Lately I’ve been asking myself why we Christians are so fixated on Lessons. How many times have we heard, in the midst of difficulty or hardship, that God’s trying to teach us something? Or that He’ll keep “refining” us until we’ve learned the lesson sufficiently? Now, I believe in milking hard situations for growth. At times I’ve prayed, “Don’t let me waste this” (though TBH, these days I’m more on the Really?!? end of the spectrum). But if I view life as a long series of lessons or a divine obstacle course that I have to keep repeating until I pass, I feel anxious and disconnected from God’s lovingkindness. I start blaming myself for my struggles and unmet needs, wondering if I’m a spiritual dunce who isn’t getting it, when really these things are sometimes part of being alive in a fallen world.
The lesson thing seems to be rooted in the idea of God as Father and therefore God as disciplinarian and guide. So why do parents discipline and teach their kids? For the kids’ own good, i.e. to help them become the fullest and healthiest version of themselves, but also (and maybe more so) to equip them to leave the nest eventually and be self-sufficient. God definitely “parents” us in the first way, especially when it comes to helping us cut habitual sin out of our lives. But I’ve realized that the second one doesn’t apply. The first kind of teaching is borne out of love and a desire to see the child at his or her best. The second kind can involve love too, but I think it’s borne more out of a (natural) desire to be free of responsibility for the child. God’s not looking for that. As one of my church’s pastors reminded us last week, God wants us to need Him. He delights in it. He’s not sighing at our ongoing messiness and neediness, wishing we would get it together already so He could go RV across the country in peace. He wants us to consciously depend on Him for everything. He looks at us primarily through the eyes of love, so everything He does is rooted in love.
When I keep this in mind, it changes my whole outlook. It means security. It means I’m God’s daughter, not His remedial student. When I default to God as a disciplinarian and teacher, it slowly sucks the joy out of my faith. Instead of resting in His love, I feel hopeless, like I’m trying to ace a test when I don’t even know the questions. But I don’t need to face each day distressed that I’m stuck in my circumstances until I get life right. I need to know I’m in the hands of a Father who loves me – who is using the frustrations in my life for my ultimate good, with no conditions on me, and won’t leave me to suffer pointlessly without relief. He will never get weary of me bringing my needs to Him. He is with me to the end.
3 Comments + Posted in: faith
Disunity in Christ: Uncovering the Hidden Forces That Keep Us Apart by Christena Cleveland (4.5 stars)
I read this for the Red Couch Book Club, although too slowly/late to participate in discussions (as usual). If you’re at all interested in creating real unity within and across the Church, this is a must-read. There is a LOT of academic social psychology in this book, but it’s tempered by Christena’s great wit and earthiness. I applaud her for addressing important truths that many Christians are too uncomfortable to talk about, and providing practical solutions.
Magnolia by Kristi Cook (4 stars)
An impulse buy/Kindle Daily Deal that I ended up reading in one sitting. Jemma and Ryder have grown up together, the perfectly-matched progeny of two Southern families desperate to unite in marriage. Unfortunately, for all of high school, they’ve hated each other. As Jemma secretly considers a future away from small-town Mississippi, family crises and a hurricane force her and Ryder to confront their past, and their feelings. This novel is set about an hour away from here, and I’m no country girl, but nothing seemed out of place to me. I liked it a lot. Would make a great ABC Family movie.
Guts: The Endless Follies and Tiny Triumphs of a Giant Disaster by Kristen Johnston (4 stars)
After I heard Kristen Johnston on Aisha Tyler’s Girl on Guy podcast, I decided to look up her memoir. Brought up in the public eye in a very proper family, Kristen is now brutally honest about the extent of her drug and alcohol addiction and what led her there. In 2007, she was hospitalized in London and nearly died after her stomach literally exploded. It took an infection and rehospitalization for her to realize she was killing herself and decide to change her life. She is insightful, funny, and has the special wisdom of someone who’s well acquainted with rock bottom. Guts is not for the faint of heart, but I couldn’t put it down.
These Broken Stars by Amie Kaufman and Meagan Spooner (4 stars)
When Lilac and Tarver meet aboard a luxury spaceship, they don’t expect their acquaintance to last long. Tarver is a decorated soldier and Lilac is the protected daughter of a powerful businessman. Then the ship crashes into a mysteriously abandoned planet, and they’re the only survivors. I see why people call this book “Titanic in space”, but it has some Firefly elements too. The characters and worldbuilding are solid.
