As I’ve written about here, I miscarried my first pregnancy last August. I’ve been under the care of a fertility specialist ever since. Most women have to endure several miscarriages before getting specialized care; my quick referral came thanks to being 40 and having a fibroid the size of a peach. (I could write a whole post about that alone, but I’ll just say advocate for yourself when you know something is off. If I had, I could have had this thing removed years ago.) Tests revealed that I have a rare blood antibody syndrome called APS. Without treatment, my odds of successfully carrying a baby to term are low. It’s impossible to know, but I believe this condition is what ended my first pregnancy. The good news is that once you know you have it, treatment is pretty effective.
Anyway, after months of tests and gathering information, we determined I could safely try again. I got a positive pregnancy test in mid-March, the same week COVID sent me home to work and Taylor changed jobs. Last summer, I was stunned and moderately panicked to find out I was pregnant. This time, despite the global chaos, we both felt excited and prepared. In those first crazy shutdown weeks, I only left the house to go to my doctor for blood draws (amused by the irony of commuting to his office close to my workplace). I learned I would have to start giving myself twice-daily heparin shots. It was intimidating, and getting all the supplies together at that time was challenging, but the shots were truly not a big deal once I got used to them. It was also nice to spend the beginning of my pregnancy at home, with home comforts and no one but Taylor to notice my many appointments, tiredness, and excessive eating.
Thanks to my special snowflake status, I had my first ultrasound at six weeks. Taylor couldn’t come with me to this or any other appointment due to COVID restrictions. I never got to see my first baby, so it was extra thrilling to see a dot and everything else that was supposed to be there. However, the tech didn’t find a heartbeat. She reassured me that it was early and my dates might be a little off, and scheduled me to come back in 10 days. My numbers looked great and my body was doing everything it was supposed to do. No one seemed super concerned. I chose to remain hopeful. We made multiple copies of the ultrasound picture and announced to our immediate families on Easter weekend. I said that I was aware this was a risky choice, but I wanted to have the experience of a happy announcement, especially during a time when we all needed good news. Telling my family “So, I was pregnant” last time was not great.
There was another reason I wanted to go ahead and share: my sister Debra, my best friend, is pregnant with her third child due in December. She was only two weeks behind me, and told me as soon as she found out (having recently lost two pregnancies herself very early). The thought of being pregnant together and raising kids almost the exact same age flooded me with joy. I thought, well now both of these babies have to live! An old TV theme song about identical cousins floated up from the depths of my memory, and I found myself singing it in my head often.
So I was optimistic going into the follow-up ultrasound… and somehow surprised when the tech said, “I’m sorry, I don’t see any change.” The baby hadn’t grown or developed past six-ish weeks, and had no heartbeat. This is called a missed miscarriage, when your body doesn’t realize the fetus isn’t viable and just keeps trucking along. (Surprise: a whole different category of miscarriage to cross off the list!) My doctor presented me with a few options. Right away I felt like I would prefer a D&C to waiting a potential 6-8 weeks for my body to figure things out. But I started losing the baby naturally a few days later, before I could schedule anything.
We agreed with my doctor that I should send some tissue for analysis. I knew it would give me closure and comfort to have information about what went wrong (missed miscarriages are usually due to a chromosomal problem) and even what the baby’s sex was. This lab was touted for its quick results, but three weeks passed and we still hadn’t heard anything. When I finally called, I found out the test was inconclusive. Do you know how many of those tests are inconclusive? Less than 1 percent. In some ways, that was a harder blow than the actual loss.
The pregnancy sheltered me somewhat from the early days of the pandemic. I “knew” (still constantly aware that it might not work out) that whatever craziness was happening in the world around Thanksgiving 2020, I would be having a baby. That was my goal. Once that focus was gone, I got the full impact of the “coronamotions” everyone else had been experiencing for weeks, mixed with the adrift feelings common after a loss. After eight weeks of pregnancy, plus the quarantine loss of my exercise routine and daily comfort eating, I felt uncomfortable and frustrated in my own body. Plus, I couldn’t hug my parents, visit my sister to cheer myself up, have someone pray over me at church, or talk face to face with friends. I think that made me feel extra closed-up about it. As always, Taylor has been completely supportive, helpful, and loving throughout this time, but it was still tough not having my community in the full sense.
