I’ve always believed that everyone has a built-in failsafe, that people who are truly, legitimately overwhelmed by their lives will involuntarily shut down. They can’t get up, go to work, go out, smile. They’ll stay in bed, ignore their responsibilities, stop answering calls: the classic cliche of a depressed, burned-out person. Most people can understand that picture (and understanding and awareness is good!). But fewer understand someone who’s checking all her “should” boxes and appears strong and capable, yet confesses things like I can’t handle one more thing. I am barely making it through the day. I’m perpetually exhausted. I feel no hope for my future. I need help. I’ve said those things to friends and professionals at various points, and I’ve gotten responses like But you’re very high-functioning. But you seem to be doing great. I don’t know what to tell you. Those words are both encouraging and (unintentionally, I know) shame-inducing. When I hear them, I think, Nothing is really wrong and no one can help me, and I gather myself again and push harder.
I’ve already had two significant periods of burnout in my adult life, stress waves that threw me onto the shore so ruthlessly, there was no way I could miss the message. Both times, I listened and granted myself some rest and space. I thought, hoped, I’d finally “fixed it” – after all, how long or often is someone like me allowed to claim burnout? I’m a single, childless, healthy, financially secure woman. But about six weeks ago, I knew something was Wrong again. My chest felt tight, my stomach hurt, and I started waking up a lot in the night. I’d look at my dayplanner or my inbox and need to do yoga breathing. I’d receive a few aggressive e-mails and want to go have a quick cry in the bathroom. I needed brief naps after work to make it through evening social activities. I’d go to loud events where everyone was having fun and feel increasing physical anxiety. Every simple invitation and request felt like another thing I had to be “on” for. I felt incapable of handling small tasks, even as I did them anyway. I shouldn’t be talking about this exclusively in past tense, because I’m still struggling with it. But I have had a few helpful realizations:
♥ I do not have a failsafe. When God was handing out failsafes, I was in line for the people-pleasing perfectionist hyperdrive, a device that, once healthy fuel has run out, can run on guilt, ambition, and any garbage within reach. Many people have, and will, use that hyperdrive for their own benefit with no respect or care for how it affects me. I forget that easily. Most likely, I will never have the Big Collapse that makes people say whoa, maybe we took too much from her. No, I can keep right on functioning until I drop dead, figuratively and/or literally. Therefore, it’s up to me to actively draw the line, to decide when I’ve had enough. No one is going to do that for me. There is no safety net.
♥ What energizes others often depletes me, and I need to evaluate that regularly. A big burnout signal for me is when many things I usually enjoy start to feel like burdens. It’s a good time to assess whether I even want to do those things anymore. Sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I need to walk away. Sometimes I need balance. For months, instead of the real relationships and meaningful conversations I need, my social life has been mostly noise. I definitely enjoy a lighthearted good time, but living on relational cookies alone makes me sick. Thankfully, I have steak people in my life too.
♥ Anything less than excellence feels like failure. The more I achieve, the more pressure I feel to keep it going. By my own yardstick, I veni, vidi, vici-ed the crap out of 2016. A normal person would probably feel entitled to chill out. Meanwhile, I’m panicking because I don’t have enough left in the tank to match and preferably exceed that right now, and I feel like that pace is what the world requires of me. But sometimes wholeheartedness means being a B student.
♥ Valuing myself and my health means accepting disapproval, perceived failure, and even grief. This is the hardest part. I take every opportunity I can to improve myself and work toward my goals, but ultimately, my most important goals involve other people. I cannot get what I want in a vacuum. I can’t make the right people come into my life, or make them see me. Too often I’ve knocked myself out trying to be perfect for people who are going to reject me no matter what I do. I know logically that I can’t make them see my value, but a little part of me is still hell-bent on running up to kick the football. It’s an illusion of control that’s comforting at first but actually makes the situation worse. It’s that false American belief that you can have anything you want if you work hard enough, so if you don’t have it, it’s your fault. To stop burnout, I have to get off the hamster wheel and face the fears that rise up every time I “slack off”:
You’ll never get promoted.
