Pandemic Diary

Last week, I had to start crossing out events in my planner. One week out, then two. Then more. I decided to cross them out, instead of White-Out taping over them. I decided the crossing out should stand, as a historical record of the things we’re all losing, hopefully temporarily but losing nonetheless. Initially, I was a little excited by the thought of staying home for a while, getting a 100% introvert recharge. Now it feels mostly like grief.

I think the full gravity of our national situation didn’t hit me until, at the same time, my gym and Pilates studio closed and I started working from home. I was feeling some anxiety and having some trouble concentrating, but my daily life was still mostly normal. Now I’m home, with no normalcy sheltering me from our realities and unknowns. I’m worried about the people who were already struggling on the margins of society. I’m afraid for friends who own small businesses or work in one of the many industries taking a beating, and upset that I can’t help all of them. I’m worried about my parents and grandparents, and friends who live alone. I’m disappointed to miss out on trips and fun times. I’m sad about being separated from family, friends, and co-workers. I’m sad for the kids, especially those being denied their proms, senior trips, performances, and graduations. I’m still reeling from the sudden loss of basketball, and I cried at video of Vince Carter taking what might end up being the last shot of his career.

But at the same time, I feel thankful for how things have unfolded personally to put me where I am right now. I’m glad Taylor and I are married and living together during this time. I’m glad we found our dream house ahead of schedule and decided to go for it. I’m glad to have a job in a vital industry that’s as secure as a job can be right now. I’m glad I’m not giving birth in two weeks, in the middle of a pandemic, which I would have been doing if I hadn’t lost the pregnancy last summer. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since 2016, it’s that sometimes things happen for big-picture reasons you NEVER could have fathomed at the time. Previous generations of Americans, who lived through wars and revolutions, knew this. My generation grew up in a time of peace and navel-gazing, so we’re learning it now. Sometimes what works out or doesn’t isn’t about you at all. Sometimes it’s God saying “Kid, there’s a tsunami coming.”

In my optimistic moments, I’m hopeful for the innovation that will come out of this crisis. Because the status quo doesn’t work anymore and we don’t have time for red tape, we’re going to see big advances in medicine, technology, business, sports, entertainment, etc. The world won’t be the same whenever this is over, and that’s scary and upsetting, but it’s also a great opportunity for positive change.

I’ll probably be writing more often as all this continues to unfold. Everyone stay safe and well, and hug the people you can hug (pets count as people).