- Monica, please comment or e-mail me to claim your Myla Smith album download code! If I don’t hear from you by next Wednesday, I’ll draw another winner.
- My friend Laura recently wrote about starting a kindness revolution among mothers. This post has great applications for ALL women, moms or not. I applaud her for shedding light on a really serious and under-recognized problem.
- Just in case someone still hasn’t heard about it, I have to recommend Hyperbole and a Half. The woman is a genius. The first time I read her Sneaky Hate Spiral post, I laughed until I cried.
- I’m going to see The Social Network tonight! After all the hype this movie has received, I hope it won’t disappoint me. I usually like anything involving Aaron Sorkin. :)
2 Comments + Posted in: movies
My divorce was final on September 9. The papers arrived in the mail about a week later… an anxious week of waiting, because I knew it had been around 60 days since the filing. (We didn’t have to go to court at all.) So I’m officially a single, independent woman. It feels strange, but it’s a big relief to be through the most volatile part of the process. I’m not at the “end” of all this yet, and I don’t know when I will be or what will signify that end, but I think the worst is over now.
I want to share a few things that I’ve learned through the divorce process, in hopes that it might help someone. Not that I’ve mastered these things – I have to remind myself of them every day. Please note that my divorce was very “easy” and nonthreatening from a legal standpoint, and that I have no children, so this advice may not apply to more serious or legally complicated situations.
• It takes two people to save a marriage. It really frustrates me to see literature claiming that you can save your marriage “even if you’re the only one who wants to.” These (often Christian) articles suggest all kinds of tactics and even prayer rituals to turn your wayward spouse a certain way and get God to work in his/her heart. They’re well-intentioned and might be helpful and hopeful in certain situations. However, I tried to save my marriage by myself for a long time, and statements like that only piled more guilt, responsibility, and disappointment onto a load that was already smothering me. You, alone, cannot restore your marriage by sheer force of will. You can’t control your spouse. In the long run, both parties have to want it and commit to it – outwardly and inwardly. If you did the best you could and the marriage still failed, it is not your fault. God is not disappointed in you.
• Take one step at a time. When my ex left me, some people thought I should act immediately, but I was paralyzed with shock. I couldn’t wrap my head around getting an actual divorce. Time passed, and with prayer and serious reflection and good advice, I felt okay enough to start seriously looking for a lawyer. Then I started all over again with calling a lawyer. This applies to a lot of non-legal decisions too. Slow progress is worth it because you can face each thing with relative confidence and minimal regrets. So if you’re unsure, wait. Give yourself some time and space. Advice from loved ones is great, but in the end, they’re not the ones who will be affected by your decisions.
• Similarly, if thinking about the long term overwhelms you, don’t. If you’re a natural worrier, planner and achiever like me, this is crucial to remember when the rug’s been pulled out from under you. If your basic needs are settled for the near future, there’s no need to decide right now what to do with the rest of your life. Or torment yourself by imagining a lifetime of lonely Christmases. It’s unproductive and will only rob you of the little joys that are available to you each day. You don’t have to have everything figured out. When the suddenly wide-open future seems about to swallow you, call a friend. Take a walk. Go to a movie. Eat some ice cream. Pray. When the time is right to do something, you’ll know. You also never know when something great will come out of nowhere. You’ve experienced unexpected bad things, but unexpected good things can happen too.
• Don’t stuff down your sadness and grief when it comes. Most of us instinctively slap some sort of Band-Aid on these painful emotions, but it’s crucial to the healing process to just sit in them sometimes. Grief is appropriate in a divorce, and it WILL surface at some point. It will not be ignored. Low moments are really difficult (to say the least), but personally, I’d rather suffer now than have to “re-break the bone” later.
• Read books. Listen to music. If a song makes you happy or helps you release your emotions, listen to it 20 times a day if you want to. Make a playlist! Burn a CD! If a book ministers to you, write down your favorite lines and re-read them when you need a lift. I also recommend the book of Isaiah. So many great passages about God’s protection and redemption, about rising above crisis, even specific references to abandoned wives (Isaiah 54:1-8).
Those are my best tips. Needless to say, I’ve been having a lot of breakthroughs.
6 Comments + Posted in: divorce
Can anyone recommend a really good, moisturizing long-wearing lipstick?
I know I look better with some lip color, but even if I remember to apply some in the morning, I forget to re-apply later in the day. Plus, I’m more of a gloss/balm girl, and those are less enduring than regular lipstick. I thought I had found the answer with the new Revlon Just Bitten lipstain – the adult fulfillment of my childhood habit of using Popsicles as lipstick. But it’s uncomfortably drying. So, other than using the stain and applying a pound of Carmex over it, any suggestions?
In my more private journal, I’m doing a 30-day meme. Today’s topic was Your Beliefs, and I decided I wanted to share my list here. It’s a good exercise and hits the high points.
I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins, and because of Him, I will never have to be separated from God.
I believe in hope, both in this life and for the life to come. It’s my favorite virtue. I believe that no matter how bad the circumstances are, they can always improve because God is a God of action and miracles.