You’ll never have a career that brings you joy.
You’re already too old, and if you don’t hustle twice as hard you’ll never make an impact.
You’ll never meet anyone, and your friends will forget you, if you don’t go out constantly.
You’ll never be impressive, exciting, or sparkly enough for a good man to love and choose you.
Courage means looking those fears in the eye and saying, Okay. It means deciding that being wholehearted and fully alive is more important than any of my dreams, that my peace and joy are too high a price to pay. I’ve visited that place. I’d like to take up a more permanent residence there.
I’m starting to accept that burnout is not something I can fix once and be done with it. It’s the cyclical dark side of my personality, fed by the culture I live in, and it’s an ongoing battle. All I can do is try to get a little wiser and have a little more grace with myself each time.
10 Comments + Posted in: life lately
Main Events:
My mom and brother both have February birthdays, so we usually celebrate both as a family on President’s Day weekend. This year was a milestone birthday for my mom! We had a birthday lunch for her at a farm-to-table restaurant followed by an IMAX and dessert at Muddy’s. (It was great having my new SIL there for her first official family event. I still feel happy every time I say “my-sister-in-law.”) We gave my mom a new record player and spent that whole evening having a dance party (nieces included) to her old records from the 70s. Great times.
The weather was beautiful that Sunday and we all enjoyed Overton Square: Belly Acres, the candy store, and some cornhole!
February was a difficult month for my church. Without getting into details, our founding pastor is no longer with us, and we’ll be working through that individually and collectively for a while. But I’m extremely proud of how the leadership is handling it, and hopeful we’ll come out of this stronger and more unified than before.
Real talk: this month wasn’t the greatest for me personally either. I’m clearly going through another cycle of burnout. I keep thinking I’ve resolved it, but it keeps coming back. I feel overwhelmed, even smothered by my schedule and responsibilities (sometimes to the point of physical anxiety), and also at a loss to do anything about it. Life is just hard. Also, I haven’t had a real vacation from work in about a year and a half.
Reading:
The Swan Riders is the sequel to my best book of 2015,The Scorpion Rules, and it surpassed my expectations. Anyone have an Erin Bow book club I can join for discussions? I also loved Shonda Rhimes’ Year of Yes, which, among other things, reassured me I’m still a writer in my heart… all her thoughts about the creative process resonated deeply. Despite its great premise, Steelheart took me a while to get into, but I think I’m sufficiently hooked to read the rest of the series.
Listening:
My mom and I saw Garth Brooks during his four-concert stand here in Memphis. I might not have gone if she hadn’t been so keen, but I have to say, it was a show for the record books. He played all the hits with boundless energy for over three hours. We were getting concerned for his health since he had another show right after ours!! Some of those songs are a lot more meaningful now that I’m older. It was surprisingly emotional.
On the podcast front, after following John and Sherry elsewhere for years, I’m loving the Young House Love podcast. Not only is the home content interesting, but you can also tell they really love each other and are true partners, and it does my heart good to be reminded that that exists. I’ve also gotten hooked on Missing Richard Simmons. Forget Season 2 of Serial and go straight to Richard!
Around Town:
Brandi, Lexie, and I narrowly got second place at Clueless trivia (the tiebreaker question was the date of the depositions Cher had to highlight for her dad).
I went to The Break-Up Show at the New Daisy, which will be my Valentine’s weekend tradition henceforth. It was an ensemble-cast dramatic reading of terrible dating app messages and breakup texts – I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Whenever I get back on a dating app, I’ll be saving the awful messages I get for submission to the show, instead of trying to forget they happened.
I got lower-level tickets to both a Tigers and a Grizz game, courtesy of a friend from trivia. Thanks Pete!!
