As I mentioned in Monday’s book post, I just re-read Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. It impacted me when I first read it several years ago, but this time I experienced it in a new way. This book isn’t theologically heavy – as many have noted, it borrows as much from epic books and movies as from the Bible. But I think it strikes at essential things in the hearts of most women, whether they’re “traditionally” feminine or not. One of my passions/personal themes over the past year or so has been how empowering and life-giving it is to become the people God made us to be. Captivating is about recognizing, and seizing, all that God made women to be – and don’t presume that that only involves bare feet and kitchens.

Anyway, I just want to touch on a couple of things. The following passage has haunted me for a long time. I feel the way she describes every day of my life, but I never could have said it so concisely:

I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I’ve ever met feels it – something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

Too Much and Not Enough. We get this message from ourselves, from our society, and even from those closest to us. So how do we de-program? How do we know what’s true about ourselves as women, and not forget it? That’s largely what the book is about. Here’s another passage from the last chapter:

The life of the friends of God is a life of profound risk. The risk of loving others. The risk of stepping out and offering, speaking up and following our God-given dreams. The risk of playing the irreplaceable role that is ours to play. Of course it is hard. If it were easy, you’d see lots of women living this way.

So let’s come back to what Peter said when he urged women to offer their beauty to others in love. This is the secret of femininity unleashed:

Do not give way to fear. (I Peter 3:6)

The reason we fear to step out is because we know that it might not go well (is that an understatement?). We have a history of wounds screaming at us to play it safe. We feel so deeply that if it doesn’t go well, if we are not received well, their reaction becomes the verdict on our lives, on our very beings, on our hearts. We fear that our deepest doubts about ourselves as women will be confirmed. Again. That we will hear yet again the message of our wounds, the piercing negative answers to our Question. That is why we can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God. When we have received His verdict on our lives – that we are chosen and dearly loved. That He finds us captivating. Then we are free to offer.

I struggle every day not to let my own wounds keep me from taking risks, not to let my “negative verdicts” define me. This is an excellent reminder that God’s verdict is the only one that matters. I don’t have to hold back because of fear. And neither do you!

3 Comments + Posted in: book reviews, reading, womanhood

Of the many muffin recipes I’ve tried, this is my favorite so far. It’s loaded with delicious things that are great for you, and the balance of ingredients is perfect. Since baking a batch, I’ve really looked forward to breakfast!

Apple Banana Pumpkin Muffins
From Sparkrecipes. Makes 1 dozen. About 130 calories per muffin.

Ingredients:
1 cup whole wheat flour
½ cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
½ tsp salt
2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
2 ½ Tbsp flax seed meal
1 egg
½ cup brown sugar
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 tsp vanilla
¾ cup 1% milk
½ cup canned pumpkin puree
1 ripe banana, mashed or pureed
2 Tbsp raisins and/or Craisins

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 400 F and grease a 12-cup muffin tin.

2. Sift together dry ingredients (flours, baking powder and soda, salt, pumpkin pie spice, and flax seed).

3. In a separate bowl, beat the egg and brown sugar together until well combined. Stir in vanilla, milk, applesauce, pumpkin puree, and banana.

4. Add wet mixture to dry mixture and stir until just combined. Fold in raisins and/or Craisins.

5. Pour mixture into muffin cups and bake approximately 17 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

1 Comment + Posted in: baking

Captivating: Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge (re-read)
It’s been a few years since I first read this book, but I get even more out of it now. Apparently a lot of women hate it and think it’s demeaning and overemotional, but I totally disagree. I connect to it deeply and find it empowering! I plan to post some quotes and thoughts soon.

Writing Down The Bones: Freeing the Writer Within by Natalie Goldberg
I started reading this, oh, last fall sometime. I wanted to make sure I was really absorbing it, so I made myself read slowly, and eventually forgot about it. :P Well, I’m glad I picked it back up because it is BRILLIANT. Also laugh-out-loud funny in parts (her epiphany about a buttoned-up writing class: “I know what the problem is! None of you have ever taken LSD!”). Although the author and I come from very different perspectives, I totally got her points and think they’ll be helpful and valuable in my writing. This is definitely a future re-read!

Flying Solo by Denise Hildreth Jones
DHJ is a Christian fiction author, and these are excerpts from her journal during the year after her divorce. If you’re divorced, have a loved one who is, or just want to understand what it’s like, READ IT. Whole chunks of it were things I’ve said or thought almost verbatim. I wrote a long review for this book, which I planned to submit to Blissfully Domestic, so I’ll hold off on posting it until I learn how to write a query and see if they might want it. :\ Anyway, I think it was incredibly brave of Denise to publish this.

Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins
This YA novel about an American in Paris lived up to the massive hype. I finished it in one night! Anna and her friends are realistic and likable, and Etienne St. Clair is totally swoon-worthy. It’s a fun, romantic, intelligent story not involving vampires or werewolves, or glorifying Ke$ha-like behavior. And the jabs at Anna’s dad, who’s an obvious stand-in for Nicholas Sparks, were hilarious. I loved it!

