A couple of months ago, I thought I was depressed. I was living under a soul-deep exhaustion I hadn’t felt in years, the kind where an unbidden I am so tired echoes in your brain constantly. I’d experienced a lot of changes in a short time without a real chance to process them. I’d been busy every night and getting home at 9 pm for what seemed like forever. Every day I woke up thinking, What do I have to do today?, and every day I felt a little more defeated by the answer. In my few hours at home, I’d make a chore list, then flop onto my bed and stare at my phone for an hour. I cried a lot, sometimes for no real reason. My near future blurred into an endless stretch of full planner pages that suddenly felt more like a prison than evidence of a happily active life. After years of constant busy-ness, my tank was finally empty and I knew it. I had no reserves left to draw from and nothing left to give anybody. I wanted to sleep for a week while someone cleaned my house for me and brought me food. I even lacked the energy to feel ashamed that I felt this way with only myself to take care of, on a hamster wheel mostly of my own making. When the harried wife and mother in my head started in, Let me tell you what REAL exhaustion is, I waved her away with a Yeah, whatever.
I thought I was depressed. I’d get better. No big deal.
A couple of weeks into this, the head pastor at my new church announced that he was taking a sabbatical. No crises or scandals, he assured us. He and the elders had just agreed that he was burned out and needed a rest. He read a list of signs of ministry burnout, and even though I’m not a professional minister, I had every single one. I don’t have his exact list, but here are some signs of burnout I’ve drawn from various sources:
– Decreased motivation and productivity
– Increased cynicism/despair/hopelessness about your life, future, and potential impact on the world
– Reduced sense of personal accomplishment
– Reduced ability to deal with stress
– Feeling disconnected and withdrawn from, and easily irritated by, others, including your loved ones and even God
– Oversensitivity to negative comments and/or people not liking you
– Assuring everyone (including yourself) that you will slow down “soon”
– And the checkmate, for me: Sleep and time off no longer refuel you. I’d been trying to relax whenever I could for a few weeks, but it wasn’t helping at all. I’d actually just told a friend that I felt like it would take a month holed up at home to even start feeling rested.
I knew then that I wasn’t depressed in a typical sense. I was burned out. Turns out, burnout is a very real thing and it can take A YEAR or more to fully recover. (It’s kind of like losing pregnancy weight, I guess. You didn’t get there overnight; you’re not going to get back overnight.)
When I shared my revelation with friends, they agreed and firmly encouraged me to take a sabbatical too. Unfortunately, rest for rest’s sake is not a thing in corporate America, so I couldn’t take a real break from work. But I’ve stepped back and de-structured in other areas. I’ve been doing this crazy thing where if I don’t feel like doing something, and it’s not urgent or important, I just don’t do it. I’ve never reached this point before, so this is my first genuine proof that if I’m not always at the top of my game and don’t do everything asked of me, the world keeps turning and nobody dies. I don’t plan to live this way forever (she assures everyone hurriedly), but I’m not going back to the old way either. This is a reassessment of my lifestyle and of what I can reasonably expect of myself. I’ve heard about the Spoon Theory from friends dealing with various conditions. Well, I think I’ve always allotted myself a freaking drawer full of spoons instead of an average amount for one person, and judged myself accordingly.
This week has been my busiest since I scaled back. The holidays are really over, everything is cranking up again, and it’s getting tougher to maintain the balance. I was out late-ish after work three nights in a row – things I wanted to do, but each night I hit a wall early and collapsed into bed as soon as I got home. Dejected, I told Alanna, “My tolerance for activity is really down. I wonder if I always felt this way and wasn’t paying attention.” She replied, “Not necessarily. Your body may be saying, I’ve had it and these are the new rules.”
These are the new rules.
– I don’t have to say yes to everything. I can sometimes say no, and no is a complete sentence. People will understand and will not instantly dismiss me as selfish or boring. If they do, I probably don’t need them in my life.
– I don’t have to be 100% dedicated to every group or organization I’m involved with. It’s okay to miss some meetings or band practices. They will be fine without me. If they disapprove of my “inconsistency,” maybe quitting entirely would do us both a favor.