I believe that no experience or relationship is wasted. No matter how it turns out, there’s always a purpose or lesson to be learned. Sometimes the purpose or lesson isn’t even for you (which can be either encouraging or discouraging, depending on how you look at it).
I believe that God is sovereign and His will can’t be messed up…and if you’re seeking Him in your decisions, you can’t derail your life. Please don’t challenge me to a battle of wits about this. I only know I couldn’t experience any peace if I didn’t believe it.
I am a registered Republican, but I’m not hard-core about it. I believe every political party is spinning the truth to some degree. I wish there was a way to know the real, true facts about a lot of political things.
I believe that the truth will always come out in the end. Possibly not in time to save you, but someday. My dad has taught me that all my life, and I’ve seen a lot of proof. There have been times when this belief was the only thing keeping me from taking matters into my own hands (which would have yielded disastrous results).
I believe that family is extremely important, at all stages of life. As I’ve gotten older I’ve wished for more than the two kids I thought I would have, so they’d have more siblings to grow old with.
I believe that God gives women a special strength and capability that is different from men’s but no less important, and that if we recognized and developed it, we would be practically unstoppable. (See also the fantastic article, Return of the Ezer.)
I believe in everything in moderation – another lesson from my dad. I don’t support any diet that requires you to avoid an entire food group. It just seems like a bad idea. I also believe that life without dessert isn’t worth living.
I believe our society is way too dependent on technology and would collapse if technology were lost. I’m also not convinced that Skynet couldn’t really happen. :\
I believe in the power of physical touch. Not in a gross way. I think hugs, pats on the back, cuddles with your pets, etc. are good for your overall health. I’m not charismatic anymore, but I also still believe there’s something special about the laying on of hands in prayer.
I believe that e-readers, however convenient, will never be as good as real, physical books.
I believe that children are often more in tune with the spiritual world than adults. They haven’t had time to build up doubts or cynicism about things. There’s a reason why Jesus tells us to come to Him as the little children do.
I believe that God made me, personally, to love and be loved, to share and to help. I believe that He will redeem my disappointments and all that I’ve lost, and bring out of them better things than I could have imagined. I could be proven wrong about this, and if I am, it won’t make Him any less good. Maybe it’s just what I have to believe to move on. But I feel it passionately.
1 Comment + Posted in: faith, reflections
I meant to post this on Friday, but was derailed by an allergy attack.
What I Saw and How I Lied by Judy Blundell
An intense coming-of-age novel about a family full of secrets, set in NYC and Florida right after WWII. It made me uncomfortable because I could see where things were headed, but I couldn’t put it down. In some ways it reminded me of one of my all-time favorite books, Autumn Street by Lois Lowry, although that one is non-romantic and about a child.
A Little Bit Wicked: Life, Love, and Faith in Stages by Kristin Chenoweth
I still haven’t seen Wicked (hopefully this month!), but I love Kristin Chenoweth. I laughed out loud many times reading this memoir. It’s interesting, unapologetic, and hilarious!
You Wish by Mandy Hubbard
A funny, enjoyable novel about an outcast who wishes, on her sixteenth birthday, that all her birthday wishes would come true…and they do. However, her last birthday wish was for a certain guy to kiss her, and now he’s dating her best friend. Dolls and My Little Ponies come to life and dramatic transformations occur as Kayla tries to prevent the kiss that could cost her her friend. Very original.
Every Soul A Star by Wendy Mass
A cute novel about three very different teenagers who come together to watch a solar eclipse. Another reviewer on Goodreads smartly described it as an inverse of Ray Bradbury’s “All Summer in a Day” (a story that has haunted me since I saw the film version in sixth grade). I learned a lot about eclipses, and really want to see one now!
Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist
I cannot recommend this book enough. It’s a collection of essays about, appropriately, celebrating both the bitter and the sweet in life. It took me a while to finish, because it’s very insightful and brought out a lot of emotions. In the end I typed out three pages of quotes that I had highlighted…you’ll notice that I already posted a long passage here last week.
Salvation City by Sigrid Nunez
I won this novel on Goodreads Firstreads. It’s about a pre-teen boy who is orphaned after a flu pandemic, and taken in by a country pastor in an isolated church-dominated town. I appreciated the portrayal of fundamental-type Christians as real, multifaceted people, not caricatures (I haven’t seen much of that in mainstream fiction). But I was disturbed by many aspects of the story, and the ending left me confused and feeling like I had really missed something. It was well-written, but maybe I’m just not literary enough to get it.
Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld
I’m very impressed by the amount of creativity and research that must have gone into this book. It’s a steampunk alternate history of WWI, from the perspectives of an escaped Austrian prince and a teenage girl posing as a boy in the British air force. The book has something for everyone, and if I had tween kids, I would love to read it to them (do tweens allow themselves to be read to? :\). I think it’s an instant classic…something about it reminded me of Roald Dahl. Can’t wait for the sequel!
Books for September: 7
2010 year to date: 52
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