Going Vintage by Lindsey Leavitt (5 stars)
After discovering her boyfriend’s secret online life and online wife, Mallory decides to ditch technology and build a new life around a to-do list that her accomplished grandma wrote in 1962: Join pep club. Sew a homecoming dress. Throw a soiree. Find a steady. With the help of her sister Ginnie, she pursues these goals while avoiding anything not 1962-authentic. In the process, she digs up shocking family secrets, finds love in unexpected places, and learns that life in any decade has its pitfalls. This story rang so true and made me happy. When deciding how to rate it, I asked myself, “Did I enjoy this as much as a Rainbow Rowell book?” I did. So, five stars.
Let the Sky Fall by Shannon Messenger* (3 stars)
Audra is a sylph, with power over the wind. For years she’s been in hiding, secretly watching over Vane, the orphaned heir of the lost Westerly line. When she accidentally reveals herself, she’s forced to tell Vane what he is and train him for the battle that’s now coming. I mainly picked this up because weather, but overall I’m a little weary of the whole secret-cosmic-powers storyline. I did like the genderswapping here, though.
This Song Will Save Your Life by Leila Sales* (4 stars)
Elise has always failed at everything she tries, and now she’s even failed at killing herself. In the aftermath, she takes to wandering the neighborhood at night and discovers an underground club, with friendly regulars who welcome her in no questions asked. Drawn in by the charismatic DJ, Char, she falls in love not with him, but with the music. This is a real, solid story of a girl coming into her own. Good stuff.
The Nesting Place: It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Beautiful by Myquillyn Smith (4 stars)
An enjoyable retrospective on The Nester’s 13 different homes and what each of them taught her, along with general philosophical thoughts about the concept of home. I haven’t kept up with her blog in a while, but I still love how warm and encouraging she is. This book was a good reminder to let myself think outside the box decor-wise and be willing to make some mistakes.
The Shelter of God’s Promises by Sheila Walsh (4 stars)
I love Sheila Walsh and am encouraged by everything she writes. This book focuses on God’s promises, each chapter focusing on a specific fear or concern. I read it slowly, usually right before bed so I’d have some quiet time to think about it. It’s a good one to have around for future reference.
Books for January/2015 year to date: 9
* = These two books were actually read in December, but got lost on Goodreads because I didn’t add a finish date. So I’m counting them now!
2 Comments + Posted in: book reviews
General Highlights:
January was eventful in some ways and uneventful in others. On a few days, the weather was decent enough to be outside and blow off a little cabin fever. I attended some Tigers games and the inaugural meeting of a new single women’s group. Some friends and I had an Italian wine-tasting night and decided to dress as Mob Wives, complete with furs. By the end of the night we were having a Beyoncé dance party in the dining room. It was awesome.
My biggest January news is that I’m going to be a contributing writer to the new Memphis Type History blog! To start, I’ll mostly be focusing on personal stories of historic Memphis places and events. If you’re an older Memphian with a story to share, please contact me! I think the ladies of MTH have hit on a great idea that people will be interested in. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this for a long time and am very excited.
Reading:
My three favorite books in January were very, uh, diverse. Nesting Place was a great choice for my first read of 2015 – I haven’t read her blog in a while, but I feel re-inspired to try new things in my new home once I move. (I already painted some candlesticks and might even stain my coffee table!) Going Vintage is an enjoyable YA novel about a girl who ditches technology after her boyfriend turns out to have a cyber-wife. And Guts, actress Kristen Johnston’s memoir of addiction and near-death, grabbed me from start to finish.
(Joey graphic by Irdion)
Watching:
I’m elated that people are talking about Friends again now that it’s on Netflix! I have Amazon Prime, but I own all the DVDs and have been rewatching Season 3 this month – one of my lesser-watched seasons, mainly because the Ross/Rachel breakup is so painfully real. (I got through the episode this time by watching the version with commentary.) On this go-round I’m kind of relating to Season 3 Monica. Minus dating a millionaire, obvs.
I made it to TWO movies this month: Selma (amazing) and Night at the Museum 3 (just okay, but the ending with Robin Williams was moving). At home, I finally rented Gone Girl and also watched the documentary Girl Rising with some friends.
Music:
When I heard Sia’s “Elastic Heart” for the first time this month, I was instantly obsessed. I’m also really digging Alt-J lately – and The Decemberists, to my chagrin, because I’m apparently transforming into a hipster against my will. At least it’s balanced by my love of Fall Out Boy’s new American Beauty/American Psycho. I wasn’t even sick of their last album yet, and now I spend all my running sessions chanting “I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS I CAN WORK A MIRACLE WORK A MIRACLE OH OH.”
PS: I think Maddie Ziegler is one of the greatest dancers alive right now. She’s 12 years old.