Kelsey and I excitedly attended cat yoga last weekend! It was designed as an adoption event, and was so successful on that front, there weren’t many cats left to roam around during yoga. I think they’re going to try kitten yoga next, at the shelter’s facility, which should make the cats more comfortable to interact!
Overton Park has another new gate on the forest path. I was glad to see it on a run last week (one of few this month – my running mojo is currently very low).
This Month at Wiseacre: I went to a beer-and-chocolate pairing (YUM), and made a special trip over on the night Lucky Cat Ramen was there (also yum).
Random Happiness:
On my way to a hair appointment after work one day, I witnessed a VERY bright and impressive rainbow. It was a double rainbow and the stronger arc was almost doubled on itself. Normally I wouldn’t have been in a place where I’d see it so clearly, so I felt extra thankful!
Your Monthly Rufus:
This one has a story: on weekend mornings, I actually have time to ease into the day, so Rufus and I curl up on the loveseat by the window while the coffee is brewing. He loves this ritual and starts meowing at me if I don’t sit down at the expected time. :) I love his personality.
Quote/Meme of the Month:
Good Reads:
♥ Candice Benbow: Notes from Esther on Valentine’s Day 2017
♥ Mark Manson: The Disease of More
♥ Chump Lady (my blog discovery of the month): Nice vs. Kind
♥ Simon Worrall for National Geographic: We Are Wired To Be Outside
♥ I usually skim Design Mom’s Living With Kids posts, but this one was worth a full read. Living With Kids: Paige Posladek
♥ Ijeoma Oluo: When A Woman Deletes a Man’s Comment Online
♥ Ask Polly: I Got Sick, Dumped, and Fired. What Now?
5 Comments + Posted in: what i'm into
As usual, I didn’t have time for What I’m Into in December, so this’ll be a slightly supersized post!
Main Events:
My brother got married on New Year’s Day! He and his now-wife have been off and on since college, and I couldn’t be happier to have her officially in the family and get to say “my sister-in-law.” The whole event was at a rustic lodge in Kansas – a rehearsal dinner and New Year’s Eve party, and the ceremony the next day. We celebrated New York midnight and everyone got good rest for the wedding. It was the best NYE I’ve had in years!
It snowed the first Friday of the month. That may be our only snow this season, but if so, it was still more than last year, when we barely got one dusting.
I marched in the Memphis Women’s March on January 21 with several family members. It was a positive, empowering experience that I’ll always remember, and I would absolutely do it again. It also resulted in more opportunities to overcome my people-pleasing nature, and not waste energy on the world’s disapproval or wrong assumptions about me or my actions. Now more than ever, this is the hard internal work of my adult life.
Reading:
Anna Kendrick’s memoir is the best and funniest I’ve read since Mindy Kaling’s. Just don’t listen to the audiobook around your kids! I got Shauna Niequist’s latest book for Christmas and read the whole thing on the plane to KC. One of her underlying points, which I’ve been thinking about a lot, was about finally becoming the adult her child-self thought she would be. I’m in a similar place. It’s a good thing.
Watching:
After an all-time moviegoing low for most of 2016, I’ve been seeing and loving a lot of movies! Hidden Figures is so great I saw it twice.
Around Town:
Memphis got an IKEA right after Thanksgiving! I’d never been to one before, and waited until after the holidays to make my first pilgrimage. An hour or so into our wandering, my dad declared it “a casino for furniture.” Accurate. I left with new curtains, pillowcases, and bookcases for my guest room.
Ghost River has been advertising a food-truck brunch at their new taproom, so my friends and I checked it out after church one weekend. It lived up to the hype. We ate delicious chicken and waffles and got up to 32 levels of Jenga (at which point everyone in the room was watching).
I saw The Bodyguard at the Orpheum with my mom and Kelsey. They’ve changed the story to incorporate most of Whitney’s catalog, and Deborah Cox killed it.
