Some Personal News

I’m pregnant!!!

I realized there’s no point at which I’ll feel “safe” sharing, so now that I’m in the second trimester (and am showing more than I can successfully hide), it’s time to announce our happy news! We went public on social media last weekend and were overwhelmed by everyone’s excitement and congratulations. Thank you all!!!

I really like the way Erin’s Inside Job outlined her pregnancy posts, so I’m going to use her framework for a first-trimester recap.

Note: I know it can be hard to read stuff like this when you’re struggling with infertility, grieving a loss, or just longing for a family of your own. Getting here hasn’t been easy for me either (and I know there are no guarantees!). My intention is never to brag or make anyone feel bad. Feel free to skip this if you need to! <3

Finding Out

I found out I was pregnant on October 2. It was a little early to take a test, but I know my body and was already pretty sure what the results would be! We were happy and excited. With my other two pregnancies, a lot of negotiation was involved in when to tell family, but I was leaving the next day to visit my sister Debra for possibly the only time in this pandemic. Since this is her last baby, it would be our only opportunity to be together while pregnant at the same time. Taylor agreed that I could tell Debra, so she found out about ten minutes after we did! I’m so thankful we got to share that weekend. It also really helped to have her support and good advice in those first few weeks.

I had my first ultrasound at my specialist’s office at a little over 7 weeks. After my last experience with an earlier ultrasound, I was glad to wait until we could definitively know whether the baby was viable or not. I had to go alone due to rona protocols and was very nervous, but the ultrasound tech saw the heartbeat right away, and the growth was right on target! They had me come in twice more over the following weeks, and everything continued to look great. The regular checkups were reassuring – I was thankful never to have to sit too long with my ongoing Schrodinger’s Baby situation.

My last ultrasound was at about 9 ½ weeks, at which point my specialist transferred my care to my regular OB. Taylor was allowed to come with me to the first OB appointment at the end of November, and we heard the heartbeat for the first time! That milestone was really meaningful to me (in addition to, of course, being a huge relief).

We found out the sex so early because my doctor recommended a NIPT. Science is crazy!! (We’re low risk for Down Syndrome and related syndromes, which is nice to know.) Over Thanksgiving weekend, we did a gender reveal on Zoom for the whole immediate family. Taylor put it together and it was the best reveal we could have had in these times.

Physically

Not going to lie, my first trimester has been rough. The sickness hit around six weeks. At first it felt like constant motion sickness, making it difficult to work, and impossible to be on my phone for long or read a book (see also: monthly book count plunging from 10 to 3. I fought for those 3!!). Even within the comforts of home, all my energy went toward surviving and then recovering from the workday. If I started to feel really terrible, I would lay down and close my eyes for ten minutes. Once I gave up and just brought my computer into the bed. Eventually the motion sickness faded into all-day nausea and heartburn. My life became one long blur of trying to work, trying to eat, and laying on the couch. Some days were better than others, but weekends were my only real hope of getting anything done at home. I didn’t take a turn for the better until 12 weeks, and I’m still not 100%. However, I saw big improvement once my doctor told me I could take Pepcid.

Unquestioned permission to hermit has been the #1 upside of a pandemic pregnancy. At times I felt so physically unstable, I was afraid to leave the house, and glad I didn’t have to. I cannot imagine having to dress up, go to work, and act like everything is fine while dealing with this. Or trying to maintain my pre-rona social and activity schedule. Everyone would have known early that something was up. On the other hand, maybe it would have helped to get out and think about something else. I’ll never know.

Foods

I’ve always eaten pretty healthily and was excited to continue that for my baby’s benefit. Then the food aversions started. I couldn’t even think about a vegetable. My first trimester diet has consisted of lots of carbs and the kinds of things you eat when you’re getting over a stomach virus. Foods I could almost always eat: grilled cheese, Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, ramen, popcorn, Jello, crackers, scrambled eggs, fruit cups, and chicken nuggets. I had a moment with smoothies. I haven’t wanted sweets, except for ice cream (which at least has calcium). I stocked up on decaf coffee and tea, but sadly discovered they made me sick too. Crystal Light has been my beverage of choice. Thankfully, a lot of the aversions are fading now. I’m hoping to enjoy at least one Starbucks holiday drink before they’re gone. One thing I am LOVING that I don’t usually care about: condiments. Give me all the mustard and Arby’s sauce.