– I don’t have to keep a perfectly spotless, perfectly orderly home. I used to believe I had no excuse because it’s only me in the house. Now I’m like, it’s only me in the house, and it’s okay if you can tell someone lives there. Also, I need to be there enough to make home more than just the place where I sleep and feed my cat.
– I don’t have to accomplish All The Things every single day. Life is not all or nothing. It’s okay to do things in stages. The end result is the same – it just takes longer.
– I don’t have to post on this blog a certain number of times per week. Lower page views are not the boss of me. I will write when I have something to say.
– If I’m exhausted when I get into bed at night, for goodness’ sake, I can go right to sleep. That book and the latest Jimmy Fallon lip-sync battle will still be there tomorrow.
The good news is, I’m beginning to feel better. I’m thinking more clearly, feeling less overwhelmed, and looking forward to things again. In the past, I’d respond to this slight improvement by jumping back into everything full throttle. This time, I know that would put me back at square one or worse. This is a struggling candle flame, and I plan to tend it very carefully here in the dead of winter.
10 Comments + Posted in: health, life lately, one word 365
Is it too late to post about the holidays? Well, too bad if it is, I’m doing it anyway. #rebel
My holidays were wonderful. Miraculously, I was able to take time off from Christmas Eve to January 2. My brother and I had a nice long visit, since he arrived on Christmas Adam and stayed for the duration, but my sister, BIL, and nieces didn’t arrive till the 29th, at which point we officially had Christmas all together. My days settled into a comfortable pattern. I’d get up around 8:00, make coffee, write and compute for an hour or two, then head over to my parents’ and be with my family the rest of the day. Normally when I’m off work for that long, I’m all about maximizing the time and Getting Things Done. This time, I didn’t even try. I didn’t have to make a lot of decisions or worry about anything, and it was just what my worn-out self needed. After just a few days, I felt like I could think clearly for the first time in a long time.
Everyone enjoyed Christmas dinner.
Fifoo had so many gifts to unwrap, she changed outfits three times during the process and had to be cajoled to finish opening presents. She just wanted to play with her new play-kitchen stand mixer (not pictured), which was of course the first thing she opened.
I LOVED my gifts from Debra and Lance – a Gryffindor Quidditch Captain T-shirt (yes I’m holding a broom) and a very true tote bag.
Kevin saw this print on my Etsy favorites list and decoupaged it onto some wood planks. He also made a really cool cross for my mom out of reclaimed wood and thin rebar. So creative!!
A Very Tennessee Christmas: in our eternal preparedness for the zombie apocalypse and/or Red Dawn, we all received ammo and went to the range together one afternoon to keep our shooting sharp. “They messed with the wrong family,” INDEED.
Fifoo got a little quality time with Peach.
We all went to Zoo Lights – I’d never been – and had a great time despite temperatures in the 20s.
me and my favorite shadow
And of course there was down time with the nieces! Fifoo is two and a half and Baby E is three months. It’s a fun time.
For New Year’s Eve, I broke away from the fam and Went Out for the first time in I can’t remember how long. I went to a party at the Madison Hotel with a group of friends. It was less swanky than advertised and I probably wouldn’t pay that much to go again, but we still danced and had fun, and I was happy to do something different!
More importantly, after midnight we snuck up to the Madison rooftop – my favorite view in Memphis. Up there, the freezing cold actually felt refreshing. It was a great way to start a new year, one that I hope will be REALLY new and different in exciting ways from the ones before. Here’s to a happy 2015 for all of us!
2 Comments + Posted in: celebrate, family, life lately
Two years ago, I stopped attempting to do New Year’s resolutions and hopped on the One Word 365 train. The idea is that you choose one word to guide you throughout the year, and however that plays out in your life is up to you. For me, it starts with paying attention. I keep my eyes open for the concept in conversations, books, music, movies, the Bible, things that happen to me or my friends. I pin stuff and write myself notes. I look for whatever the word is trying to teach me.