Video:
Serial: The Rom-Com.
Around Town:
My dad and I are VERY into the newest restaurant on Overton Square, Belly Acres. He took the whole family there shortly after it opened, and we’ve both been talking it up ever since. I’ve already been back several times and even chose it for a monthly supper club I’m part of – it was my turn to “host.” I think it was a hit!
Alanna, Allie, and I tried the new Maui Brick Oven in Germantown. The only other location of this gluten-free pizza place is actually in Hawaii, so I’m very curious what the story is there.
At Home:
I’m getting ready to list my house for sale (!!!) and will most likely be downsizing, so home life lately has been ALL about cleaning, purging, and reorganization. It feels great, and since I’m already pretty organized, it’s not too daunting a task. My only frustration is getting no takers for things I’m trying to sell. I never seem to be able to make money from things I own – I end up taking it all to Goodwill.
Cooking:
My brother shot an elk on Thanksgiving Day, in addition to a few deer, so my family has more meat in our freezers than we know what to do with. One night I made a stew of ground Italian-style venison sausage, kale, and cannelini beans, and it was so delicious I happily ate the leftovers for the rest of the week. Normally, I don’t even like beans.
Wearing:
On the whole, it hasn’t been the coldest January ever, but warmth is still the name of my game. I’ve been living in my fleece-lined leggings and my hand-crocheted headband from the Uncharted International Loom Shop. On another note, I scored a pair of Joe’s Jeans in Honey fit at Plato’s Closet, and apparently they’re my Holy Grail of jeans. I’ll start looking for more secondhand, since they cost around $100 off the rack.
Products:
Little Things Studio‘s typography prints are fantastic. I bought several prints and a hymns calendar before cutting myself off.
Beauty:
The dry air is killing me this winter – I had to get a humidifier and go hardcore with some Shea Moisture raw shea butter lotion. After searching Pinterest for winter hair help, I also did a honey and olive oil mask on my hair, with great results. It’s probably time for another one.
Random Happiness:
Older but still relevant news: a while back, my vet suggested switching my cat Peach from a liquid prednisone to a gel. (She needs daily prednisone to keep her IBS under control.) Instead of trying to force medicine into her mouth and getting it all over myself and my home, I now rub this gel onto the inside of her ear. It takes seconds, she doesn’t fight it, and she’s getting her full daily dose consistently for the first time ever. Result: a much happier, healthier cat and no more lashing-out accidents for me to clean up. The gel is more expensive and I have to go to a special pharmacy to get it, but I don’t even care. Our mutual quality of life has improved a hundredfold. God bless modern medicine.
I’m still loving my new church and feel so thankful to be there. This month I started helping with coffee hour before the Sunday service. My guard is still up about taking on more commitments or even continuing the ones I have, but I do want to pitch in as a new member, and this is something tangible I can do that doesn’t require much extra effort. It’s also a great way to meet people. Plus, coffee.
Scripture:
Isaiah 58:11 is my verse for 2015. I’d been keeping an eye out for Enough-themed verses, but I wasn’t looking for this one. It chose me.
Quote of the Month:
My SIPster Esther shared this with me, and Be The Answer instantly became one of my new mantras. Life-changing.
On The Blog:
It was a quality-over-quantity blogging month. I talked about my One Word choice for 2015, burnout, and friendship, and announced my decision to sell my house in the burbs and move into the city! I also shared about the holidays with my family.
Posts I Loved:
♥ My friend Lindsey is killing it with her What’s In A Woman series, which starts here.
♥ My parish leader Tyler has good insights on New Year’s Resolutions and Why The Old Ones Won’t Work.
♥ Abby at Accidental Devotional: Feelings Need Felt and Not Fixed
♥ Kate Conner: The Things We Take Off at the Front Door
♥ Common themes: Elizabeth Klein on Post-Traumatic Relationship Disorder; Kim Shipley on Relationship Struggles; Paul Heggie on Overcorrecting the Heart. I can relate to all.
♥ Mortal Instruments author Cassandra Clare weighs in on different types of love in response to a reader question.
♥ Amy at The Messy Middle reflects beautifully on her last week with her dad a year ago: This Is Our Passion Week.
8 Comments + Posted in: what i'm into
Two people isn’t enough. You need backup. If you’re only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you’re on your own. Two isn’t a large enough number. You need three at least.