A second miscarriage also brings a certain amount of lasting dread. One is a fluke, two is a pattern. All the statistics in the world can’t change that feeling. But fortunately, I’m healthy, I don’t need help getting pregnant, I have access to great medical care, and aside from my age, all my problems are treatable. My identity has never been ingrained in the idea of parenthood, and I know that we will both be okay if we’re ultimately unable to have a baby. I also know there’s a limit to how many more times I can go through this, and I trust myself to know when I’m done. But I’m not throwing in the towel yet.
My first miscarriage was bewildering; my second was, very unexpectedly, empowering. In the end it felt like a surprise graduation from over a decade of hard inner work. The first victory happened when I sat alone in my doctor’s office after the verdict, automatically starting to blame myself – my body failing me again, my inability to marry the right person at a healthier maternal age, etc. Self-blame has been my first instinct for most of my life, especially in a crisis. But I snapped out of it almost immediately. Like Neo, I held up my hand to stop that rain of bullets, and I thought simply, Nah. I did not need anyone to say to me that this was not my (or anyone’s) fault, and beating myself up over it was a waste of precious energy. I already knew it in my cells. I was able to handle the rest of that appointment with calm and focus. Then later, when I got some strongly worded, unasked-for input about my situation, while I was grieving and hormonal, I stopped those bullets in their tracks too. I not only refused to absorb those words, but also recognized them as boundary violations and called them out. This is probably normal for many of you (and it should be), but for me, it was revolutionary. I don’t think the me of even a year ago could have done it. That experience was a gift. It gave me the certainty that if I do have a child, it will have a mother who is fully, unapologetically herself and can look fear and shame in the face even when she’s down. I worked hard for that, and I thank God for it.
I also had a spiritual experience with a Yoga with Adriene video during my miscarriage: her Yoga for Women, which is very restorative and meant to help with monthly pains. It did help me physically, but it also reminded me that pregnancy loss, rather than excluding one from full womanhood, is just as much part of being a woman as giving birth. I felt a deep, peaceful sense of connection to women throughout history and the feminine spirit. Death is part of the circle of life. It’s not outside it.
Reading other people’s miscarriage and infertility stories has been so helpful to me. I’m especially thankful to Jennie of The Uterus Monologues (who, just this week, had her first baby after multiple losses!). The further life takes you from the “ideal” path (however your culture defines it), the lonelier it can be. As someone with a life that continues to veer from the pattern I was prescribed, I feel a responsibility to bring my fellow misfits alongside. You are not alone. If you’re grieving losses, if you have APS and are scared, or just need a sympathetic ear about any of this stuff, I’m here.
PS: I think this one was a girl.
6 Comments + Posted in: grief, health, milestone, womanhood
Happy June! Did anyone see any pretty Saharan dust storm sunsets? (Did anyone have “Saharan dust storm” on your 2020 bingo card for June?) We went down to the river hoping for amazing colors, but the most interesting thing that happened was this moment when it looked like there was a ring around the sun. Anyway, let’s get into it.
Reading
Floret Farm’s Cut Flower Garden: Grow, Harvest, and Arrange Stunning Seasonal Blooms by Erin Benzakein and Michele M. Waite (4 stars) I read this beautiful reference book cover to cover and will be coming back to it in the future!
When We Left Cuba by Chanel Cleeton (3.5 stars) The sequel to Next Year in Havana focuses on Elisa’s dazzling sister Beatriz, after the Perez family has fled Cuba for Palm Beach.
Strangers and Cousins by Leah Hager Cohen (3.5 stars) A novel about an unusual wedding at a historic family home. It’s… a lot, but there are moments of brilliance. I think I’ll appreciate it more upon reflection. It’s like a literary version of Morgan Matson’s Save the Date (which I loved).
Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City by Matthew Desmond (5 stars) While you’re on the waitlist for the most popular anti-racism books, read this true narrative of poor Milwaukeeans trying to find and keep a home, and the people who exploit them. Desmond embedded in the community for years and went where the stories took him. It’s haunting and will open your eyes to the realities of the housing crisis.
