It took a pandemic for me to get the amount of downtime I actually needed. Before COVID, I was busier than I wanted to be. I’d been working on having a less insane life for several years, but in my heart, I often would have preferred being at home to doing whatever I was doing. This is not to say I didn’t enjoy most of the people and activities I had kept. I just… needed more space and rest. I also didn’t feel like I could cut back any further without committing social suicide / offending people / being lazy/boring/selfish. Now I work at home, spend most evenings in quiet pursuits, haven’t seen most of my friends since the summer, and don’t have to feel guilty about any of it. While I’m definitely ready to be out and about again with other humans (and hope the vaccine will make that possible before I have this baby), I don’t totally hate this life even nine months in.
Basic decency isn’t so basic. I have been stunned again and again this year by what a lot of self-proclaimed “good Christian” people condone or even just accept, and how resistant they are to putting the needs of the marginalized (or of the group) ahead of their own. It truly grieves me. And reminds me that I can never stop examining my own outlook and behavior, because I am not innocent.
Take your prenatal vitamins before bed, not in the morning. And never take them all at once. I was brilliantly taking a big handful of pills every morning and then (frequently) throwing them all up. I asked my doctor why this was still happening in my second trimester and she connected the dots. Since making these changes, so far I have not had any more incidents.
Related: I am a smart, educated woman in my 40s who was still largely clueless about pregnancy. For example, until this fall, the only explanation I had for why you throw up or have heartburn during pregnancy was “hormones.” No one ever told me that said hormones relax your whole digestive tract, rendering it ineffective and unable to keep things in their proper place. (I will never take a functioning digestive tract for granted again. Miss you!! xoxo)
I can do life alone if I have to, but I’d really rather not. Between the pandemic, the racial unrest, and politics in general, most people I know have experienced big relational tension this year. I have too, for those reasons and also more personal ones. At one time or another, I’ve briefly felt alienated from many people close to me. I’ve wondered if anyone is really “safe.” I’ve reminded myself that I’m capable of self-reliance, and if I have to isolate myself (emotionally and socially) in order to live by my principles/be myself in peace, I can handle it. But honestly, it doesn’t sound like much of a life. That’s a difference between me now and me five years ago: going it alone sounds more sad than badass these days. (PS: none of this refers to my marriage, which is going great. One of the best things about 2020 is how close we are after spending most of the year together.)
I don’t really know what friendship is in a pandemic. I’ve been getting existential about this since March. If your friends are the people you see regularly and/or do activities with, what happens when there’s no seeing or activities? Are your friends then people you talk to sometimes and send caring thoughts back and forth into the universe? I guess?
Zoom exhausts me. Please do not take it personally if I’ve been less than enthusiastic about getting on a friend Zoom with you. I want to see you and realize this is really the only option we have for socialization. But I dread the camera angle, the talking over each other, the lack of parameters, the very nature of Zoom.
Finally and most importantly: We will not know for a long time what we really learned this year. All year, I’ve been privy to “what are we learning in the midst of this? what are the takeaways??” type messaging, and I Just Can’t. I’ve been through enough survival times in my life to know that it can take years to comprehend what was going on, and what the lasting impacts were. If you enjoy reflecting on this stuff, go for it, but if not, I advise not worrying about it right now. You can’t see the forest while you’re in it. It’ll all become clear when we’re in a better, or at least a different, place.
Here’s to 2021, everyone. <3
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