The Brooks Museum had another outdoor art installation, Intrude, consisting of giant illuminated rabbits. I was very excited about it and went twice! The people-watching there was also amazing.
At Home:
With my parents’ help, I finished my guest room remodel and will henceforth refer to it as “the study.” I love it and am basically living in it full-time. Rufus is enjoying it too and seems to sense how well the decor complements his fur. My bedroom seems bland and boring now, so I’m going to do an accent wall in this color.
Cooking/Eating:
This 5-Ingredient White Chicken Chili is very adaptable to time constraints or even the five ingredients. I didn’t have salsa verde, so I used green enchilada sauce instead and it was still good.
Making:
After wanting one for a long time, I made this race bib and medal holder. It’s in the style of one I saw on Amazon but was half the cost to put together myself. It makes me happy to look at it!
Wearing:
I wanted to feel beautiful at my brother’s wedding, and succeeded! The New Year’s Eve sequined dress is a Michael Kors I bought on Poshmark; my wedding outfit was a formal high-low skirt and fitted tank from a local boutique, The Attic. A friend who was moving to Florida gave me the mink stole about a year ago, and it was great for warmth as well as added fabulosity.
I like to get a piece of jewelry for my One Word. A few weeks ago I learned the ammonite (the fossil of the nautilus shell) is an ancient symbol of abundance, so I ordered an ammonite necklace! I’ve had a nautilus shell tattoo for several years, so this connection is a big deal to me.
Beauty:
I’ve talked about Garnier Naturals Coconut Cocoa Butter conditioner before, but the matching leave-in conditioner is also a win. I picked some up when I didn’t have time to go to Sally for more of what I was using, and I think it’ll be my go-to for the foreseeable future.
I have a lot of small scars – from acne, cuts and scrapes, having moles removed, and many years of cat ownership. I’ve been spot-treating with Mederma PM scar cream before bed for a couple of months, and it’s helping, especially on my face. Hoping for a more even skin tone this summer!
Your Monthly Rufus:
Pinterest Quote of the Month:
On The Blog:
I talked about my One Word for 2017, Abundance.
Good Reads:
♥ Kelle Hampton: Happy New Year: There Is More
♥ Tina Muir: Why It’s Okay to Admit You Are Struggling. (I love her!)
♥ Bailey Steger: When Belief Becomes a Work
♥ Bradbury-esque flash fiction by Ruby Bastille that haunted me for DAYS: Half an Hour
♥ Jody Casella: Bonding in the Porta Potty Line: Dispatches from the Women’s March in Washington D.C.
♥ Coffee Snob: March: Why I Did and My Response to Those Who Seem to Think I Should Not Have
♥ Michael Kramer at Grok Nation: Back to the Present: Trump, Nixon, and Taking Protest to the Streets. (I’m hanging on every word of our elders lately, and appreciated this perspective.)
7 Comments + Posted in: what i'm into
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. – II Corinthians 9:8
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. – John 10:10
There is always more on its way – more opportunities, more ideas, more love. – Glennon Melton
Scarcity tells us the table is full, that we have to fight for a spot or fight to keep ours, that the spots will run out, or that we better pick a different table. But Abundance, abundance has endless wings to add to the table. Abundance has an endless supply of chairs. Abundance says yes! you can come! Bring your friends! There is plenty. – Abby Norman
2017 will be my fifth year of One Word. Choosing a word is sort of a mystical experience. Around October, I start listening for words that are resonating with me and/or coming up frequently. I decide what I need and what I want to work on in the coming year. I pay attention to how each possibility makes me feel.