The Happy Ever After Playlist by Abby Jimenez (4 stars) The sequel to The Friend Zone – it was actually written before the first book! Sloan is still grieving the loss of her fiance when a dog literally jumps into her car at a red light. She tracks down his owner, a musician named Jason. They hit it off immediately, but then have to navigate the challenges of his developing career.
Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion by Jia Tolentino (5 stars) A ruthlessly on-point collection of essays. I especially recommend the one about the evolution of the internet.
What You Become in Flight by Ellen O’Connell Whittet (4 stars) I snatched up this brand-new memoir by a former ballerina. Ballet is the backbone of her story that spans family tragedy, health problems, assault, and the different ways to be an artist.
Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets, & Advice for Living Your Best Life by Ali Wong (4 stars) In the format of letters to her daughters, Ali Wong shares the highlights and lowlights of her life so far. There’s a lot of raunch here as you would expect, but she’s a funny, engaging writer with a lot of interesting experiences.
Listening
Forever35 Mini-Ep 115: Friendship Questions with Danielle Bayard Jackson was helpful, thought-provoking, and fed my ongoing existential crisis of what is friendship anymore? do I even have friends? I also liked the Weight Watchers and Me episode of Everything is Fine – considering adding Marisa Meltzer’s book to my TBR.
Watching
I haven’t been keeping track of everything we (re)watch. A lot of things that I’m excited about drop this holiday weekend, so I’ll have more here next month! I will say: I’m working on the current season of The Bold Type and it’s the best yet; I semi-watched Uncut Gems and did not like it.
Travel
We had an “isolation vacation” visiting my brother and SIL in the mountains of northern Wyoming. I wrote about it here!
At Home
After a visit from an electrician, our backyard gazebo now has string lights and a fan, just in time for the real arrival of summer. I sit out there well into the evening. We’re thinking about some other additions too!
We started talking about getting a chest freezer early in the pandemic. Of course, all the stores have been sold out for months, so I was shocked when Taylor found this one at Home Depot. Now we have stock-up flexibility, and if things get more serious and we need to, like, go in on a cow, we can.
We thought our yard surprises were over, but this ruffled daylily has been a welcome one.
Cut Flower Garden got me very psyched to start growing interesting flowers, but discouraged because I’m terrible at starting seeds. Then it occurred to me to start them in my Aerogarden! I ordered some empty pods and started a batch of these Floret flower seeds in them last weekend. I have more kinds for fall. Stay tuned!
After six months’ residence in our house, I just now finally deep-cleaned my bathroom. This is only the first of MANY serious detail cleanings and reassessments that need to be done. Whenever I’m tempted to feel ashamed about this, I remind myself that I’m living through 2020. Anyway, the fixtures I thought were dark oil-rubbed bronze are actually gold/brass. I couldn’t get them all the way clean even after extensive scrubbing with a copper pad and Bar Keeper’s Friend. Meanwhile, the floor tiles are tiny (and, in some places, crumbling) squares, and dirty grout is stubborn and abundant. Someone recommended this floor steamer and I’m seriously considering it.
On the surface, our house was move-in ready, but once I started looking closely, the neglect of the last several years was obvious. It’s hard to gear up to fix problems that, while annoying, are livable. Even when you’re at home all the time.
Eating
For Father’s Day, I made each of our dads their favorite dessert: strawberry rhubarb pie for my FIL, banana pudding for my dad. They were both happy!
Vitamin Water has a new Cool Blueberry Lavender flavor that Taylor and I are both loving. I’m thrilled someone is making a blueberry flavor again – I was still mourning Crystal Light blueberry green tea that they stopped making 8 years ago.
Wearing
My MIL surprised me with these comfy Tigers shoes that will be great whenever we have sports again. I don’t know where she got them.
J. Crew Factory had a massive shorts sale just as I realized hardly any of my shorts fit. I placed an order that arrived at the end of May, and have been wearing all the items constantly. I especially recommend the linen drawstring shorts, but I also got the black scalloped hem shorts and the chambray shorts, and the classic v-neck in pink and black.
