One of my favorite things about singleness is being available to people. Not to say I’m fancy-free with no responsibilities (I hate that assumption), but since I’m not focused on one main relationship, I can spend my relational energy pretty freely. I can rearrange my schedule if needed without consulting anyone. It’s gratifying when I can drop everything to be there for a friend or family member – or just to hang out in a spontaneous, low-key way when no one is having a crisis. In those moments, I’m so thankful for my independence.

But freedom has a dark side. Those spontaneous moments are much rarer than sitcoms and movies would have you believe. I find I need a huge stable of casual local friends to increase my odds of finding one person to see a movie with, and that’s a double-edged sword too. It means I have to spread myself thin, when I’d rather invest more fully in fewer, richer relationships. Meanwhile, it’s becoming the norm to go weeks or even months at a time without seeing some of my closest friends. Not because they don’t like me anymore, but because we’re all too busy, and their significant others and/or children rightfully have first dibs on their relational time. Coupled people undeniably need friends and community, but in a less immediate way than singles do. Especially singles who live alone, with no built-in (human) companion, no go-to person. I remind myself constantly that this is the natural order of things. It’s normal for dating or married people not to prioritize face time with friends. It’s normal for mothers to be consumed with their kids and socialize primarily with other moms. It’s practically the foundation of our society. But meanwhile, how do I remain positive with the message, You are the odd one, you are outside the natural order, so your needs don’t matter ringing in my ears?

Even when I can find people to hang out with, I feel like most of my relationships are on an Eight or Higher policy. I can’t regularly go to anyone with my twos and threes without fear of annoying or alienating them – I mean, who wants to be That Friend whose name on the phone display induces sighing? – and they don’t need me for theirs. Am I supposed to give up on my long-term friendships and find new friends who are in the exact same phase of life… then rinse and repeat once they start families of their own and move on? I don’t believe in that. But what am I supposed to do with my relational needs? How can I believe that singleness is an equally valid state of being if we’re just out of luck in this important area? It’s so tempting to shut my heart down and become an island. To say, Whatever, I don’t need anyone.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this, and I know it’s not necessarily a singles-only problem. I hear similar stories from long-distance friends, many of whom are married. Making and maintaining real friendships as an adult is often just plain hard.

11 Comments + Posted in: relationships, singleness

I met Jamie, blogger at Ava Anomaly, in my Story 101 class this summer. We were paired up for a peer critique and hit it off right away! When she announced a guest posting opportunity to write from the perspective of Biblical people, I knew I wanted to participate, and I knew who my subject would be: Hannah, the mother of Samuel. Hannah has been one of my favorite Biblical people since I was a teenager. I’m pretty sure I had her song, from I Samuel 2, up on the wall of my college dorm room. I never imagined back then how much we would have in common. Writing about her was cathartic (and also made me want to write about her rival wife, Peninnah, who surely had hurts and struggles of her own).

All that to say, please head over to Jamie’s to read my Empathy piece about Hannah, “The God Who Hears.” Thanks!

Add a Comment + Posted in: faith, guest post

As I’ve mentioned before, my two best friends/roommates from college are Catholic. Back then, I went to Mass and worship services with them fairly often. So I was well aware of the Great Jubilee in 2000 (which was our junior/senior year of college). I loved the concept and was happy to celebrate despite not being Catholic!

That summer, Kathy and her family went to Rome for World Youth Day. She bought me this Jubilee medal on that trip. I love the colors and the way the light shines through the Venetian glass. It reminds me of a special time in my life and in history, and is a sort of talisman of peace, given to me by a friend who thought of me when she was thousands of miles from home.

Other Jewelry Stories: here and here.

Add a Comment + Posted in: jewelry, memory lane

Yesterday afternoon I had a community band concert in Harbor Town on Mud Island – we dedicated a new park specifically for live music! Since I don’t go there very often, I couldn’t resist paying a visit to the river after the concert.

It was a beautiful afternoon, and the people-watching was great. I saw potential stories everywhere. If I feel stuck on a fiction project in the future, I’ll come down to this park for an hour or so!

I LOVE the houses in Harbor Town. These row houses always remind me of San Francisco – maybe that was the intention.

I fell in love with this house across the street from the park where we played. The top floor has windows all the way around. I wonder if it’s an apartment, but it’s a good thing I have no way of finding out, because I’d be tempted to move in immediately. Who needs space when you have all that light, and a balcony, up on top of the world? And not a bad view either.

Add a Comment + Posted in: memphis

I took this picture of my To Be Read pile last week. This stack has accumulated on the floor by my nightstand for over a year, and obviously doesn’t include the epic number of unread e-books on my Kindle. A few of these were books I had to have immediately and forgot about just as quickly. When I bought four shiny new releases, I had to reorganize the pile. Hello, wake-up call.

Then I saw Paige‘s post about No Spend November. To participate, you commit to stop spending money in a certain area for the entire month. I’m a moderator, not an abstainer, and I don’t respond well to no-whatever months. But I couldn’t ignore the timing of this challenge (and could definitely stand to save a few bucks). So I’ve decided to stop buying books, physical or e-, during November. In fact, I also plan to stop requesting Netgalleys and even going to the library, because I really need to make headway with the books I already have. I’m so easily distracted by whatever’s new and interesting.

This isn’t a self-inflicted punishment, but a way to help me focus and clear some space. I admit I’ll probably make an exception for great Black Friday deals… but Black Friday is the second-to-last day of the month, so I think it’s okay!

Link up with A Dose of Paige if you want to participate too! Everyone will be checking in mid-month.

6 Comments + Posted in: reading