Let’s take a moment right at the top to appreciate the fall colors:

Events

Thanksgiving was… not one of my better ones. We were hosting both sets of parents and Taylor’s brother’s family of five. I ordered a turkey from Fresh Market, planned to make several sides, and everyone was bringing something. I finished work early and got a lot of prep and cleaning done on Wednesday afternoon. Good thing, because I got food poisoning on Wednesday night. On Thanksgiving morning I was completely miserable and could barely stand up. We ended up having just our parents over for dinner, with a more limited menu but now way too much food, none of which I could eat. They took care of all the cleanup so I could rest. I have now (mostly) recovered and am enjoying leftovers, but the whole experience was depressing. Not what I wanted for C3’s first Thanksgiving. Hoping Christmas is much better.

This month we celebrated a semi-milestone birthday for Taylor with a small family party. I also surprised him with a night out with friends – the first time C3 was watched by a babysitter and not one of his grandparents! We had dinner at Old Venice and then went to a new local ice cream place, Sugar Ghost.

My friend Vada, who did a reading at my wedding, moved away this month. She and her husband are going to Maine! I’ll miss her but am really excited for her in this new chapter.

I successfully renewed my CP license! I had to complete 50 hours of legal education over the 5 years (can’t believe it’s already been that long), which doesn’t sound like that much, but takes some doing. I will happily do it though because I don’t want to take that test again. Ever.

C3 is almost six months old and getting so big. He can now play Super Baby and peek-a-boo, and is starting solids. I gave him his first little hair trim last weekend because he had a bad mullet situation going on. The trim made a surprising difference!

Reading

In the Unlikely Event by Judy Blume (3 stars) A novel for adults based on a true story of THREE consecutive plane crashes in Elizabeth, New Jersey in the 1950s.

Tell Me More: Stories about the 12 Hardest Things I’m Learning to Say by Kelly Corrigan (3 stars) Memoir about saying the important things to the people you love.

Recursion by Blake Crouch (4.25 stars) Total sci-fi mindbender that I couldn’t put down.

People We Meet on Vacation by Emily Henry (4.5 stars) I didn’t know until later that this was specifically written as a When Harry Met Sally homage, but I spotted the parallels from the jump. Since WHMS is one of my all-time favorite movies, I absolutely loved it. Emily Henry is becoming one of my must-read authors.

The Art of Ramona Quimby: Sixty-Five Years of Illustrations from Beverly Cleary’s Beloved Books by Anna Katz (4 stars) Lots of nostalgic fun if you grew up loving Ramona.

To Be a Man: Stories by Nicole Krauss (3 stars) A lot of these stories are set in Israel, which is interesting. Otherwise I was meh on most of it.

The Dreamers by Karen Thompson Walker (4 stars) A novel a little too close to reality, about a sleeping sickness that takes over a California college town.

Undeniably Yours by Heather Webber (3.5 stars) The last installment of the Lucy Valentine series.

Listening

Weeping over this song daily, it’s fine.

Watching

American Crime Story: Impeachment – What amazing performances, and what a raw deal Monica got.

The Morning Show season 2, completed – I had a lot of thoughts!!

I have one episode left of Years and Years, a BBC drama on HBO Max. It took me a little bit to figure out what the tone was, but it’s basically This Is Us in an apocalypse. Squarely in the Brenda Crack category.

Travel

The day after Thanksgiving, we dragged ourselves to Alabama for the first birthday party of my youngest niece! She and C3 are almost exactly six months apart. Her party had a rainbow theme. We stayed until Sunday morning and the cousins enjoyed some time together.

Around Town

Big milestone: C3 attended his first Tigers basketball game in November! We took him to an early-evening Saturday game. We left at halftime, but he did great and seemed happy and engaged. He was checking everything out. I realized it was the most people he’d ever seen in his life. Ah, these pandemic kids.

My mom and I were happy to resume our annual tradition of seeing Nut Remix, a Memphis-set dance fusion take on the Nutcracker. I’ve seen it many times, but I think this year’s performance was the best yet!

My MIL was Grizzlies MVP of the Game at a game this month. She got to stand courtside for the starting lineups and be on the jumbotron. Pretty cool.

I went to a private beer tasting at Ghost River with a few good friends. It was SO nice, and refreshing, and weird to be out on my own socially in a public place. Later that week, I also attended a birthday party for one of the same friends. I need more of this in my life!