Any other smaller-faced people struggling to find good masks? My top maker so far is Smashing Threads – I have two masks from her and will probably get more. They’re durable yet soft, don’t hit me mid-eyeball, are easy to take on and off, and come in a ton of cute fabrics.
Milestone
Yesterday was our first anniversary! <3 If you’re new to the blog or just want to relive our wedding with us, that post is here. Our epic first year of marriage has included 1 global pandemic, 1 job change, 2 moves, 2 miscarriages, 2 dads retiring, several historic Tigers moments, countless hours of yard work, and 365 breakfasts cooked by Taylor. Somehow we’ve survived it all, and still love and like each other after being together 24/7 for months. We’re also thankful that we got married when we did and were able to have a wedding.
(Put a pin in this: coupled people are having to be everything to each other right now, something I firmly believe is not healthy or sustainable. You need a village! And we have the privilege of companionship, while single and living-alone people are dealing with real isolation. DO NOT FORGET YOUR SINGLE PEOPLE.)
(Put another pin in this: yes, I lost another pregnancy. I haven’t felt like talking much about it until recently, but I will soon.)
For our stay-at-home anniversary, we each ordered whatever takeout we wanted (I got scallops!) and watched a movie from a couch fort in the living room. Taylor gave me a portable hammock! I gave him a yearbook album, a tradition I want to continue. Since the classic first-anniversary gift is paper, it worked as a standalone for this year. Mixbook pro tip: putting your photos in the right order before uploading them will save you hours of frustration. I learned this and other things the hard way in December making a book for a friend.
We had a small cake at our wedding supplemented by donuts, so instead of saving part of the cake (which usually turns out gross anyway), I ordered a fresh mini replica for our anniversary. I only got two bites of the original, so getting to enjoy it properly is great!
Your Monthly Rufus
On the Blog
In addition to the Wyoming writeup, I devoted a post to the barred owls that live on our block. They give me so much joy!
Good Reads
Love is/Love is Not and the Mushy Middle
Elmwood cradle gardeners tend roots of history
An Open Letter to White People Who Have Recently “Discovered” Juneteenth
How to Feed Crowds in a Protest or Pandemic? The Sikhs Know
Can a Late Dinner Cause Weight Gain? A Look at the Latest Study.
Let’s Talk About Defunding & Abolishing the Police
Six Incredible Black Artists to Fall in Love With.
How to Show Up for Your People, and Yourself, Right Now
PS: sign the petition for Justice for Breonna Taylor
Add a Comment + Posted in: what i'm into
My brother and sister-in-law have lived in Sheridan, Wyoming for two years. Pre-COVID, Taylor and I planned a trip to visit them in June. Other than my dad, no one in our family had been out there. We hadn’t seen Kevin and Stefanie since our wedding and weren’t sure when we’d get another chance. After debating almost up to the last minute, we finally decided to proceed with the trip because Sheridan is very isolated. They had about 15 COVID cases in March, and none since. Taylor and I have been very cautious throughout the pandemic and Kevin wasn’t worried about us being there. We saw far more animals than people during our visit, and wore masks when around people. Disclaimer over; on to the story!
The town and its Main Street are pretty charming. There are bronze statues on almost every corner of the downtown area, commissioned by a wealthy resident. Sheridan is considered one of the artsiest towns in Wyoming.
My SIL Stefanie co-owns a boutique downtown, The Union. I’m so impressed with her great taste and business savvy. She even partnered with a local brewery to get their own store brand kombucha! #hipsterpoints
Animals are EVERYWHERE in town. Deer, rabbits, and even antelope wander freely on residential streets (the deer reminded me of Big Pine Key). One section of the main park is a bison and cattle range.
At my request, we took a short drive to the state line. I’d never been to Montana before. We hope to go to Glacier National Park next summer, if travel is safer by then.
We didn’t go in with an itinerary and were happy to do whatever Kevin and Stef suggested. We discussed a day trip to Yellowstone, but ultimately decided to save that for another time. Instead, we spent a couple of days wandering in the beautiful Bighorn Mountains. Not having much experience with mountain ranges, I was only moderately impressed by the hills I saw in the distance until we actually went up them. It’s another world up there!
Their Australian shepherd loves the mountains too. Obviously I’m more of a cat person, but he’s the best dog!
