I’ve been reflecting on my old fitness routine, before covid and motherhood. For my entire adult life up to March 2020, I worked out four or five days a week. Five days a week. That was what it took to maintain that weight. That was the amount of endorphins it took to keep my lifelong anxiety under control. Three days of cardio (elliptical and running), a couple of days of strength (weight training, Pilates) and whatever yoga I could cram in. For the most part, it wasn’t a hardship. I liked feeling fit and strong. I liked pushing myself. I had the capacity for it; I was used to it. But in the rocks in a jar metaphor of my life, exercise was always one of the biggest rocks. Too many times this year I’ve heard myself saying apologetically that I used to be a really fit person. I’m haunted by voices from the past who would surely say I’ve let myself go, even though I know that’s 1. not true and 2. diet culture/patriarchy.
In any case, this worn-out body has limitations. I never expected to still feel this bad almost six months out from birth. My back hurts from hauling C3 around and residual pregnancy trauma. My knees feel sore and swollen – I keep trying to do squats and cringing. I have foot pain that I can’t trace to any specific muscle, but that makes me hobble when I first get out of bed. My core strength is basically gone. The only positive is that my deltoid muscles, which have always tired quickly no matter what I tried, are rock solid from toting a now almost 20-pound baby. Most days I think, I need a weekly massage. I need daily yoga. I need a physical therapist. Someone please put me back together.
Aside from the physical pain of existing, the adorable baby-shaped rock in my life priorities jar has displaced the fitness rock. My only “free” free time is after C3 is in bed at night. I went to Fit4Mom classes during my maternity leave and LOVED it, but attending the few classes they have not during work hours would really take some doing. I already rely on a lot of help just so I can work. Then I have to reluctantly ask for more help to do special things like attend church, vacuum, or go to the store. Despite that, I’ve gotten a few slow runs in recently, and I was getting into an okay evening routine with the home elliptical that we bought used last year. Then one side of the elliptical started coming off the track. It felt a little dangerous to use it, because I spent the whole time bracing for the impact. Last week, it came off the track twice in ten minutes. I googled for solutions and discovered that once this model does this, it’s just going to keep breaking no matter how many times you fix it. So my main source of cardio is dunzo. I spent the rest of the evening feeling hopeless and frustrated. I’m doing my best, but I just can’t get back on track!
After this had marinated for a few days, I realized… I am not going to get back on track. The track has been disassembled. I have to build a brand new track. I have to stop thinking of myself as a failure because I’m not doing things the same way I did before my world, and the world at large, changed. Who’s saying it was even the best way? It was just what I had always done!! But “before” is over. It’s time to change my approach and my expectations of myself. It’s time to be flexible and open to new options, fitness and otherwise. I’ve generally been in a mood to throw out the playbook and try new things. I might find something even better than Before. I think we could all benefit from thinking about that right now.
My word for 2021 was/is Release, and I’m releasing more things. Maybe I’ll never look the same as I did before… all this, but I look okay even now. Maybe I’ll never be back in a gym multiple days a week. Maybe rebuilding my strength and endurance will be a long process. Making peace with that is not failure. My body grew a person and I already bought bigger pants that I like. Let the trolls come. Thank you next.
(I still need a medical professional though.)
Oh I have so much to say on this. I’ll *try* to be concise. 🤣 I didn’t have a baby and I strongly relate to this post. Pre-COVID, I exercised 5 days a week for a decade and a half. I was not in perfect shape, but I was fit and strong and overall healthy. I’m still overall healthy. But…my body composition has changed and my strength and fitness has decreased significantly. Because at the start of COVID, I canceled my gym membership. I tried online training and lasted 1 month. Even though I have a lot of equipment at home, it’s not the same. And my schedule was totally jacked…I didn’t even realize how much my gym time depended on my regular schedule (of leaving the house!) For a WHOLE YEAR, I just couldn’t make myself do anything with any sense of regularity. After a DECADE AND A HALF of consistency, I fell apart – almost overnight. I was shocked at how easily that “15 year habit” was completely destroyed. I got Netflix and my “new” preference was sitting in my recliner watching tv with my husband. In the Spring of 2021 – a whole year later, I finally decided to make a new fitness habit. By this time, I was up 2 sizes and my strength and fitness was pretty much gone. All I could do was walk…I still couldn’t seem to make myself do anything with intensity…but at least I was moving again. I walked my neighborhood (with massive hills) 5-ish days a week and felt better…like I was “on the way” to my old self. In early Fall, my husband asked “Have you thought about what you are going to do when the weather and daylight prohibit you from walking?” I bought a rower 2 days later. I really didn’t “need” anything bc I already have a gym in my basement, but I wasn’t using it. Too “intense.” Buying that rower is probably the best thing I’ve done for myself since pre-COVID. It’s low impact and works 85% of my muscles with every session. I’ve been on that rower at least 3 days but most weeks 5-6 days. Everything is improving again (slowly…but still positive!) and I’m happy to get on the rower. In the year of nothing, I gained 12 lbs, 2 sizes, & lost all kinds of strength & fitness. I’m down by half that, down a size, and my strength & fitness is finally on a positive trend. But I’ve decided that I just don’t care to try to match my old self. If I stay at this new size forever, that’s fine. I’ll buy new clothes I like at the size I am today. I need my strength and fitness to improve because that’s important for a long, healthy life…but I don’t care about a size or weight or beauty mold. All of this to say, I’m sure so many people can relate to your post, even without a new baby. But girl, you did AMAZING things last year. I encourage you to stay in this space you described…finding the balance of peace for where you are, gratefulness for the amazing things you’ve been able to do…hello strong arms & shoulders, thank you for carrying this beautiful baby everywhere, and the ability to keep trying to find what works for you to maintain strength and fitness for health as we age. They make beautiful clothes in all sizes, who cares if the label says something different than it did in 2019? :)
Yes, you do need a health professional, Brenda! I’m not sure if you are joking or if you’re serious, but do you know there are physical therapists who specialize in women’s post-partum core/pelvic floor health? Do it. Stat. I’m a mess after baby 4 (and 3, and 2), and am finally taking the PT seriously, and it’s been so very re-moralizing, if that’s the word.
Congratulations on your wonderful little guy, by the way.
An old friend,
Ashley
Hi!!! :) Yes, I am serious! I’m going to look into it in the new year. There’s a PT right in my neighborhood. Solidarity!