Early last year, I was depressed. I believe many long-term life experiences have a snowball effect, a cumulative impact that’s hard to understand from the outside. Over recent years, I’d taken so many blows big and small that all my fight was gone. The future looked bleak. I couldn’t trust God at all. I felt so hopeless and exhausted that even professionals (both faith and medical) had no practical advice for me. Then help started to arrive: a good, supportive relationship, for a while. A small group full of quirky, honest people and holistic approaches to spiritual things. People I value consistently expressing confidence in me, no matter how little others thought of me. An inner spark that enabled me to do more and more on my own behalf. I’d felt neglected and even abandoned by God, like I was an inconsequential cog in His sovereign machine, and I thought I had to accept that fate with a smile on my face. I couldn’t do that, which created additional angst. I’m privileged in many ways, but in the deepest sense, scarcity had been my reality for a long time, and it seemed increasingly unlikely that that would ever change. But as my general circumstances improved, I let myself believe these were not isolated bones being thrown to keep me hovering just above despair. I let myself believe that the tide was rising, and started stepping out accordingly.
At the start of 2017, I feel stronger than I have in years, maybe in all of my 30s so far. Some important needs are still unfulfilled and I’m dealing with a lot of the same crap, but my inner fire is back, and I think I might be coming into my best self. My pastor says people tend to face the difficulties of life in one of three ways: Denial, Determination, or Despair. It’s Determination time, but no matter what I do to change my life, I already know there are things I can’t make happen. I need help. I need God to SHOW UP. A year ago, I couldn’t even ask Him to show up in any specific way because one more no would have broken me. It was less painful just to try to deal by myself. Now I’m in a better place. Now I have evidence that I might not be a cosmically designated short straw, and that sometimes the courage to ask makes all the difference. So I accepted my boldest One Word yet, a word easily perceived as selfish and Joel Osteen-y, a word that seems incongruous with the alarming state of our world, a word that feels like a culmination of all my words so far:
Abundance.
Here’s what Abundance means to me:
♥ Abundant options. I’ve experienced a legitimate scarcity of career and relationship options. I’d like reassurance that there’s plenty to go around, so I’m not tempted to act out of fear. I’ve successfully kept my dignity and said no to things that weren’t right or fruitful for me, but I don’t know if I can continue if every rare opportunity looks like my last, best, only chance. I’d like to consider a buffet of good things instead of one appetizer, to feel like a well-fed daughter instead of a starving beggar unsure if she’ll ever have another meal. I’d like to be happily surprised. Paradoxically, I’d take one Right, True Thing over lots of options in a second, but either way, abundance is needed.
♥ Abundant love. I’m lucky to have abundant friends and family to love, and I want to love them better. I want to show love to myself by maintaining good boundaries and self-care. I want to be in love with a man who is in love with me. On a wider scale, I am determined to choose love over hate, continue learning what that looks like, and do whatever I can to encourage that behavior in others.
♥ Abundant life. The state of my Christian faith can’t be summed up in even one post, but it’s often sucked the life out of me more than it’s given me life. I’ve thought about this a lot lately, and I believe that since Jesus came to bring me abundant life, I need new perspective. I don’t know what that will take, besides the courage to let go of some things and draw further disapproval from fundamentalist types… but I’m already on that path, so bring it. Also (hang with me), I’ve been getting more connected to the Holy Spirit, and I’d like to continue exploring that.
On a real-world level, abundant life involves finding and fulfilling my purpose, which takes us back to the options thing. I think it also involves abundant words. My words dried up last year, but when I am able to write, it feels really good. I want to reclaim the right to express myself purely because it brings me joy, even if it’s not especially meaningful, even if it’s a non-defensible sharing of my heart (like this) in a time when some people won’t let anyone speak without “proof.”
I’m asking God for abundance not because I deserve anything, not because I’m good, but because He is, and I want to know that in a new way. Officially I don’t believe in name-it-and-claim-it, but… I’m kind of claiming it. Whatever you believe about God’s role in suffering (and all I have to offer is a big question mark), I’ve suffered, and I’ve milked it for all the growth I could. Now, I need Him to SHOW me that He is good, loves me, and wants good things for me. Right or wrong, that’s just where I’m at. It’s not as selfish as it sounds; an overflowing cup waters everything around it. If I operate from a place of abundance and security, I have more to give.