My 2013 word was Focus. It was a concept I needed at the time, but I never got very enthusiastic about it. Last year was a totally different story. I felt strongly about my 2014 word, Alive, and there’s no doubt that applying and exploring it changed my life. It was a rich, exciting, mostly fun word. I was sorry to see it go. Even so, I already knew my 2015 word. It started jumping out at me as far back as last summer, and it feels as right and timely as Alive did.
Enough:
– As much as is necessary or wanted; in the amount or to the degree needed; sufficient; satisfying.
I am convinced that believing I am enough is crucial for a healthy, peaceful, and impactful life. I’m unhappiest and most self-centered when I feel hopelessly not enough, and sometimes those thoughts beat down on me like a hailstorm. I want to get back to a place of solid, consistent assurance that I am enough, in Christ and in who I was made to be, even when people who matter to me don’t agree and it hurts.
I also want to feel more assured that I have enough for each day. Living from a perspective of scarcity will make you crazy (even though in some cases scarcity is a fact – I still don’t know what to do with this). Big-picture thinking will make you crazy. No, I am not okay with lacking certain things for the rest of my life, but I’m not responsible for the rest of my life right now. It’s time to renew my contentment with the right now. The daily bread. The abundance that’s right in front of me.
(This section brought to you by my guru, Dr. Brene Brown.)
– Something you say when you want something to stop, or to indicate that you understand and there is no need to say any more.
It has come to my attention that I am seriously burned out. I’ve been going nonstop and not building any whitespace into my life for, well, ever, and my entire being is letting me know it has had enough. The insanity has to stop. The holiday break from everything has helped, but it’s going to take more than two or three weeks to get me to 100%. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen 100%. I have to learn how to live fully while also giving myself room to breathe, and how to say no more often. And if I really believe I am enough (definition 1), I’ll feel less pressure to perform, work at being exciting and sparkly, or be The Dependable One in every one of my many involvements. Different strategies won’t fix it – I’ve tried that a million times. I have to be different. I’ve actually made progress with this over the years, and realize it’s a lifelong battle, but a significant shift needs to take place this year.
I’ve also had enough of being stuck in important areas of my life. My patience as I know it has run out. Once I’m revived enough to act instead of react, maybe I’ll know how to get unstuck.
All this might appear selfish and self-centered, but it’s not. I want to help people, love well, and be a positive influence, and I can’t do it if I’m feeling insecure and running myself into the ground. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others, etc.
This won’t be an easy word, but I feel excited and hopeful about it. I also chose a verse for the year, or I should say it chose me (I wasn’t looking for it):
I’ll be writing about my Enough journey throughout the year, and I already have some thoughts. Get ready! And if you’ve chosen a word too, tell me about it.
(PS: You better believe I already have an Enough Pinterest board!)
24 Comments + Posted in: one word 365
I’m skipping What I’m Into this month in favor of Emily Freeman’s What We Learned in 2014 linkup. Happy New Year’s Eve!
What I Learned in 2014:
♥ Ask for what you want. Sometimes the only reason you don’t have what you want is because you haven’t asked. People aren’t mind readers and can’t help or accommodate you if they don’t know you need it. If the answer is no, you’re no worse off than you were before, and you’re that much braver.
♥ Be your own damn knight. Don’t go into everything guns blazing, but don’t wait quietly and endlessly for someone else to rescue you. You are worthy and able to rescue yourself.
♥ “Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage.” – Matt Damon, We Bought a Zoo. And with every 20 seconds, it gets easier to start.
♥ Real love, or even the real possibility of it, conquers all. Practical obstacles, personality differences, and your established mental picture of the kind of person you want to be with ultimately mean nothing when you find someone your soul recognizes. If that stuff holds you back or gets in the way, it’s not the right person. Bottom line.
♥ Avoiding mistakes is not the goal of life. If you make every single decision based on how safe or wise it is, you’re going to miss out on a lot. I believe there is such a thing as responsible recklessness and it is my current life practice. I’ve lost my fear of getting to the finish line with a few bumps and bruises. In fact, I think it makes God smile, like a parent smiles on a kid who comes in a little roughed up from a day of play. It’s not a sign of failure. If God intended us to get everywhere in a smooth, straight line, He wouldn’t lead us down so many meandering roads. He uses the side roads and the chances we take to shape us into the people we’re supposed to be. Warning: when you start living this way, some people won’t like it, and they will let you know. Let it go.