I decided C3 needed more Dr. Seuss books, so one Sunday afternoon we walked up to the neighborhood bookstore to get a few. It was the first of I hope many visits together!

At Home

I got Taylor this toaster oven/air fryer for his birthday (I was excited about it for myself too). I’ve never had a toaster oven before and am LOVING the ways it elevates everyday foods. Plus, it’s blue!

The Williams-Sonoma outlet near us had a bunch of autumn owl stuff on clearance, and I couldn’t say no to this gorgeous serving/display bowl. I’m going to use it year-round! Owls are for every day!

As I mentioned in my One Day HH post, we had this magnolia tree cut down in November. It was not long for this world. The “after” is too depressing for a picture, as the area looks pretty bad right now, but next year it’ll become a nice yard area for C3 to play. The backyard is already getting a lot more sun too (important since we live under a canopy of old oaks). We also had the oaks trimmed and balanced, something we’ve been needing to do since we moved in.

Beauty

I continue to try new things with my hair routine. The goal is not to have to “do” my hair all over again every morning. I watch a lot of curly hair TikToks for ideas. I impulse-bought the LUS curls combo pack of shampoo, conditioner, and styler (thanks for the code Joelle!), but it hasn’t been long enough to really know what I think. I’ve yet to find the right ratio of the styling product.

Wellness

Our elliptical keeps breaking and I think it’s done. So I spent a lot of time this month trying to think outside the box about fitness. I’ve been waffling on the Expecting and Empowered Postpartum Guide all year. I finally went for it with their Black Friday deal and the guide has already arrived! I have all the equipment I need, so I will be starting… soon. At Week 6. Even though I’m currently at Week 25. It is what it is.

Your Monthly Rufus

Rufus has fully claimed the Boppy Lounger now that C3 has outgrown it. Taylor set it up in the butler pantry and Rufus is happily spending most of his days there!

As usual, he’s also spending a lot of time blocking the TV.

On the Blog

I recapped One Day HH and shared some thoughts about my mom bod.

Good Reads

• I Feel Bad About My Knee
• The New Mom Welcome Packet
• #1353: My friend always takes over a day to respond to messages.
• The best shows to watch with parents, in-laws, and other family members
• This “Do Not Intermarry With Them” Stuff Hits Different Now
• my husband has to discuss his eating habits with the CEO
• If You Love Ted Lasso, Read These 12 Romance Books

Per tradition, there won’t be a What I’m Into in December because I’ll be working on a lot of year-end wrap-up posts. So this is it for 2021!

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I’ve been reflecting on my old fitness routine, before covid and motherhood. For my entire adult life up to March 2020, I worked out four or five days a week. Five days a week. That was what it took to maintain that weight. That was the amount of endorphins it took to keep my lifelong anxiety under control. Three days of cardio (elliptical and running), a couple of days of strength (weight training, Pilates) and whatever yoga I could cram in. For the most part, it wasn’t a hardship. I liked feeling fit and strong. I liked pushing myself. I had the capacity for it; I was used to it. But in the rocks in a jar metaphor of my life, exercise was always one of the biggest rocks. Too many times this year I’ve heard myself saying apologetically that I used to be a really fit person. I’m haunted by voices from the past who would surely say I’ve let myself go, even though I know that’s 1. not true and 2. diet culture/patriarchy.

In any case, this worn-out body has limitations. I never expected to still feel this bad almost six months out from birth. My back hurts from hauling C3 around and residual pregnancy trauma. My knees feel sore and swollen – I keep trying to do squats and cringing. I have foot pain that I can’t trace to any specific muscle, but that makes me hobble when I first get out of bed. My core strength is basically gone. The only positive is that my deltoid muscles, which have always tired quickly no matter what I tried, are rock solid from toting a now almost 20-pound baby. Most days I think, I need a weekly massage. I need daily yoga. I need a physical therapist. Someone please put me back together.

