I devoured this in about 24 hours. I sigh to wait another year or more for the next one.

Belong to Me by Marisa de los Santos
Why did I wait so long to read this sequel to Love Walked In? The story reconnects with Cornelia, Teo, and Clare several years after the first novel. Cornelia and Teo have moved to the suburbs and are having trouble fitting in with their neighbors, especially WASPy queen bee Piper (whose best friend is dying of cancer). Cornelia befriends another new woman in town, Lake, but is puzzled by her sudden mood swings, especially on the subject of Lake’s teenage son. It all leads up to a shocking twist that I, at least, never saw coming. De los Santos is a genius at writing realistic relationships, and characters you wish you could be friends with.

Basketball Made Simple: A Spectator’s Guide by P.J. Harari and Dave Ominsky
Since I love my Tiger basketball, I wanted to better understand the elements of the game. So I checked out this very earnest, but informative, guide. It covers basic player roles, strategies, and common fouls, and includes a general history of the game, NCAA and NBA. I also liked the profiles of famous players at the end.

The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules by Carolyn Custis James
I already talked about this one here.

Pretty in Plaid by Jen Lancaster
This volume of Jen’s memoirs covers her childhood, teenage years, college years, and early 20s… through fashion. :) As usual, she’s very funny and likable!

A Praying Life by Paul Miller
This is a book I’ll come back to many times. It’s about prayer, but it’s also about hope and honesty and disappointment. The main point is that prayer should be a natural part of all those things, integrated into our lives, not a separate item on a spiritual checklist. I’ve read some books on prayer that were pretty dry, but this one is almost as engaging as a novel. I can’t recommend it enough. It’s already changed my prayer life for the better.

Books for January/2012 year to date: 7

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