Happily, Thanksgiving fell right as I was starting to turn a corner, so I was able to eat everything on my menu! It was the first well-rounded meal I’d had in a long time. I’ve never been so excited about mashed potatoes.

Early on, I read some diet culture crap (on a pregnancy app I no longer use) that made me angry and was also triggery. I felt guilty about my “bad” diet, and was still trying to eat “normal” meals at “normal” mealtimes and keep snacking to a minimum. It took my sister a while to convince me I’d feel better taking more of a “constant grazing” approach. Once I saw how much it helped (and heard the same advice from my doctor), I quickly got over having to eat so often. I also decided that getting any food into my body was more important than forcing down healthy things that sounded terrible. I’m hopeful I can soon eat more fish, vegetables, salads, and other things I normally love that are good for the baby. And if I can’t, it’ll still be okay. After this experience, I have… a lot of words for anyone who shames the eating choices of a sick pregnant person. (“First of all, how dare you.”)

Workouts

I always thought I would have a fit, active pregnancy. That has not been possible in the first trimester. We bought an elliptical when I was six or seven weeks, I did a couple of workouts, and then I didn’t touch it again for over a month. I managed to do 30 minutes on it recently, but it’ll likely be a while longer until I can get back on a schedule. The first weekend of December, I did the virtual St. Jude 10K (some running, but mostly walking). I was determined to honor that commitment. It was by far the most I had exerted myself since getting pregnant. Most days I probably haven’t even taken a thousand steps.

I think I’d enjoy more walks, but, you know, the sun sets before 5 PM now. Occasionally Taylor and I walk together in the dark if it’s not too cold. I also want to do more yoga, but inverted and downward facing poses have aggravated my heartburn too much. I can only do the most relaxing Yoga with Adriene videos that are entirely on the floor. I still signed up for her 30 Days of Yoga in January… we’ll see how that goes.

The one thing I have sustained is weight training. I still go to my trainer Kara once a week, and we do whatever safe exercises I feel up to doing. I think I’ve only had to cancel once. Getting stronger for a pregnancy was one of the reasons I started training in the first place, so I really don’t want to lose that. We’re not shooting for any PRs anymore, just maintaining. This can be hard for me to swallow on days when I feel okay-ish. Another day, I almost passed out after a set of goblet squats. It’s a mixed bag.

Emotionally

The first trimester is an especially anxious time when you have a history of miscarriage. I kept an emotional distance at first, while knowing that my doctor and I have done all we can to address my various medical issues. All I could do was wait. With each week and each positive report, I’ve felt lighter. At 14 weeks, I’m more optimistic and can think about having this baby as more of a “when” than an “if.” My gut feeling is that this one is going to make it. But as I said before, I take nothing for granted. I will never go to an appointment without holding my breath a little. I look forward to feeling the baby move so I’ll know he’s okay in there.

I honestly haven’t had the capacity for many other emotions, because I’ve been so focused on getting through the day. Being sick kind of folded me in on myself emotionally and socially, and I’m just starting to come out of it. I am of course very happy about the baby and fully believe he’s worth all this, while also feeling a little intimidated, both about raising a boy and about all the changes of being a mom in general. Plenty of time to explore that later.

I will say, I have a renewed sense that being an older mom is right for me. Not only have I had the opportunity to do lots of things, build a life, and become a healthier person before taking this step, but I’ve also gotten to watch the majority of my friends have kids. I’ve witnessed the full range of parenting/baby care approaches and have some idea of what I do and do not want to emulate. I have over eight years of aunt experience. I’m not going into this blind, which gives me a little confidence I wouldn’t have had otherwise.

I’m also sure Taylor will be a wonderful father. He’s a natural teacher and naturally good with kids (abilities I do not have). He’s been so supportive and understanding these last few months, getting me whatever I need and making sure I feel secure and cared for. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in this whole experience. I love him very much.

Meanwhile, Rufus is not so sure about this whole baby thing.