♥ No one has life figured out. The people you envy and/or look up to, who appear to be clicking right along on successful ten-year plans, are flying by the seat of their pants as much as you are. If you ask, some of them will tell you about it. Truly believing this will be a process for me, but I’ve finally seen enough evidence to start.
♥ There is a time to be the change you want to see, and a time to accept that you can’t be that change all alone. It’s a fine but crucial line.
♥ Love is my superpower. This year I took a StrengthsFinder test. Out of 34 possibilities, my primary strength is Empathy. Deep down, a secret part of me still hoped I had some cool, marketable natural ability I hadn’t tapped into yet. That little hope died when I read the test results. It was my true last call that I am not an impressive wielder of Air, Water, or Earth. I am the Heart kid. But Heart is the glue. Without him, the other powers would be mostly bluster.
I’m trying to stop being ashamed of or apologizing for my capability to love hard (and hide it poorly), over-relate and get over-attached, and see past people’s mistakes to who they really are and meet them there. It’s embarrassing and messy in a world of hipster indifference. It’s easily misunderstood. It can’t get me a job, it probably scares off a lot of men, and it usually ends up hurting me way more than it helps me. But it is my gift, and the world needs it.
What did you learn in 2014?
5 Comments + Posted in: reflections, year end
Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened by Allie Brosh (3.5 stars)
A graphic memoir mostly taken from Brosh’s Hyperbole and Half blog, including hilarious classics like “Dogs Don’t Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving” and her very honest two-part post about depression. (My personal favorite, “Sneaky Hate Spiral,” didn’t make it into the book.)
Someday, Someday, Maybe by Lauren Graham (4 stars)
Franny is a struggling young actress in NYC in the 1990s. With only six months left until her self-imposed deadline to make it big, she’s under a lot of pressure, but all her hopeful career turns are dead ends. Among her assets: a rogue sense of humor, a dayplanner given to her by her loving dad, and two roommates, best friend Jane and sci-fi writer Dan. I really enjoyed this – and love that Franny has curly hair. Styling this mess in the 90s was NOT EASY.
The Land Between: Finding God in Difficult Transitions by Jeff Manion (4.5 stars)
Jeff Manion is a pastor who’s been through a lot in both his career and his personal life. Using the Israelites’ wandering in the desert as a framework, he writes frankly and encouragingly about long desert periods in our lives, and the difference between “grumbling” against God and honestly bringing our grief and frustration to Him, while maintaining that he hasn’t mastered any of this himself. I didn’t expect to get so much out of this book, but it helped me tremendously. Highly recommended for anyone losing hope or feeling overwhelmed.
Since You’ve Been Gone by Morgan Matson (4.5 stars)
For several years, quiet Emily has been happy to cruise in the shadow of her free-spirited best friend, Sloane. Then Sloane suddenly disappears, leaving her with nothing but a list of daring tasks to complete over the summer. As Emily works her way down the list, a fun new life starts to unfold… but where did her best friend go?
All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven (4.5 stars)
I reviewed this here.
Thrashing About with God: Finding Faith on the Other Side of Everything by Mandy Steward (5 stars)
This book has been sitting in the to-read pile next to my bed for at least a year, and I’m glad, because it was meant for me right now. In these reflective essays (many taken from her blog, which I haven’t yet read), Mandy discusses her faith burnout after a lifetime in the Church. In a sense, she tore down the scaffolding of her relationship with God and started over from scratch – terrified, but trusting that God’s love was big enough to hold her as she found a new way. While I’m not in exactly the same place she was, we’re on the same page about a lot of things (especially the grace to “let” everyone have a different path), and her words validated things I’ve learned. I seriously stopped highlighting in the third chapter because I was highlighting everything. If you have a “Wholehearted library” of sorts like I do, this is a worthy addition.
Books for December: 6
2014 FINAL TOTAL: 75!!! I didn’t really set a goal, but 75 is a respectable number. Yay!
Add a Comment + Posted in: book reviews