Last week, while sitting in church, I had one of those realizations of an obvious truth that I hadn’t found an internal framework for. I’ve been thinking more than usual about relationships and community, and this is what dawned on me:

People want to be…

seen for who they are,
known for who they are,
and loved for (sometimes despite) who they are.

I believe that this is an organic process, and each step is important.

When someone sees you, they perceive something about your real self. It’s an acknowledgement of a talent or trait you have, or your personality, or the way you express yourself. In my experience, what is seen is often something you weren’t fully aware of yourself. Whether it’s in passing or over a period of time, communicated to you or not, the seeing person recognizes your unique awesomeness.

Seeing isn’t always mutual, but when it is, it naturally leads to knowing. To know someone is to move beyond surface admiration and really become friends. In this phase, you grow in awareness of each other’s faults as well as your positive traits. You learn about each other’s lives and beliefs and favorite things. You start walking together through life.

Only when you truly know each other can you really love each other. To be loved is to have assurance that you’re accepted as your whole, messy self. Real love, in itself, is a commitment. (I’m talking about personal love here, not the general Christlike love that we’re supposed to extend to everyone.) Also, as we love people, we gain the eyes to see new things about them, and the cycle starts again.

I think we all need people at each of these levels in our lives. We don’t have the capacity to intensely love everyone we know. At the same time, having a lot of shallow relationships can leave us feeling empty and alone. It’s totally possible to socialize with a group of people for years and never even connect on a seeing level. I’ve been dealing with this in my own life. I’ve felt very alone for a while and couldn’t figure out why. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and lead an active, social life. But in reality, there are very few friends I can call if I’m sad or struggling or generally not okay, and not worry that I’m burdening them or they’ll think badly of me (and I’m even hesitant to call those people). My love level is a little sparse. I know many people can relate.

Sometimes you really connect with someone and move quickly through these phases. As an INFJ, I can usually sense right away whether someone is kindredly or not, but I also don’t try to be BFF immediately. I think a lot of awkwardness in relationships is due to one or both parties trying to skip one of these natural stages. I also think this pattern applies to ALL types of relationships, but it’s especially noticeable in romantic relationships. From what I’ve observed and experienced, a lot of single people are eager to skip straight from seeing to loving, and it just feels icky and uncomfortable. If you don’t know, what are you loving exactly? To whom are you giving yourself? Love based on friendship has always been a big deal to me, and now I can finally articulate why.

I may revisit this concept in the future, because I’m discovering more and more applications for it. Hopefully it helps others understand some things too.

PS: the more I worked on this post, the more I felt like this:

2 Comments + Posted in: love, reflections, relationships

I’m a fan of Gretchen Rubin. Her book The Happiness Project encouraged and motivated me in a healthy way, not an exhausting, longer-to-do-list way. It’s about enhancing the life you already have and embracing who you truly are. In the book, she makes some uncommon personality distinctions that have helped me understand myself and others better. With the new year, this one has been on my mind a lot: Are you a moderator or an abstainer? I’m a born moderator who’s always felt alone in a world of abstainers. Until I read about this concept, I thought I was weird or weak for having a strong aversion to extremes. Telling me I can never, or must always, have or do something sends me into a panic. To use the most obvious example, a radical, food-group-eliminating diet would be a nightmare for me. When I needed to lose some weight about six years ago, I did it by simply tracking food and exercise on Sparkpeople. I had a calorie limit each day, but that was my only restriction. Technically, if I felt like it, I could eat half a cake and be done for the day. I never did that, but I needed that open window in order to succeed. Classic moderator. I’m not one to give anything up cold turkey – I can cut back, adjust, do what I need to do. But day-to-day self-discipline lacks the impact of a sweeping declaration never to touch a cookie again. In any case, I don’t believe one way is better or worse than the other – the problem comes when we try to make it so, and remake others in our image (as Rubin observes in the linked post).

Anyway, New Year’s resolutions make me a little antsy. Partly due to my moderator nature, I’m goal-oriented all the time and really don’t need more pressure to grow, achieve, or improve myself. (Seriously, it’s a problem.) I already tend to run in too many directions and not make much headway in any of them. So I was allured by the idea of OneWord365, spearheaded by one of my favorite bloggers, Alece at Grit and Glory. If you read any personal blogs, you’ve probably heard of OneWord365. The idea is to pick one word as a sort of spiritual lighthouse for your year – a focus for your thoughts and prayers and goals. People rave about how God has changed them and worked in their lives through their One Words. I’d like a piece of that. But I didn’t start thinking about a word until Christmas, and none of my ideas have been accompanied by fireworks and neon signs. Plus, it feels a little bit like telling God what He’s going to do in my life this year, and that makes me skittish. You can never declare with confidence what God has planned for you. That lesson has been painfully engraved into my cells.