Common themes start to emerge after you’ve been practicing One Word for a while (something I’d love to discuss with other long-termers). I don’t think that’s bad or wrong. In December, in a moment when I wasn’t thinking about my word at all, I got a sudden clear image of my progression in the form of an airplane. Enough, in 2015, was the plane pulling away from the gate. Light, in 2016, was excess baggage being removed and the runway lights coming on to point the way. But Abundance is about taking off. Buckle up, because in 2017, I’m going to fly.
6 Comments + Posted in: one word 365
This used to be a linkup with Emily Freeman. I’m not sure if it’s happening this year, but I have learnings to share, so gather round!
[ICYMI: The 2016 Survey // The 2016 Soundtrack]
♥ Run on different sides of the street. Not a metaphor. While training for a 15K at the beginning of the year, I developed some IT band problems. Up to that point, I had always run on the same side of the street. I’d never thought about the fact that I did this OR that it might matter. When I started switching it up, the problems went away and haven’t come back!
♥ Do not automatically accept blame. I cannot count the number of times this year I was accused of not doing something or other. But it almost always turned out I did do the thing – the other person forgot, didn’t check, or wasn’t paying attention. So, over time, I’m conquering my knee-jerk panic and self-abasement, and checking my facts and reality before proceeding. This skill is improving my quality of life and becoming more useful all the time.
♥ St. John’s Wort can work. For those who don’t know, this herb is widely considered to be nature’s antidepressant. I started taking it in the spring, I think, with no real expectation that it would do anything (making me a good test case). I’d been mildly depressed for a long time, but I can now say semi-confidently that I’m in a better place, and I attribute some of that to St. John’s Wort. My emotional baseline is much higher and my lows are less low, which is how many friends have described the effects of “real” antidepressants. So if you’re interested, it’s definitely worth a shot! Just know that it can take several weeks to kick in, and the effect is subtle. I didn’t really stop and take note until recently.
♥ Don’t buy shoes on Poshmark. Unless they’re new in the box and you already own a pair of the same size and brand. Even then, it’s a gamble.
♥ Treating others well is not only right, but also an investment in your future. I’ve seen people’s behavior come back around to them in sometimes-shocking ways this year.
♥ We all need to drive more carefully. Becoming a frequent pedestrian has changed my perspective. I ran hundreds of miles on the streets of Midtown in 2016, and almost got hit by a car many, many times. I’ve never been nervous behind the wheel before, but the defensive anxiety from city running has started to seep over into my driving. I’m still figuring out how to handle this better.
♥ There are many valid ways to pray, and we may need different ways at different times. After years of angst over my prayer life failing to adhere to a prescribed formula, I learned this year that prayer really can be as natural as breathing. Rather than working hard at maintaining a Right Relationship with God (e.g. “If you feel far from God, guess who moved?!?”), prayer can be about opening ourselves up to what God is already doing all around us. It can be more about listening than talking, more about peace than discipline. Processing this concept has been revolutionary and restorative for me.
♥ Pho is life. I could happily eat pho and El Porton’s chicken tortilla soup alternately for most of the year.
♥ The more you challenge yourself and do hard and scary things, the easier it is to do so and the more you can achieve.
♥ I was not made to be single. I’ve always believed this, but my six-month relationship removed any growing inkling of doubt. I know who I am both as an individual and in a relationship, and being in a healthy relationship makes me feel like the fullest expression of myself. I feel more peaceful, grounded, and alive. I didn’t fully appreciate what an energy suck singleness is for me until I didn’t have it for a while. Facing life alone while hustling in an endless beauty pageant will never be a natural fit for me. What I’m good at is being part of a team and loving someone with everything I have. I soaked up every minute, but it still wasn’t enough time. It just wasn’t enough time.
What did you learn this year?
4 Comments + Posted in: reflections, year end