A few of my best friends were in Memphis last weekend! We met on LiveJournal back in the day and have been gathering annually since 2009. This was our second meeting in Memphis – we’ve also gone to Knoxville twice and Jacksonville once. A few people have been friends since they were teenagers, but everyone has known each other for at least five years. We’ve already seen each other through marriage, divorce, new careers, new relationships, and new motherhood. Who knows what crazy stories we’ll have to tell in another five years?

One constant of our weekends together is thrift shopping (the best clothes always surrender themselves at Bethany‘s presence). We’re all different, but we all find good stuff every time. During our first Knoxville trip, someone said we were like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Since that name was already taken, and we’d endured some harassment/concern about having internet friends, we decided to call ourselves the Scary Internet People. Which was quicky abbreviated to SIP, and morphed into SIPsters. So the sister part survived.

Our weekends tend to be very low-key. I had ideas for Memphisy activities, but we always end up sitting around talking and eating most of the time. When you only see each other once a year, there’s just too much to catch up on. We worked in local flavor where we could, though – brunch at Cafe Eclectic, extensive rhapsodizing by me and Alanna about Memphis basketball and Quincy Pondexter, and pointing out landmarks constantly. Also, everyone came to church with me on Sunday morning, which made me very happy. My heart was full looking down the row!

Anyway, it was great having friends under my roof for a few days. I miss them already.

2 Comments + Posted in: friends

Last week, I was one of the lucky Netgalley few to get my hands on Roomies by Sara Zarr and Tara Altebrando. Roomies is the tale of two strangers – Elizabeth in New Jersey and Lauren in San Francisco – who are randomly paired as roommates for their upcoming first semester at UC Berkeley. Elizabeth can’t wait to escape her only-child life with her single mom; Lauren has more mixed feelings about leaving her large family, in which she’s basically a third parent. Their cross-country correspondence begins with typical discussions about dorm-room appliances, but their stories quickly intertwine in unexpected ways. As they deal with old and new relationships and the realities of leaving home, they become each other’s best supporter and greatest challenger… before they even set foot on campus.

Sara Zarr’s books have a particular sense of honesty and authenticity, and Roomies is no exception. Everything about the story felt true to life. A lot of small emotional moments caught me by surprise. Since e-mail and social media play a large role in the plot, it also felt very of-the-moment, but in a way that will still be fresh later. I don’t know how the authors divided up the writing, but it’s very cohesive while also giving each girl a distinct voice. I hope they work together on a future project!

I loved Roomies and read it in less than 48 hours. Do yourself a favor and pick it up when it releases in December!

Recommended for: high school seniors; anyone nostalgic for their college days and friendships

I received this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

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Thanks for the quality feedback on my last post! It’s prompted some good discussion privately with friends too. If you didn’t get a chance to chime in, it’s not too late! As a follow-up, I decided to share a little more plainly about where I’m currently coming from on these issues. Because I bring my baggage to the discussion, and so do you.

Before I got married at 25 years old, I had equal numbers of male and female friends (and actually spent more time overall with the guys). Real friends with whom I could hang out or talk about problems. I was part of a large, easygoing, mixed-gender social group. Over time, we all got married, moved away, drifted apart… the typical college-friends story. When I crash-landed back into single life at the age of 30, I felt like I’d been dropped onto a different planet, and the natives were not friendly. The entire social landscape was different. Gone were the happily mixed groups. It was like a junior-high dance, with each gender sticking to its side of the gym. Most of the single men I met pretty much acted like I had cooties, and I noticed – to my simultaneous relief and frustration – that they treated most of the other single women the same way.

Already traumatized and insecure about men after my divorce, I had no idea how to bridge these gaps. I longed for some nice men in my life who weren’t related to me, some healthful relationships to help me heal and re-learn how to interact. But the single guys I met clearly weren’t even interested in being friends, at least beyond an extremely surface level. For the most part, this has remained my reality for the past three-plus years. While a few men have shown some interest in me, most were sudden, guns-blazing events that stopped cold as soon as I indicated that I wasn’t romantically interested (couldn’t be, under such conditions). In other words, I wasn’t really worth knowing as a person, just as a “potential.” I have not experienced a man wanting to know me just for me, with no demands. They either ignore (or tolerate) me, or hunt me down like a cruise missile. These experiences have piled damage on top of damage. I know I’m responsible for my own attitudes and growth, but it’s hard to unlearn bad lessons when they keep getting reinforced.

I have always believed that the most solid and fulfilling romances, and marriages, are between people who were friends first – who already have a common history. I briefly lived that dream with my ex-husband. (We were close friends for three years before we even dated.) But he thoroughly smashed it before he left, citing our friendship as the main reason there was no “spark” for him in our marriage. That left me feeling like a fool for believing that such a thing is realistic or even possible. I’d definitely prefer to get to know a man as a person before adding the pressure of a Relationship, but maybe they don’t operate that way.

On a more positive note, I have a growing appreciation for the married men I know, my friends’ husbands. Until recently, I couldn’t see past myself enough to realize that while those friendships are different by necessity, they’re still valid. I can’t interact or be as close with married guys the same way I could with single ones, but they’re still my friends and I know we have each other’s back. I have to stop saying I have no male friends. I’ve done these good men a disservice and I’m trying to do better.