– Nick Hornby, About a Boy
Like most introverts, I need regular one-on-one time with my close friends, but I’ve always liked the warmth of a group of friends just as much. Maybe it started in high school, when after several years as a relative outcast, I was absorbed into the big, loud family of marching band. (A good marching band, as any veteran can tell you, is a little bit like the Mafia. We may have issues amongst ourselves, but beware any outsider who crosses one of our own.) In college, I connected with a big social group right away and later transitioned to another, with my two best friends/roommates as constants. These days, I find myself at the center of a huge Venn diagram of diverse friend groups. I’ve kept most of my nearest and dearest from younger days, and added more circles over time: old and new church friends, yoga and music friends, Scary Internet Friends near and far.
People often tell me I’m lucky to have so many friends. That’s a fact that I try not to take for granted. But when you’re single, with no guaranteed companionship, a large home team equals security. To me, it’s a necessity. I’m loved much more widely and deeply than I deserve, but trust me, I need every drop of it. Friendship is crucial regardless of your relationship status, but I know I wasn’t built for the single life, and I’ll always be aware of the empty space where a life partner should be. I’m convinced – and thankful – that God’s provided this abundance of friends because it truly takes a village to fill the gap. Some days, all of that love and support is the only thing keeping me going.
Here are some reasons why I need a village, and ways in which my village helps me daily. These things could apply to any friendships, but I think they’re especially important for single people.
♥ Availability. When I’m looking for someone to hang out or to go to an event with me, I frequently have to ask at least three people before someone says yes (and obviously the field is narrowed by whatever the event is). Sometimes I still have to go alone. People are busy. It’s frustrating. Aside: coupled friends, your single friends understand that your social time is more limited. When we ask you to do things, we’re not trying to rob your boo of your presence, and we will understand if you need to say no. But we’ll keep asking, because we want to see you. Also, we don’t mind hanging out with both of you sometimes (provided you don’t act sickeningly coupley). In my case, I’m low on male friends, so I enjoy being around my girlfriends’ husbands and boyfriends. Some are thrown off by my inability to provide another man for them to talk to, but most are cool with the fact that I’m cool with being a third wheel.
♥ Diversity. Different friends play different roles in my life. The people I can depend on for a good time aren’t always the ones I can call when I’m upset about something. Some friends can provide an understanding ear on one topic but not others. Some will comfort you, others will give you tough love. Some will get you out the door, others will help you settle down. When you don’t have a go-to person for the ups and downs of life, you need a lot of specialists. (Though I don’t think it’s ever healthy to depend on one person for all your relational needs.)
♥ Intimacy. No, not that kind. The downside of casting my friendship net far and wide is that I sometimes feel alone in a crowd, which is even worse than feeling alone alone. I think, These people care about me to some degree, but do they really know me at all? Do they even want to? Friendships can feel unbalanced if you only share the very lighthearted or the very serious. You need something in the middle, too. I’ve recently realized that sharing random life minutiae with people makes me all warm inside, and I think this is why. I feel loved and happy when friends text me pictures of their tickets to see a band or team we both like, or a bizarre item they saw at Target that would amuse me, or call to tell me their kid just did something hilarious, or they just saw a hawk swoop across the road with a live squirrel in its talons (true story). Of course sharing the Deep Stuff is necessary to build true intimacy, but I think little details like these are really underrated for creating bonds. They mean someone thought of you and wanted to invite you into a part of their daily life that they knew you’d appreciate.
♥ Change. People change and lives change, and that’s as it should be. Even lifelong friends go through times when they’re less close or just can’t be what the other person needs. Having a village means other friends are always there to help fill a gap or ease a sense of loss.
Do you need a village too, or do you prefer to keep your circle small? What pros and cons have you experienced? Sometimes having a lot of friends can be a little exhausting, but on the whole, I wouldn’t trade it.
This post is part of a friendship synchroblog at Little Did She Know. Lots of great takes on the topic over there!
1 Comment + Posted in: friends, relationships, singleness
In 2010, after my marriage ended, most people were surprised that I wanted to stay in the suburban house I’d bought with my ex-husband. We’d lived there together for four years, but the thing was, the house was mostly mine anyway. I was the one who’d spent collective months painting trim, doors, and walls, tending the lawn, and planting perennials. Most of my time there was already spent alone. At a time when so much had been taken from me without my consent, I refused to let anyone take away my home too, when I was in a position to keep it. Memories or no memories.
Over the last few years, my house has been my refuge. For a while I called it “The Cloister” because I wanted it to be a place of peace and contemplation for all. (It was also a nod to my unintentionally nunlike existence, though men were always welcome at The Cloister.) My family and I fixed up the house to within an inch of its life. My dad and I spent an entire weekend repainting the exterior. My brother remodeled my bathroom. I had new flooring installed. I’ve replaced almost every major appliance (and, in a freak occurrence, the garage door. Whose garage door collapses for no reason?!?). After years of trial and error, my raised-bed garden is seasoned and settled. My house is totally me, and perfect. My house is done.