Before our visit to Shell Canyon and Falls, I had only ever seen anything like it in pictures!
On the way back from the falls, we noticed a few areas of snow hanging on to some of the higher peaks. I couldn’t resist getting a picture with snow on the summer solstice. Talk about something I’d never done before!
One afternoon we drove to the neighboring town of Story specifically for the purpose of hanging out next to a mountain stream in a park. (My sister laughed when I told her that, but it was extremely on brand for all of us.) We also stopped by their fish hatchery.
There was also plenty of relaxing downtime at the house with the dog and cat!
It did all of us good to be together and spend time in nature, and the change of scenery was great for Taylor and me. The West is really something and I’m excited to see more of it in the future! I’ve never been big on going to Shelby Forest or the Wolf River trails, but seeing a culture so connected to the wilderness has made me more interested in the wilderness available to us here. There’s no better time to start.
Many people have taken up new hobbies in the last few months: puzzles, embroidery, home remodeling. My pandemic hobby? Owls.
Toward the end of March, a neighbor mentioned that owls had been seen in our area. I’d seen hawks around – including one that swooped over me on a midday walk – but never an owl. On the afternoon of April 17, I looked up from my computer into the eyes of a large barred owl, perched on one of the lower branches of our neighbor’s oak tree. I assumed this was a rare sighting, but since then, I’ve seen an owl almost every day! Sometimes two, because as we discovered about a month later, we have a pair! They like our yard and have become a part of our lives.
Unlike most birds, the slightly larger one with more show-offy plumage is the female. We’re calling them Owlbert Einstein and Owlette (that one is for my PJ Masks-obsessed niece). I’m not an expert at telling them apart, but I’m pretty sure we see Owlbert most of the time.
Owls like to rest in densely forested areas during the day – ours are regulars in the grove of trees at the back of our next-door neighbor’s yard. In the evening, they swoop majestically over our other neighbor’s yard, which is wide open and a popular hangout for small animals. We hear their loud, distinctive hoots even on days we don’t see them.
My favorite encounter so far was a day both owls rested in the grove of trees while I gardened. They inched closer together throughout the afternoon and eventually started grooming each other! I (quietly) called to Taylor to come see, and when he did, they turned their heads around to look at him, putting their tails together and forming a heart shape like a Valentine cartoon. IT WAS AMAZING. (Sadly, I didn’t get a picture because my hands were covered in dirt.)
We put up a new fence in May, which quickly became a popular owl hunting perch. They’ve started spending more time in our magnolia tree and one of our big oaks (especially when it rains). Last week, I even saw Owlbert on the ground! It was the first time I’d seen an owl “walk.” He moves like a chicken.
I’ve been reading and learning all I can about the owls and their behavior. Reportedly they don’t migrate and don’t venture many miles from their home, so I think we can look forward to them being around for a long time! But while I feel a bond with them, I also maintain a healthy respect for them. Several people have warned me that they can get aggressive, which I already know thanks to the High Point Owl‘s reign of terror in 2013. (#NeverForget) Last week Owlbert appeared to be flying at Taylor sitting under our backyard gazebo, but I think he might have been looking for a good place to shelter from the rain. I’m on guard, though. As tempting as it is to try to get closer to get better pictures, I give them plenty of space, and have left in a hurry the few times they’ve head-bobbed at me.
I’ve also looked up the symbolism of owls in different cultures and traditions. Although many consider them a symbol of death (kind of appropriate for our times), it’s often as a helper in a circle-of-life context. Other cultures see them as representatives of wisdom, knowledge, clarity, fearlessness, victory in battle, or even fertility, all of which I welcome! But whether it “means” anything or not, I consider the owls’ presence a gift. Seeing them is one of the highlights of my day.
3 Comments + Posted in: nature
Honeysuckle always reminds me of my first May in Memphis. As a kid from Miami who had never seen seasons, everything was new and exotic to me that fifth-grade year. Our last few recess times of the year were spent standing around a giant honeysuckle bush at the back of the lot, where my classmates showed me how to take out the middle of the blossom and taste the nectar. I still sometimes do that when I pass a bush like this.