Aside from the physical pain of existing, the adorable baby-shaped rock in my life priorities jar has displaced the fitness rock. My only “free” free time is after C3 is in bed at night. I went to Fit4Mom classes during my maternity leave and LOVED it, but attending the few classes they have not during work hours would really take some doing. I already rely on a lot of help just so I can work. Then I have to reluctantly ask for more help to do special things like attend church, vacuum, or go to the store. Despite that, I’ve gotten a few slow runs in recently, and I was getting into an okay evening routine with the home elliptical that we bought used last year. Then one side of the elliptical started coming off the track. It felt a little dangerous to use it, because I spent the whole time bracing for the impact. Last week, it came off the track twice in ten minutes. I googled for solutions and discovered that once this model does this, it’s just going to keep breaking no matter how many times you fix it. So my main source of cardio is dunzo. I spent the rest of the evening feeling hopeless and frustrated. I’m doing my best, but I just can’t get back on track!

After this had marinated for a few days, I realized… I am not going to get back on track. The track has been disassembled. I have to build a brand new track. I have to stop thinking of myself as a failure because I’m not doing things the same way I did before my world, and the world at large, changed. Who’s saying it was even the best way? It was just what I had always done!! But “before” is over. It’s time to change my approach and my expectations of myself. It’s time to be flexible and open to new options, fitness and otherwise. I’ve generally been in a mood to throw out the playbook and try new things. I might find something even better than Before. I think we could all benefit from thinking about that right now.

My word for 2021 was/is Release, and I’m releasing more things. Maybe I’ll never look the same as I did before… all this, but I look okay even now. Maybe I’ll never be back in a gym multiple days a week. Maybe rebuilding my strength and endurance will be a long process. Making peace with that is not failure. My body grew a person and I already bought bigger pants that I like. Let the trolls come. Thank you next.

(I still need a medical professional though.)

3 Comments + Posted in: changes, fitness, motherhood, one word 365, reflections

Yesterday was my NINTH time participating in #OneDayHH, an annual Instagram challenge created by Laura Tremaine. Since I now have a public Instagram account for this blog, I can share throughout the day, but I also wanted to collect the whole day in a blog post as I always have. It allows me to go more in depth about various things and include exclusive content!! that didn’t make it to Insta.

On OneDayHH 2019, we were making an offer on the house we now live in – a situation that unfolded very fast. It was too early to share about, so I kept it out of my photos. On OneDayHH 2020, I was hiding an early pregnancy that I hadn’t announced yet (only noticeable by my frequent snacking and the fact that I fell asleep at 9:30). I’m happy to say that OneDayHH 2021 involved no secret major life events! I have had ENOUGH MAJOR LIFE EVENTS, secret or otherwise, in the last two years. Thank you very much.

Past years: 2013 // 2014 // 2015 // 2016 // 2017 // 2018 // 2019 // 2020

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

2:00 am. Up with my 5-month-old son, known on the blog as C3. Since he was about 2 months, he only wakes in the night to eat, and then goes right back to sleep. I feel fortunate.

6:30 am. My husband Taylor takes care of the baby after roughly 4 am, so when C3 got up for the day at 6, he got up with him and I was able to sleep until my alarm went off. I can see into the nursery from my bed. <3

6:45 am. Go see my adorable baby and start getting him ready! These are some of my favorite moments of the day with him. He’s always in a great mood at this time. I think I somehow birthed a morning person.

7:15 am. Start the coffee (currently Starbucks Fall Blend); rescue the Roomba, which gets hung up on the same few spots almost every morning. On the rare occasion it completes a cycle, I feel like I should buy a lottery ticket.

We have a slight plant situation on the sunporch right now. I need to trim the pothos (which just came in from outside) and find other places to put them. Some of the other plants will be coming upstairs soon.

7:22 am: Check the forecast, because it’s that time of year when it could be 80 degrees or 40.

7:30 am: This cool toy is actually a ball pit, but we’re using it as a play gym until C3 can sit up. He is happily playing for the moment. I take the opportunity to restock his diaper basket, and also wonder HOW it’s been a year since Alex Trebek died.

7:50 am: My dad arrives a little early to take care of C3. My mom normally watches him on Tuesdays, but she has an appointment this morning, so my dad is filling in. I log on and get a jump on work emails. Taylor brings breakfast, which he cooks for me every day. (#blessed) Most days we have eggs and a waffle, but today it’s sausage and cinnamon bread. I’m using my brand new Lindsey Jenks rainbow mug!