Last summer, I noticed I wasn’t really feeling it anymore. I used to love taking a turn around my yard and garden right after work, checking on my plants and generally surveying my domain. I used to feel so happy and satisfied being home and enjoying my solitude. But suddenly, it didn’t have the same thrill. I was itchy for company and excitement. I wanted to be part of something. And everything was happening in town, half an hour away. It had always been kind of a challenge to get friends out to my house, and that bothered me more than before. I felt frustrated in ways I couldn’t explain, even to myself.
At the beginning of last August, I had a massive cusp-of-35 meltdown. I came home late one night to find my cat mysteriously sick, the first sign of the cancer that would take him six weeks later (though my only knowledge then was a vague sense of impending doom), and I fell apart. My dad (Best Dad Ever) came over at 11 pm to make sure I was okay. We sat together on the couch and I sobbed out everything that had been weighing on me. I felt like I had nothing to show for 35 years of life, like I’d wasted my entire adulthood up to this point. I felt like I’d spent the years since the divorce, especially, on a hamster wheel. Other people my age were advancing in their careers, advancing in their relationships, doing big things, and I was still going nowhere without a map. I’d spent so many years quietly unhappy in my circumstances, waiting for divine intervention or direction that everyone had promised would come, and that passivity now looked like a tragic waste. I couldn’t stand idly by anymore. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but I knew I wanted something more. Something different. Some action.
“Brens, you’re the boss of your own life. Anything you want to do, you can do it,” Pops answered when I was done talking. “We can do it. This…” he waved his hand to indicate my beautiful home we’d labored over for years “…This is all just stuff.”
It started there, and almost six months later, I’m preparing to to list my beautiful suburban house and move to Midtown Memphis, into the heart of the city. I feel a degree of certainty about this move that I’ve felt about very few things in my life. I’m not even very concerned about the logistics, because I am that sure this is what God means for me to do, and He’s going to work it all out. That kind of trust is so hard for me to come by, I have to believe there’s something to it. Financially, and in some senses practically, this move makes no sense. I’m planning to rent in Midtown (what I’ll be renting is TBD), i.e. exchanging a responsible mortgage for Throwing My Money Away. I’ve taken some crap for deciding not to rent out my house and be a landlord for the next 30 years, therefore Losing My Only Asset. I’ll have higher bills for (most likely) a smaller living space, because Midtown is Expensive and Unsafe.
But I believe there are times in life to put your happiness and quality of life above practical concerns. Right now I commute back and forth from various parts of the city about ten times a week (work, church and social activities, basketball games), and I am exhausted. I’ve hit my limit of eating meals and doing wardrobe changes in my car, or deciding whether it’s worth it to drive home just to be there for half an hour before turning around and coming back. Over time, the driving has been a huge contributor to my burnout. Moving will set me free. One morning last month as I drove into work, I realized, I have a finite number of times left to do this, and such a huge weight lifted off me that I almost cried. I read recently that getting rid of your commute is the happiness equivalent of a $40,000 annual raise. I’m looking forward to experiencing this.
More importantly, I can’t wait to be where the action is. I can’t wait to casually hang out at the cool places I have to plan to go to now, to be able to stop by fun events and go home whenever I want. I’ve been thinking a lot about why single people traditionally live in the city and families traditionally live in the suburbs, and I think I finally understand. It’s about more than just perceived safety and access to clean grocery stores and good schools. The thing is, marriage and family naturally turn you inward. You want to create a safe haven that will nurture your relationships, a hub from which you can go out into the world and to which you can return to each other at the end of the day. The suburbs are great for that. But singleness turns you outward, especially when you live alone. You still need and deserve a restorative home for yourself, but there are no relationships there (other than with pets). Home is less of a hub and more of a charging station. To find human connection, you have to go out. And the city is great for that.
I think for many years, I was subconsciously hanging on to a little piece of my old married identity. I didn’t want to stray too far, because surely I would be “back on track” eventually. Well, not only have I cut the track, I’m tearing it up with a pickax. I’m ready to fully inhabit who and what I am and what I need now, regardless of my past or my future, regardless if it’s what someone my age “should” be doing. I am done living on shoulds and somedays. If this is what giving up looks like, count me in.
At the urging of some friends, I’ll be writing about this transition as it happens. I’m excited about this new chapter of my life and glad to have you guys along for the ride!
15 Comments + Posted in: announcement, family, moving, singleness