I’m turning 35 next month, which seems like a good age to declare that Normal is never going to happen for me. Regardless of my future, my chances at a traditional life are officially in the rearview mirror. If I marry again, it won’t be like marrying a longtime friend in my early 20s – we’ll already have decades of separate personal histories. If I find a career I love, it’ll be like Chandler Bing switching to marketing in Season 10 of Friends, not the informed plan of someone who knew what she wanted to do at 22. If I become a mother, via adoption or biology, I’ll be an Old Mom with an established general cluelessness about child-rearing. If none of those things ever happen, that’ll be a whole other challenge.
It’s time to stop looking at and judging myself by a framework that’s no use to me. Time to shake off the shame, burn the map, and take the machete.
I think I was always destined for a Plan B life, because it’s authentic by nature, and so am I. Much as I sometimes wish otherwise, fakery is not in my bag of tricks. I can’t convincingly pretend to be other or better than what I am. I’m hopeless at playing it cool. I can’t maintain an illusion of having it all together. I tried for years, back on the Plan A track, and it wore me down to nothing. But in Plan B, there’s no hiding the fact that I’m perpetually flying by the seat of my pants. Everyone is, in fact, but I’m too far gone to cover it up. I’m permanently out of the game.
However, I tend to exchange it for a new game – acting like Plan B is one big exciting adventure. Sure, it can be, but more often it’s a heavy load of uncertainty, false hopes, and dead ends. It means hacking through the jungle with no confirmation that you’re headed anywhere good. I’ve felt so weary of it lately, too weary to be the Eowyn I want to be. I need to give myself grace and freedom in the weariness too.
I need to surround myself with other machete-wielders. Blazing a trail by yourself is too large and lonely a task. I need regular reassurance that I’m not some pitiable anomaly, but am valuable right where I am. I want to be inspired by lots of different examples of a purposeful, fulfilling life. I don’t think you can ever have enough. None of us are meant to do this alone, and I’ve been trying for too long.
4 Comments + Posted in: reflections, singleness
I’m winding up a visit with my sister and niece! They got here last Friday. Here are some highlights:
A small-plane pilot friend of my dad’s took us to DeWitt Spain Airport because Niecy loves planes. She took to the controls immediately. My dad, who’s worked in aviation for most of his adult life, was thrilled.
My brother was also here over the weekend! All three of us are only together a couple of times a year. We missed my BIL Lance, who’s at church camp this week.
Niecy has been having a blast with Nanny and Poppy.
Debra and I enjoyed a long lunch with Caroline, one of my best friends. They’re both due in October, just two weeks apart!
We hit the pool at my parents’ friends’ house. I must say, it was a big upgrade from my backyard kiddie pool.
Niecy paid her first visit to the ice cream (wo)man! She chose a rainbow push pop.
Yesterday we went to the zoo to take advantage of the gorgeous weather and free admission day.
I probably won’t see Debra again until Niece #2 is born. It’s tough being so far apart, but I’m thankful for these times with my hermana!
2 Comments + Posted in: aunthood, family
I can’t believe this summer is more than halfway over, and there are still so many things I want to do. Even as I try to convince myself all fun, spontaneity, and possibility will not end with the summer, I want to be sure I’m making the most of it. So here’s my Summer Second-Half Bucket List:
- See at least one movie at the Orpheum (The Princess Bride and the Grease sing-along are both coming up!)
- Make a Jerry’s run
- Watch the Perseid meteor shower. I always intend to do this and never do.
- See Begin Again (I’ve heard great things) and Boyhood
- One more Peabody rooftop party
- At least one more Levitt Shell show
- Ride my bike more often (I haven’t hit the Greenline in months)
- Plan and execute an awesome triple birthday party for myself and two friends (details still pending)
- Run the Elvis 5K on my birthday
- Go to the Weezer show at Snowden Grove. They’ve been one of my favorite bands since college and I’ve never seen them live.
- OCEAN TIME.
I would prefer to enjoy these things in good, fun company, but this is my commitment to myself to go alone if I have to. Do you have any incomplete summer bucket list items?
Today over at A Peek at Karen’s World, I’m sharing one of my family’s favorite funny stories. It all happened in August 2008, when we got caught in a storm while boating and had to take refuge on the mysterious island of Boca Chita…
Read more here!
Add a Comment + Posted in: florida, memory lane
Recently, someone asked a group I was in about our callings. Calling, Vocation, however you want to define it, has always weighed heavily on me. I’m still figuring out what I believe about it. Like most people, I would prefer a clear-cut purpose and destiny – to walk a definite path from an early age and consistently advance, because that’s more satisfying and impressive to others. This meandering life can be a liability. I have never known definitively what I “wanted to do” in terms of a career. I’ve always wanted to do too many different things. So I develop my skills here and there as I can, jack of many trades, master of none.
But one of my evolving beliefs is that calling and career don’t necessarily overlap. For many of us, calling is bigger and more nebulous than a title. It’s more tied up in who you are than what you do, and the better you know yourself and how God made you, the clearer your calling becomes. When I thought about my personal callings, I didn’t think daughter, sister, friend or even writer (although I’ve come a long way in claiming that). What came to mind was:
– To love and affirm the people God brings into my life, right where they are
– To write and speak truth so that people will feel encouraged and not alone
– To live as a strong woman of God outside the traditional married-and-mom-by-25 box, help blaze a trail for younger women, and give them hope
– To bring beauty and joy to the world however I get the opportunity
– To do all these things to the best of my ability, not get bogged down in perfectionism, and not give up when I fail (because I will, often).
This list isn’t really one you can drop during a casual discussion group, or put on a business card. It’s not quantifiable. It’s not snappy. Sometimes I struggle hard with that. I feel inferior to people whose roles and gifts are more obvious. I worry that no one will ever look past the surface and see me. But being seen isn’t my job and shouldn’t be my goal.
I’ve come to believe that if I focus on the things I know I’m called to, everything else should fall into place. Maybe I’m shooting myself in the foot by not having a five- and ten-year plan, but I know how quickly those plans can dissolve before your eyes. Right now I’m just living open. Giving God room to surprise me. Working at being faithful to what I know. Right now, that’s enough for me.
5 Comments + Posted in: empowerment, reflections