8:00 am: I’m a corporate paralegal, so my work is confidential, but this blurred spreadsheet is my secret sauce. It’s how I keep tabs on all our legal matters and know when I need to do something or follow up with someone. I’m in it all day. My mom once came into my “office,” said “That is a lot of words,” and walked out.

Rufus is already in my lap.

This week’s schedule. Side note: last week I proactively ordered new planner pages, thinking I was getting a jump on the new year. They arrived on Monday and it turns out I ordered another set of pages for 2021. Why are they still selling these in November?? I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

9:00 am: Having determined that nothing is on fire, I finally get myself ready for the day. Current morning skincare and hair product regimen. I washed my hair last night, so today is a high-maintenance day of carefully applying all the things. Every morning I have to wet my hair, comb it out, apply product as needed, then blow-dry. Seeking an expert to help me experiment with easier mom-friendly curly methods.

After blow-drying, I leave my hair alone for at least 10 minutes and then hit it with Herbal Essences spray gel, which I smooth in while “breaking the cast” of the other products. This step is crucial for minimal frizz.

Over the course of the pandemic I’ve somehow ended up with three foundations/three levels of coverage. I usually use #2, and in fact like it so much I just got a new tube, but today we’re going big!

The Tartelette palette and the L’Oreal Colour Riche eyeliner pencil are two of my holy grail products. Unfortunately the eyeliner has been discontinued for a while, so once this pencil is gone, it’s gone. :(

10:00 am: My workspace. I’ve worked in my sunroom “closet” for the entire pandemic, but we rearranged it slightly when I was on maternity leave. I’ve ordered a second desk (to create an L shape) and a display table from the same person who built this desk. Hoping to have them by Thanksgiving.

10:15 am: Pop a new tart in the owl tart warmer and go downstairs for more coffee. Here’s the state of our fridge. It’s been much cleaner since we got a separate dorm-sized “soda fridge.” (We also keep the ice cream in there.)

Rufus is enjoying the sunshine in the butler pantry.

11:15 am: I learned to sort and color-code my Gmail inbox from a recent Oh, I Like That episode, and now it’s a thing of beauty. I order Panera for all of our lunch, because…

… Nana ShaSha has arrived!

Oh and here’s my very basic OOTD. My new Lucky Brand Ava jeans with frayed hem (I love a frayed hem, I do not know why) and my favorite long-sleeve shirt in Tiger blue. I have a lot of them. And of course, slippers. Taking recs for supportive house shoes – since C3 was born, the ligaments in my feet have been trashed. Who knew that was a thing.

11:45 am: Lunchtime with my parents! I have the Fuji Apple Salad which is my Panera go-to. After we eat, my dad leaves, and my mom and I take the baby for a walk. Can you believe this tree???

12:35 pm: I come home while my mom continues on a longer walk with C3. We just got new cushions for the window seat in the dining room, and I’m really pleased with how they ground the whole area. Rufus is pleased with how well his shedded fur will show up on the cushions. Also, I check in with Noodle because we need his forecast for OneDayHH. It’s a bones day!

12:45 pm: Back to work. Today is a rare quiet day with no meetings. This is the other side of my work area, aka my WebEx/Zoom backdrop. When my display table is ready, it’ll go on this wall and I’ll hang my Hillary Butler painting properly (you may recall it lived over my mantel in my condo before I was married). The tall dresser will probably go in C3’s room, and I’ll find another place to hang my running medals.

1:30 pm: Lately our wifi sputters out regularly. I have to reconnect, then log back onto the VPN. It’s very annoying.

2:00 pm: Taking a minute to say goodbye to the old magnolia tree in our backyard, which has been cut down at the time of this post. :( It was slowly dying, and the conditions in this spot were never going to be right for it to thrive. This experience has felt a little like putting a pet down – you know it’s the right thing to do, but the decision to end a creature’s life is still sad and heavy.

3:00 pm: Cat still wants my attention. I need a snack and grab some trail mix.

3:50 pm: I lived through a several-month renovation while pregnant to get this bathroom. I took this mostly to show off the floor tile. I love it.

4:30 pm: C3 has been a little out of sorts for a few days, and at this point we’ve all seen enough to agree that he’s teething. Taylor just got back from the store with some things to help.

5:05 pm: I’m done working and notice the beautiful sky!

I make the quickest dinner I can think of that sounds good. Taylor is doing his own thing for dinner. We see on the news that our alma mater has a new president.