Not much has changed about my daily life since last month’s update, and most of the time, I’m okay with it. Of course I want to see friends, go to church, have a drink on a patio, visit my sister, go see the ocean, hug my parents. All month I’ve been cognizant of the Memphis in May events occurring in some alternate timeline, and how we’re missing our most joyful time of year. I’m burdened by the tremendous suffering currently happening in the world due to the virus, racism, incompetence, or just plain evil. I’m also still working through some personal events. Sometimes I feel so heavy I have to take Elizabeth Esther’s advice to “give it to God and go to sleep.” But I also have moments of happiness and peace watching backyard animals with my husband or sitting under our big oaks looking for fireflies at sunset. I’m really settling into the simplicity and restfulness of stay-home life. I’m not very excited to exchange that for the hamster-wheel exhaustion of “normal”… whenever that happens.
Reading
A Word about Reading during Pandemic/Crisis/Perpetual Dumpster Fire: I’m finding it difficult to read much heavy material during such a heavy time. My church book club, which focuses on social justice, is reading Evicted and I had to skip right out on the first discussion. Sometimes when you’re already extremely aware that the world sucks, you Just Cannot. I’ve rallied and am slowly catching up, but if you’re someone who needs permission to read a lot of fluff for a while, I want to give you that permission. Go escape into a romance or children’s book or dishy celebrity memoir. If we don’t take mental breaks, we will all go nuts.
Okay, on to this month’s reads!
Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler (4 stars) An articulate memoir of being diagnosed with advanced cancer at 35. Reading this right now was risky, but Bowler has a great sense of humor, and is also still alive and doing okay! Her NYT interview from last month is worth reading.
Poser: My Life in Twenty-three Yoga Poses by Claire Dederer (3.5 stars) A yoga memoir by a lifelong Seattleite. It’s well written and sometimes profound, but for some reason I struggled to get through it.
Nobody Will Tell You This But Me: A True (as Told to Me) Story by Bess Kalb (5 stars) After losing her beloved grandmother, Bess Kalb wrote her life story – and the story of her family – in her own sassy, unique voice. It’s delightful and brought me to tears several times. I think it hit me especially hard because I also have a strong-willed Jewish grandmother from New York, but I would recommend it to anyone.
The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People by Rachel Wilkerson Miller (5 stars) I pre-ordered this on Kindle, but will also be getting a physical copy to have around for easier reference. This is a thoughtful and thorough guide to knowing, accepting, and supporting yourself and your loved ones. Perfect if you, like me, are thinking a lot lately about your relationships.
Open Book by Jessica Simpson (4 stars) I went into this with low expectations and really enjoyed it! Her sincerity is refreshing.
Listening
10 Things to Tell You episode 67 is a conversation about judging others during the pandemic. I almost skipped it because I’m so weary of that very topic, but it was a worthwhile and even encouraging listen.
Sydney Kramer was on Gee Thanks, Just Bought It. Worlds colliding! I went through a serious Crepes of Wrath phase around 2010, especially her chai cookie bars and s’mores cookie bars.
Watching
I’m halfway through Never Have I Ever. Love it! I can’t remember anything else we watched this month, besides Six Days Seven Nights (which I had never seen), and The Office, still (second rewatch of our 11-month marriage). Once Michael leaves, we’re switching to Parks and Rec. I have to say, both Ryan and Andy have been extra on my nerves this time… and ever since Taylor pointed out that most things Michael says could be Trump quotes, I’m alarmed by him in a new way.
At Home
May was a BUSY month at our house. First, we got a new wood fence to replace the old chain-link fence (which had entire “volunteer” trees embedded in it). This project was not high on my priority list, but I have to admit it looks great, feels more private and secure, and frames all our mature plants nicely. As soon as the fence was done, my dad built us a small shed so we could move some stuff from the greenhouse. Now we’re at step 3 of the greenhouse plan, fixing the broken glass.