Still. As I’ve continued to think about it, a word has emerged. It’s not perfect, and I don’t quite know yet how to apply it to my life. But it’s something I desperately need, so here it is: <

Focus. My One Word for 2013. You heard it here first.

11 Comments + Posted in: one word 365, reflections

On Saturday night, I went to a mass Christmas tree burning. I’d never seen anything like it! A guy from my church does this every year on his family’s farm. A group of people drove around town all day collecting nearly-dead trees that were left out on the curb, and ended up with 65 trees. The pile of trees alone was impressive, but the fire was incredible.

I started to get nervous a couple of times! This really showed me why real Christmas trees start so many house fires. The whole pile went up in minutes. (It smelled nice and piney, too.)

I’ve ordered a new camera, and I wished I had it to capture all the sparks against the night sky (my current camera isn’t up to the task). It was weirdly beautiful. When the fire died down to a normal level, we made s’mores… so the trees’ sacrifice was not in vain. :)

1 Comment + Posted in: life lately

My New Year jaunt to Nashville was important to me, and not only because of the holiday. It was my last opportunity to visit Debra, Lance, and Niecy there. My sister and her little family are moving to southeastern Alabama this month. Lance, who’s a children’s pastor, has taken a new job. The senior pastor at this church was his youth pastor growing up and even officiated Debra and Lance’s wedding. They have a great relationship. It’s a fantastic opportunity, and I’m very happy for him! But, while Nashville is a mere skip and jump away from Memphis, Dothan is a full day’s trip:

I know people whose sisters have moved all over the globe, so I’m fully aware that mine isn’t even leaving the South, and it’s nothing to get worked up about. But for the past few weeks, I’ve gone through a mini-grieving process. Change and goodbyes have always been exceptionally hard for me (or maybe I’m so surrounded by unattached free-spirit types that I have a wrong perception of the norm). On top of that, due to my past experiences, separations from loved ones often trigger emotional land mines. It’s a barrel of fun. But now I’ve had my freakout and am feeling much more positive about the situation. Distance has never come between me and my sister, and it’s not going to start now. We live in an age of cheap long distance and video chat, and Niecy will still know me. And let’s face it, nothing’s going to keep my parents away from their grandchild for more than a few months at a time, so there will still be visits. AND: Dothan is so close to the beach. It’s like a gift-wrapped beach excuse!

For the past nine years, one or both of my siblings have lived in Nashville. It’s become my second home, and at first I felt like I was losing that too. But my BFF Emily lives outside the city, and several local friends have expressed interest in day trips anytime I want to go. So Nashville, you can’t get rid of me that easily. :)

Bottom line: It’s going to be okay.

(Pictures taken at the Opryland Hotel, one of my favorite places.)

1 Comment + Posted in: changes, family, nashville

My long holiday staycation is over. This year, I spent most of my time off sitting around with my family. Here are some highlights!
 

  

Christmas was great! My parents, brother, and I started the day with my dad’s traditional Christmas omelets (plus grits!), then opened presents. I was excessively spoiled as usual. My favorite gift was the Vera Bradley Metropolitan bag that I’ve been stalking for months! It’s exactly the carry-on I needed.

Last year my mom finally got real china (after 36 years of marriage! Sheesh), a china cabinet, and a beautiful dining table and chairs. So she was pumped about having a formal Christmas dinner. She even had mini-stockings monogrammed for place settings. It was very nice. For Christmas I gave her some chafing dishes (the kind with tea lights underneath to keep the food hot). They really work!

Debra, Lance, and Niecy arrived in the afternoon and opened their presents before dinner. Although Niecy is still too young to comprehend Christmas, she loved playing with her new toys and attempting to eat the wrapping paper.

 

 

 

It snowed on Christmas night, and we woke up to about an inch of snow!

 

 

We mostly enjoyed it from the warmth of the house. :)

 

Debra and fam left Memphis on Friday, but on Sunday afternoon I drove to Nashville to spend New Year’s with them. On Monday morning, we ended 2012 on the right note with a visit to Pancake Pantry!

 

 

Debra and Lance have spent the last several New Year’s Eves with the same group of friends (including Erin!). They all came over and we had a great time. We mostly sat around eating, chatting, and watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve, although we did play a game and watch The One With All The Resolutions!

 

 

Unfortunately, I kicked off 2013 by getting sick again. I know. It was like a repeat of Thanksgiving – I started feeling bad on the drive to Nashville and got hit hard the next morning. I was terrified that I’d managed to get the flu twice in one month. Thankfully, after some DayQuil and a long nap, the flu-ish feelings went away (and Niecy already had a cold, so I didn’t have to worry about infecting her while I was there). But I’m still not feeling my best, and breathing is hard. I have now been sick or recovering from sickness for the better part of six weeks. SO READY TO BE DONE WITH THIS, but I believe the new year will get much better from here!

2 Comments + Posted in: christmas, family, life lately