5:50 pm: Gee, you think a baby lives here? Rufus has fully claimed the Boppy Lounger as a bed, which is fine because C3 is already too tall for it! I’m glad our household can continue to enjoy it.

6:00 pm: Trying to put C3 down early because we’re going out!! He usually goes to bed around 7. This playlist is a key part of our bedtime routine. Unsurprisingly, he is not ready to go to sleep, so we hand him off to his other Nana who’s come to watch him.

6:15 pm: What prep for a basketball game looks like in 2021!

6:45 pm: First Tiger basketball game! I haven’t yelled Go Tigers Go at a Tigers game since February 29, 2020, so I’m very excited! This is also maybe the third time Taylor and I have been out together since C3 was born. We’ve been switching off for Grizzlies games and anything social that comes up.

8:00 pm: Spending most of the game catching up with my college BFF Kathy. I haven’t seen her since my (outdoor) baby shower! We’ve had season tickets together forever.

9:00 pm: Tigers win… and the team is looking good!

9:26 pm: Home. Despite high hopes, the walk between the car and the Forum was not enough to close my exercise ring for the day.

9:45 pm: C3 fell asleep shortly after we left, but is awake again and distressed, which almost never happens. I feel confident that it’s the teething, so I give him a little pain relief and cuddle with him until he falls back to sleep. Poor guy. :( Mouth pain is the worst.

10:00 pm: I didn’t eat much of that kale gnocchi and am starving, but nothing sounds good. I decide this favorite flavor of Clif bar is my best option. It kind of hits the spot. Then it’s time for the hot shower I look forward to all day!! I have a Bluetooth speaker in my bathroom and often listen to a few minutes of a podcast in the shower. Today I decide on the marriage one, but I’m not really in the mood for it and turn it off quickly.

10:20 pm: Night skincare. I LOVE Honeymoon Glow!

10:30 pm: Into my current favorite pajama pants (they’re cozy but not too warm). Taylor comes upstairs and we watch a few minutes of ACS: Impeachment before knocking out. Good night!

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It’s pumpkin month! ANY QUESTIONS?!?

Reading

Letters to Judy by Judy Blume (3.5 stars) – advice to kids in the 80s that’s still relevant

Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation by Kristin Kobes DuMez (5 stars) – a must read that shows you the real origins of American evangelical culture, and how we got where we are today

Accidentally Engaged by Farah Heron (3.5 stars) – cute romance about two Indian-Canadian foodies

Can’t Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation by Anne Helen Petersen (3 stars) – informative but depressing

Last One Out Shut Off the Lights by Stephanie Soileau (2.5 stars) – short stories set in Louisiana; well written but incredibly depressing, and also some animals are harmed, which is a no go for me; I’m impressed that I finished this

Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner (4.5 stars) – a beautiful memoir about losing a parent, with lots of hunger-inducing Korean food content

Listening

I’ve always said that I don’t get Billie Eilish in general, but I keep hearing the end of her new song on a commercial and… I really like it?!?

Watching

The Morning Show season 2 – I wasn’t sure where they would take the show after the Mitch scandal, but this season is Emmy-worthy so far IMHO. Loving the twists, the turns, and the constant notation of what day of 2020 it is, so you’re waiting for the bomb to drop.

The Way Down – Sooo many thoughts about this cult documentary. I knew about the plane crash, but had no idea who the people were. This… explains a lot. I’ll be interested to see the two new episodes next year.

Impeachment: American Crime Story – I’ve never watched any of the American ______ Story shows, but I might start based on these fantastic performances (we’re about halfway through).

Y: The Last Man – I’ve been watching this on the elliptical. I’m a few episodes in and not sure if I’ll continue, especially since I heard it hasn’t been renewed. Agent 355 is by far the most interesting thing about it.

Social Media

My sister has been on TikTok for a while and sends me links daily. I need another social like I need a hole in the head, but this month I finally caved. I figured it was less complicated to open the videos in the actual app. I promptly discovered Emily Mariko and am hypnotized by her cooking and cleaning videos. (Between her and Crying in H Mart, I have new interest in Asian cooking and hope to check out our local Vietnamese market soon.) I also love Gwen Carole, csapunch, and of course Jonathan Graziano/Noodle the Pug.