This World We Live In by Susan Beth Pfeffer
In this final book in the Moon trilogy, the teenage protagonists of the first two books meet. I was chomping at the bit to read this, but ended up disappointed and don’t know why. Maybe the bleakness of the post-moon world finally got to me. Maybe I’ve lost all ability to buy into a love story between strangers. It wasn’t bad, but it didn’t thrill me. The first book is still miles ahead of its sequels.

Shelf Discovery: The Teen Classics We Never Stopped Reading, edited by Lizzie Skurnick
A collection of essays about classic children’s and teen books. I enjoyed the chapters about books that I loved as a kid, and was made aware of many others that I missed!

Books for April: 6
2011 year to date: 28

2 Comments + Posted in: book reviews, reading

I set an alarm for the royal wedding this morning (or should I say middle of the night?), but when the time came, I was just too sleepy. So I’ll watch the recording tonight! I did wake up in time to see the new prince and princess leaving in the carriage, and they looked so beautiful and happy. Her dress is gorgeous!

In honor of the happy event, here are some of my favorite fictional weddings:

Monica and Chandler, and Phoebe and Mike, on Friends. These are a given. :) Although I usually identify with Monica, I thought Phoebe’s wedding in the snow had a special magic about it. It’s a bummer that we never got to see Ross and Rachel’s wedding, but I was kind of over them by the end of the show anyway.

Maria and Captain von Trapp in The Sound of Music. I seriously have chills just thinking about it. The whole scene is so holy and awe-inspiring.

Lucy and Peter in While You Were Sleeping. (This movie will get its own post eventually!) It’s so hilariously awkward. Like an Office wedding before its time. “I object.” “Get in line!”

And speaking of Office weddings:

Jim and Pam. Everything about it was completely perfect.

Meg and John in Little Women (the book more so than the movie, of course). Just a small backyard wedding with a focus on the important things!

Peyton and Lucas on One Tree Hill. You knew that was coming. I don’t know what it is about Peyton and Lucas that gets me so, but I cry buckets every time I catch this episode.

Aunt Bea and Uncle Hobart in Ramona Forever (I was unable to find a Ramona and Beezus screencap). Another simple, happy thrown-together wedding, but with a greater can-do spirit and sense of fun than the Little Women one. (As much as I admire those Marches, they’re almost monastic sometimes.) It made me happy to read about even as a kid.

Anne and Gilbert in Anne’s House of Dreams. (This picture is for visual only – I’ve never seen the atrocity that is the third Anne movie.) Their love, it is pure.

Melanie in Sweet Home Alabama. I wouldn’t count this among my favorite movies, per se, but everything from the wedding until the end is GREAT. This wedding gown is possibly my favorite ever captured on film. And that little veil? So classic!

3 Comments + Posted in: love, movies, reading

Things haven’t been all great for me lately. I had a cavity filling that was supposed to be no big deal, but my mouth is still wounded and painful two days later. My favorite Generation X station was replaced by talk radio. I lost my column at Blissfully Domestic because they suddenly transitioned to all paid, pre-scheduled content (I can still submit article queries, but I don’t understand how that works yet. I need to read the editor’s e-mail about ten more times. Why didn’t I major in journalism?).

More than these small disappointments, I’m feeling the approach of the anniversary of the end of my marriage. (To me, the end was the being left, not the paperwork.) I’m happy most of the time, and am way past the point where being divorced dominates all my energy. I’m making my own life, and I like that life. I’m well provided for. I know that (because of God’s love and mercy) I have “done well.” But with this anniversary looming, I feel restless and discontent in a vague sort of way. I’ve had all this renewed purpose, these grand hopes and plans. Or rather, total confidence that God has grand Jeremiah 29:11 plans for me, big happiness and fulfillment and accomplishment. It’s a confidence I’ve never had before. But lately a little voice has been saying, Who are you kidding? Do you see any indications that the things you hope for will happen? Any opportunities in reality? You have no real plan, you’re deluding yourself, and everyone is laughing at you.

I know where that voice probably comes from, but I’ve had a hard time ignoring it. I feel like I was allowed a year to figure out the rest of my life (ridiculous), and now my time is up and I don’t have the answers. Nothing magical has happened. I’m still mostly… waiting, although it’s an active waiting. But despite how I feel, waiting doesn’t suddenly become unacceptable because of a day on a calendar. It doesn’t make me weak or directionless or washed up. The truth is, most of us spend most of our lives waiting. Life’s big moments, when everything comes together, were never meant for everyday. That’s not where our faith is built.

I got a great e-mail from a friend this morning about how Psalm 27:14 has encouraged her:

I needed this reminder that God encourages us to wait on Him, and be hopeful and expectant for what He will do. It’s not delusion. It’s strength and courage. :)

3 Comments + Posted in: divorce, faith, reflections