Meanwhile, I painted my sunroom/office/closet. While I have nothing against yellow, I couldn’t live with it full-time, especially in a flat finish. (Every wall in our house flat – what were they thinking?? I try not to notice because matte paint makes me physically uncomfortable.) The room has high-profile stucco walls (it was probably exterior at some point), and all the trendy pale colors I tried made the stucco look even worse. It needed something to ground and distract from it. So I decided to go with the bold color I wanted in the first place, Behr Dragonfly. I love it! Later I realized that the teal shade in my new blog color scheme is very close to the paint color. I guess teal is my color of the year.
I’ve wanted a sunburst mirror all my life, and this month we got one for our entry area. We originally intended to find an antique, but it’ll be a long time before estate sales and such open back up, so Home Depot it is! (I got it 60% off!)
We spent Memorial Day weekend planting a decorative garden next to our gazebo. Having confirmed I couldn’t save the August Beauty gardenia that had been with me for ten years, we replaced it with not one, BUT TWO new gardenias – as well as lilies, begonias, coleus (a sleeper fave), different hostas from the others we have, and lemon drop torenia. We arranged everything around some caladiums that were already there, and put our wedding lemon tree in the center.
The lemon tree has (finally) sprouted tons of new leaves! I did actual praise hands when I saw this progress. Now I just have to keep these awful spider mites off them.
I grew some salad greens with an indoor garden kit my friend Stacy gave me. We put it in the basement for maximum convenience, but the greens ended up tasting a little… basement-y. Taking recommendations for good indoor garden kit locations!
Eating
I’m basically cooking my way through the Smitten Kitchen catalog. For Cinco de Mayo, I made a taco torte – I already had all the ingredients on hand. It was SO GOOD and is going into my regular rotation. Other hits: skillet ravioli with spinach (I used tortellini instead); chicken gyro salad; and strawberry rhubarb crisp bars.
As we move into summer, I’ve also rediscovered my favorite quinoa recipe. It’s healthy and can be ready in about 15 minutes!
Beauty
My no-name cleansing exfoliator face scraper thing died this month after two years of use. The non-Amazon replacements I found all ran about $100, so I decided to see how I did without it. This was the skincare equivalent of stopping your antidepressants because you feel better. Within a week, forehead bumps and other long-gone problems started reappearing. I quickly caved and ordered the closest thing I could find to my old $30 tool – which is already “page not found,” unbelievable. If you have more cash to spare, you can get a legit Dermapore at Ulta.
Wellness
My gym reopened two weeks ago. I decided to give it a try because they’re taking abundant precautions (like, really setting the bar for safe reopening), the elliptical area is isolated on its own floor, and I go early in the morning when no one was there anyway. I am now going several times a week and feeling better/more energetic. I forgot how important this type of repetitive cardio is for my mental health. So far, I’ve felt very safe. I will not be doing weights and touching a bunch of stuff, but this is working for me for now.
Meanwhile, I did not rejoin my Pilates studio when it reopened. It’s near my office 30 minutes away, and it was already tough to get a spot in any class besides the one specifically for my company. Plus the greater health concerns in a small space. I put my membership on hold for three months, but we’ll see. This might be a chapter in my life that has closed. In the meantime, I’m exploring other options for strength/weight training.
I have other thoughts on coronatide body image and wellness-adjacent stuff, but I’m saving them for another time.
Random Happiness
I went to Target! It was my first real shopping trip in over two months. I never knew an errand could bring so much freedom and joy.
We had some socially distanced pool time in Taylor’s brother’s yard for Memorial Day. My SIL made killer mimosas.
When we left the office, I thought we would be gone a few weeks at most. As time went by, I got more and more concerned about my plants. My whole team knew to water them for me if they were going up to the office. Finally, one of my co-workers dropped them off on my porch as a surprise. They’re recuperating nicely. I really work with the best people.
Your Monthly Rufus
After joking about it for a few weeks, we bought Rufus a pet stroller. HE LOVES IT. When not being walked around the neighborhood, he likes to nap in the stroller. It’s his birthday month – he’s turning 6 – so I consider this his best birthday present ever.
Rufus refuses to be shut out of my workspace. If he always sat on my lap this calmly, I would be happy to have him, but most of the time he comes in to be agitated and pace around on my keyboard.
He continues to find new places to lounge. Taylor set up a blanket for him by the living room window and it’s become his preferred napping spot.
Good Reads
Add a Comment + Posted in: what i'm into