You might be a homebound new mom if you look forward to strangers’ Instagram stories. I love Mama Community Monday on Expecting and Empowered, Erin’s Tuesday Truths, and basically every day on Sharon Says So (this woman is doing the Lord’s work).

Travel

We went to Nashville for the first niece birthday party since before covid! The party was followed by a tea party at their house the next day. Fifoo is a whole mood.

I was excited for C3 to see his cousins! I think I’ve mentioned before that he and my littlest niece are only six months apart. They’re going to have so much fun together.

Around Town

Grizzlies season is here! My MIL and Taylor and I are going to try a rotation where two of us go to games and the other stays home with the baby. Cindy and I went to opening night and I felt like I got a piece of myself back. FedEx Forum has established a “vaccination or negative test” policy, and while I know some people will find a way to cheat it, I feel pretty safe going there. Especially since our current local numbers are very low. Anyway, there’s an opening night tradition where Grizz, the mascot, holds up a baby in a bear suit and they play The Circle of Life. I would have loved for C3 to be the Circle of Life baby, and Taylor was going to look into it with his connections. Then we found out the guy who plays Grizz also had a baby this summer… so we knew there was no chance! I’m okay though.

We took our first family trip to a pumpkin patch! I really enjoyed it, and enjoyed wearing C3 around the patch. I finally figured out how to use the Tula carrier my sister passed along to me. It is a GAME CHANGER to have both hands free. I love using the Tula on short walks, short outings, or even around the house.

My mom and I took C3 to Big River Crossing one Saturday to show him the river and his city. He was pretty nonplussed, but we got some great photos!

At Home

Our home renovation was completed in March and I realize I never posted after pics. But here’s one view of the kitchen! We just added this painting from greatbigcanvas.com. Since we had a lemon tree at our wedding (it now has SEVEN lemons on it starting to turn yellow!), they’re kind of a symbol of our marriage. Taylor narrowed it down to a few lemon paintings and this was my favorite. I think it looks great and appropriate for a kitchen.

We also put up a “command center” in the kitchen. With C3’s grandmas rotating through our house, it can be hard to keep track of things like when he last ate. I liked the idea of a central area to write down that info. This set was just what I wanted. I must be a real mom if we have a family calendar!

Taylor got us a new portable fire pit, which has already seen s’mores action! We’ve been watching Braves games in the backyard with our next-door neighbors. It’s been fun. On the other side of us, neighbors have finally moved in after a six-month renovation. It’s nice to be building a little real community here after almost two years.

On a less home-related note, I’ve always had a big problem with losing items in my purse. Getting some small organizing bags helped. But when I started switching back and forth from a regular purse to a diaper backpack, finding my keys went from annoying to EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. So I took my time searching for just the right key ring that clips securely, is hard to miss, but also has a little style (i.e. not a plain carabiner). This is what I ended up with. I ordered two, thinking I would get my keys copied and have one set on each bag at all times. But so far it’s easy to keep track of the original!

Eating

We tried Arbo’s, the hot new cheese dip in town. It was pretty good, but I still prefer Pancho’s!

Wearing

The quest for jeans that fit got real this month. My rotation consisted of two pairs of maternity jeans, one NYDJ light wash from Goodwill, and one pre-pregnancy pair that I can squeeze into on a good day. This might sound like enough, but my baby is a fountain of spit-up and laundry accumulates fast. I did another circuit of my usual secondhand stores, found nothing, and realized I might have to go to, like, a department store and spend serious money. One afternoon I was near a TJ Maxx and decided to do a quick browse. I found a pair of Lucky Brand Ava fit jeans AND a pair of Democracy Ab Solution jeans, the very brand I was about to look for at Macy’s! (It’s highly rated for postpartum.) Both were about half off what I would pay in those stores, so what might normally feel like a splurge became a bargain. I feel great in them and am really pleased.

Beauty

I talked about Farmacy Honeymoon Glow last month, but I’m loving it so much I wanted to mention it again. It has indeed made me more glowy. I try to limit use to a few nights a week because it’s powerful… that slight sting tells you it’s working!!

