Waiting.

Things haven’t been all great for me lately. I had a cavity filling that was supposed to be no big deal, but my mouth is still wounded and painful two days later. My favorite Generation X station was replaced by talk radio. I lost my column at Blissfully Domestic because they suddenly transitioned to all paid, pre-scheduled content (I can still submit article queries, but I don’t understand how that works yet. I need to read the editor’s e-mail about ten more times. Why didn’t I major in journalism?).

More than these small disappointments, I’m feeling the approach of the anniversary of the end of my marriage. (To me, the end was the being left, not the paperwork.) I’m happy most of the time, and am way past the point where being divorced dominates all my energy. I’m making my own life, and I like that life. I’m well provided for. I know that (because of God’s love and mercy) I have “done well.” But with this anniversary looming, I feel restless and discontent in a vague sort of way. I’ve had all this renewed purpose, these grand hopes and plans. Or rather, total confidence that God has grand Jeremiah 29:11 plans for me, big happiness and fulfillment and accomplishment. It’s a confidence I’ve never had before. But lately a little voice has been saying, Who are you kidding? Do you see any indications that the things you hope for will happen? Any opportunities in reality? You have no real plan, you’re deluding yourself, and everyone is laughing at you.

I know where that voice probably comes from, but I’ve had a hard time ignoring it. I feel like I was allowed a year to figure out the rest of my life (ridiculous), and now my time is up and I don’t have the answers. Nothing magical has happened. I’m still mostly… waiting, although it’s an active waiting. But despite how I feel, waiting doesn’t suddenly become unacceptable because of a day on a calendar. It doesn’t make me weak or directionless or washed up. The truth is, most of us spend most of our lives waiting. Life’s big moments, when everything comes together, were never meant for everyday. That’s not where our faith is built.

I got a great e-mail from a friend this morning about how Psalm 27:14 has encouraged her:

I needed this reminder that God encourages us to wait on Him, and be hopeful and expectant for what He will do. It’s not delusion. It’s strength and courage. :)

About Brenda

Mom to a preschooler with T1D. Paralegal. Swiftie. Xennial. Grizzlies and Tigers. Pilates and Peloton. Books and fanfic. 901 / 305 View all posts by Brenda →