The responses the other day encouraged me (and, I’m sure, other women interested in the outcome). It’s reassuring to know that not all single men interpret friendliness as romantic interest that they have to nip in the bud – and that some would be okay if it was! I highly doubt that I, personally, will ever ask a man out due to my history, but I’m glad that some aren’t opposed to the idea. I feel more empowered now to talk to men without worrying about how it’ll be perceived. So thank you.

I could talk about these sorts of topics all day, so if there’s interest, maybe I’ll make it a more officially regular thing.

2 Comments + Posted in: dating, relationships

I’m beginning to question some of my long-held assumptions about dating. My dating programming has been equally informed by conservative Christian active man/passive woman expectations, secular “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy, and my relationship with my ex, who was a complete stranger to self-doubt. I’ve been taught, explicitly and implicitly, that men act on their romantic interests clearly and swiftly. They either go in with guns blazing or do nothing at all. If they’re interested in someone, they go after her and declare their interest immediately. Therefore, if nothing’s happening, that means they don’t want anything to happen. The end. (Ironically, the guns-blazing approach makes me, and many of my friends, uncomfortable – I even consider it a red flag. Most modern women don’t enjoy feeling like a prey animal.)

My constant refrain when discussing men vs. women, single vs. married, kids vs. no kids is, “Can’t we all just be people?” (Seriously, that could be the subtitle of this blog.) Through that lens, the Tarzan programming looks kind of sexist… toward men. By ascribing one set of aggressive behaviors to all men, we dismiss their individuality and deny them the healthy option to be vulnerable. I don’t like this, and I hereby confess my role in promoting it and my desire to do better. But to get there, I’m going to need more evidence. So, with trepidation, I’m requesting input from some actual men. Preferably Christian men over college age who are single, but others’ thoughts are welcome too, on some or all of the following:

– Does lack of intense pursuit always equal lack of interest?

– Select all that apply: If a woman asked you out, would you
   a) feel flattered?
b) feel horrified?
c) think less of her for doing so?

– If a single woman is friendly toward you (e.g. initiates conversation), do you automatically assume she’s romantically interested in you?

– Are you interested in having female friends regardless of whether those friendships lead to more?

Discuss, and please be kind.

24 Comments + Posted in: dating, relationships

My biggest takeaways from the Soulation Gold Gathering weren’t the things I would have expected. Exhibit A: the importance of Sabbath. Sadly, it’s been years since I consistently practiced any concept of Sabbath – my awareness of this lack was heightened before I even went to the Gathering. I know that rest is a COMMAND, which I ignore to my own detriment. But if I take a whole day to rest and/or do whatever I want, it’s just not possible to get everything done. And I don’t have enough hours in the other six days to work extra hard to free up the time. For me, the stress of that would negate the day of rest anyway.

But thinking about this, and experiencing the rest and refreshment I had in Colorado, cast the craziness of my everyday life into alarming relief. As I’ve mentioned before, for several months (and really for most of my adult life), I’ve been operating on adrenaline. There’s no time for being, only for doing. I am addicted to doing, and the pressure to do constantly is tremendous. My journey with busyness has been somewhat like what many people experience with antidepressants. I reach an unhealthy place where I have to quit some activity for my own sanity. So I do. Then, before long, I’m presented with an attractive new opportunity. Because I feel so much better due to the increased free time, I think, “Yes, I can and should do this!” and happily sign up, and the cycle starts again. Soon I’m back in this maxed-out place wondering how I got here. I’m embarrassed at how many times this has happened.

2013 has been my year of learning to own my identity as a writer. So I’m newly aware that the frantic brain and the creative brain are diametrically opposed. I cannot create if I never stop rushing from one activity to the next. It’s a smaller vicious cycle nested inside the first one – I’m overstressed, I can’t think to write, then I feel more stressed because writing is how I process life. In a similar vein, when I’m too busy, I can’t “hear” God. All the noise drowns Him out. Then I feel disconnected from Him, which makes everything else worse. To fulfill my calling and be fully human, I have to give my mind, heart, and soul more room to breathe. Taking time to rest is not selfishness. It’s what enables me to do the important things.

So I’m starting small. I’m thinking a lot about how I can create pockets of rest in my life, more time to write and relax and be. I’ll have to lay down some of my pride – in taking care of my lawn all by myself, in not being seen as undependable or a quitter. But more than a lesson in humility, this is a lesson in trust. I listen so readily to the voices of fear, to those who tell me I have to do more and more and more in order to find a man. In the quiet of the mountains, I felt God asking me, Hey, do you think you can trust Me with this? I didn’t realize until that moment that, successfully spooked by “God won’t bring the right man to your door,” I’d gone to the opposite extreme.

It won’t be easy, but it’s time (again) to stop striving. It’s time (again) to remember who’s in charge of the universe, and stop feeling like I’m solely responsible to make everything happen. He’s got this, and I need to quiet myself enough to listen for His voice and for the words He’s given me. I need to lay in the sunshine and let it do its life-giving work on the seeds in my soul.

6 Comments + Posted in: faith