Wellness

I’m back on the elliptical (on our home machine), shooting for three nights a week. I do it after I put C3 to bed because that’s the only free time I have. I’m not up to my old time or pace, but it’s something. I’ve lost a few more pounds, but am still a ways above my pre-pregnancy weight (and even further from my pre-pandemic, pre-miscarriages weight). I feel okay about myself, though. Still not on any official diet or plan. Just seeing how far I can get with small changes. Also, last week I ran my first continuous mile in almost a year! I was so in the zone that when someone from my book club saw me and tried to get my attention, I didn’t see her at all. I didn’t even know until she told me later. I was very focused on my goal!!

This month, I decided four months was long enough to wait for my PPD/A to magically go away. So I took steps to get help, and am happy to report I’m starting to feel better. I’ll probably talk more about this at a later date. Having a baby changes so many fundamental things. I struggle with how much to share about C3 himself, and these months since he was born. I have to think about how what I say will affect my family. My marriage is more interdependent than it was before we were parents. I’m working through the tension between that and the fact that I still own my experiences and who I am.

Your Monthly Rufus

There aren’t as many photos of Rufus this month, but he’s getting a lot of love! He got an A+ at his annual checkup this month. He’s also starting to investigate his brother a little more closely.

On the Blog

I finally wrote up C3’s birth story. I’m planning to write a “fourth trimester” post with more detail about my maternity leave, and I have some other ideas too!

Good Reads

We Need to Talk About Nate (do not read if you haven’t finished Ted Lasso season 2)

Musicians on Musicians: Alanis Morissette & Olivia Rodrigo

On Being a New Mom and My Constant Battle With Time

I thoroughly enjoyed Caitlin Higgins’s apartment reveals on the Emily Henderson blog this month. “Cat (similar)” in this post cracked me up.

Laurie Colwin’s Recipe for Being Yourself in the Kitchen (might be time for a re-read of Home Cooking!)

Readasaurus Reviews: Slam Book by Ann M. Martin. MEMORIES!

How on earth did I end up here?

Challenging Myself – Allison’s experience going to an influencer event as an over-40, plus-size fashion blogger, and how it made her even more of a badass

Thousands of People Are Trying to Leave QAnon, but Getting Out Is Almost Impossible

For Goodness’ Sake, Please Let Us Not Return to Low-Rise Jeans

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My son is now four months old, and I finally have both the time and desire to post about his birth. While a lot of things are too private or precious to share, I couldn’t not write about one of the most important events of my life!

It was the first lesson in having kids: You cannot control anything. Whatever dreams you had of how things were going to go down, they ain’t gonna come true.

– Ali Wong, Dear Girls

I was induced on Friday, June 4 at 39 weeks. It was the final chapter of a pregnancy in which I never felt like I was in control; my age and complications really limited my options. I knew from day one that the birth would likely have to be scheduled and managed. There could be no peaceful midwifery center or home birth in a tub. Therefore, I worked at keeping an open mind and minimal expectations going into the birth. I also had no problem with benefiting from science. My mantra (co-created with my sister) was DON’T BE A HERO. This would serve me well in my 36-hour classic cascade of interventions.

C3 was born during the brief post-vaccine, pre-Delta window when things were good pandemic-wise. (I remain so thankful for this.) The week before the birth, our hospital changed their policy to allow for one additional support person, so my sister was able to be with us! She got to the hospital later in the morning after I was checked in and hooked up – Taylor and I had arrived at 5 am. It was a long day of waiting. Not much was happening. A few times, at my request, they unhooked me from the machines so I could slowly walk the halls, do squats, or bounce on a ball. By dinnertime I was still barely contracting and only at 2 cm, so my doctor decided to break my water (one of the weirdest experiences of my life). Then things started to get real.

I knew I would probably want the epidural (DON’T BE A HERO!), but planned to wait and see how things went. Two hours after the water break, we had made zero progress. I was coping well with the contractions, but they were rapidly getting worse. Nurses kept asking about my pain level and I didn’t know what to tell them. How can you make that call when you don’t know how much worse it’s going to get? I kept saying a three or four. When I finally said five, Taylor said “Okay, but you’re making the seven face,” indicating the little pain faces along the bottom of the whiteboard. I knew it would take a while to get the epidural once I requested it, and all indications were that this baby wasn’t coming any time soon. It seemed like a bad idea to suffer through hours of unproductive pain and have no strength left for whatever was coming. I wanted to have the experience of labor, but I felt like these hours had been enough for me to get the gist. So, I told them to bring me the drugs. I got the epidural around 9 pm. It was magical – the best and most relaxed I had felt in months. I do not regret it at all. Debra kept watching the contraction monitor and confirmed that I had made a good decision.

Of course, this whole time I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink. I received ice chips and one (1) Popsicle, which my nurse had to go to another ward to get because Popsicle shortage. Eventually I stopped feeling hungry, but the thirst was killing me. Once I got caught drinking melted ice chips and was told to stop or I would throw up. I understand why they do this to laboring patients, but I still find it inhumane!

Taylor, Debra, and I all settled in to try to get some sleep. Over the course of the night, at least ten babies were born in the adjoining rooms. We heard them all crying as, one by one, other women successfully gave birth. I couldn’t stop thinking of this:

In the night, a monitor went off because the baby’s heart rate had gone up. Everything was okay, but after that I was braced for bad news every time a nurse came in. Morning dawned. I was at 3 cm. THREE. (“I’m dilated three!”) The night nurse conferred with my doctor, who was about to leave, and the new doctor on shift. They all agreed that C3’s head appeared to be stuck (this was later confirmed) and the labor was not progressing. My temperature was rising and the baby’s heart rate was getting more unstable. They recommended going ahead with a C-section. Having anticipated this moment, and ready to get on with it, I agreed.

As soon as I said, “Give me the C-section,” I got, for the first time, genuinely excited to meet my baby, as if this whole natural-childbirth thing, long ago thrown out the window, had been a sort of block. The smoke had cleared and we were finally going to do the thing we’d come here to do, people.

– Meaghan O’Connell, And Now We Have Everything: On Motherhood Before I Was Ready

The one thing I really, really, really didn’t want was an emergency C-section, and thankfully this was not that. A couple of women were scheduled to go in before me, so I had time to get prepped and meet the doctor who would be delivering my baby. Everyone was fairly relaxed. I’d never had surgery before (unless you count getting my eyes fixed), but I felt like I handled it well. Of course, I also had about 50 drugs in my system at that point. They told me Taylor would be brought in before they started, but I heard the doctor say “Incision” and I was alone. I remember asking urgently, “Where is my husband?!?” (Who knows whether I actually spoke this out loud.) I think someone was bringing him in right at that moment.

A few minutes later, a bunch of voices exclaimed on the other side of the drape, and I heard my son cry. Somehow, even though I was laying there waiting to hear it, it was still an incredible surprise. Taylor went to be with C3 while they cleaned him up. Then he brought him over for me to see. I couldn’t turn my head much, and was practically bulging my weepy eyes out trying to make eye contact with the baby. They both stayed with me through the end of the procedure. Once I was stitched up, the three of us went to recovery. It was a golden hour indeed. I finally got a cold beverage and we just basked in our beautiful baby.

Aunt Deb was waiting in the mom-and-baby room, excited to meet her nephew! She helped us get acclimated and came back each day for the rest of our stay. It reassured me so much to have someone there who knew exactly what I needed (having been through it herself). I don’t know what I would have done without her.

(PS if anyone is wondering, my post-birth meal choice was a McAlister’s club sandwich and iced tea. Very on brand.)

Although the new moms floor was fine, and our day nurse was wonderful, I’ve never been so uncomfortable as I was in the hospital. It wasn’t just the recovery (which was rough – I needed help with everything), it was the constant interruptions and total lack of privacy after I had just been ripped open physically and emotionally. I was a mess and couldn’t get a handle on anything with the baby. All I wanted was to go home to be in my own bed and start learning how to be a mom. The only really helpful thing was a visit from the in-house lactation consultant, who was very supportive and informative. Highly recommend taking advantage of that after you have a baby, even if things are going well.

We finally got to leave the hospital on Monday afternoon. Unfortunately, the drive home was a disaster (crying! massive throw ups! pharmacy wouldn’t give me my pain meds!) and C3 and I were both in tears when we arrived. It was not the homecoming I hoped for. I had to recover for a while before we took the pictures I had wanted, but now they’re some of my favorites.

In conclusion, I didn’t have the enchanting, empowering, spiritual birth experience that some new moms have. It was pretty much the opposite of that! But now we have a wonderful baby who brings us so much joy, and that’s amazing enough.

You were with me even before you were born. Everything that would make you was already here, waiting to be you.

– Erika Swyler, Light from Other Stars

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