One of my first Story 101 assignments, which we’ve continued to discuss throughout the class, was to “write the hard thing.” Seven weeks in, I was still wondering where to start. But one “hard thing” has been nagging at me consistently, and it’s in line with my One Word for 2013, and it is this:
I can’t do it all.
There are just too many boxes to be checked off in life. Work, lots of family and friend relationships, relationship with God, church involvement, community involvement, charity involvement, health, fitness, goal-setting, writing pursuits, general creative pursuits, home maintenance, car maintenance, cat maintenance, budget management, traveling – all these areas require constant upkeep. I keep as many plates spinning as I can, but at any given time a few things are taking a backseat. Whenever I feel okay across the board, someone ups the ante. A leader of something I’m involved in challenges me to further commitment, or suggests I get involved in something else additionally. The agency through which I sponsor a child sends monthly urgings to sponsor more children. My company and church issue more pleas for volunteers for this or that, when I’m already participating in something or just pitched in last week. They’re just trying to share information and/or do their jobs, but the message I hear is often, Thanks for your participation and contributions, but it’s not enough. We still need you to do more.
I’m interested in so many things. I would truly love to be involved in everything, but I’m limited by, you know, my humanity and the space-time continuum. What I want most is to know that my life is making a difference for good and for God’s glory, and that I’m living it to the fullest. But I feel like every time I approach that finish line, it moves, and I get too tired to keep running.
Often when I confide in people about my lack of love life, their well-intentioned response is, “You just need to put yourself out there. Have you thought about joining a club or something?” I laugh it off, because otherwise I would have to lay down and cry. I don’t think I could join any more “clubs” or get any more “out there” without sacrificing my health. I can’t force great single Christian men to be into the same things I’m into and then notice I’m alive while they’re there. Yet I fear that people blame me for my singleness because I’m not pushing myself to the absolute limit to find someone. (Even though if they do blame me, that’s their problem and not mine.)
Earlier this year I had the revelation that I don’t have to fill every moment of my day. I learned that intentionally leaving a little open space in my schedule makes me much happier and more relaxed. It sounds crazy that this was a revelation, but it was and is. Still, it’s hard to shake the guilt for allowing myself blocks (even, occasionally, whole afternoons) of introvert time. I worry that a friend will be upset because I said I was too busy to get together, but I could have squeezed her into that hour between those two events if I really wanted to. I’m always last on my own list, and that’s not healthy. It’s also prideful. I’m still trying to get a handle on it.
This mess of never-enoughness continues to be one of my hardest things. I still haven’t found a permanent, solid line between healthy, full living and “I’m So Excited”-era Jessie Spano. Like that finish line, it seems to be in constant motion.
2 Comments + Posted in: imperfection, one word 365, singleness
My friend Hillary also has an August birthday. While doing reconaissance on her Pinterest for gift ideas, I saw a really cool tumbler glass with gold leafing, ending in a scalloped edge. It had a price to match its decadent look, but I knew instantly that I could DIY a similar set of glasses!
This glass painting tutorial had some helpful tips, but as it turned out, I didn’t really need them. What confused me was the gold leafing process. So in lieu of actual gold leafing that would probably flake off of the glasses every time they were washed, I decided to use a gold leafing paint and an acrylic sealant, both of which I found at Michaels.
Once I had my paints and set of four simple tumbler glasses, I wrapped a flexible scallop border template (the same one I used to make these scalloped shorts) around the outside of each glass, about halfway up. Then I traced the border with a grease pencil. If you can, I recommend using a pencil close to the color of your paint – I didn’t, and it was visible inside the glass (though not very noticeable). I didn’t worry too much about a totally straight edge or making the scallops uniform. I thought a little imperfection would be good for the overall look.
With a standard artist’s paintbrush, I “cut in” the scalloped edge freehand, then filled in the bottom part of the glass with the gold leaf paint. I was so happy and impressed with how it looked after just one coat, I didn’t add extra layers, but for future projects I’ll experiment with a thicker or more textured finish. After letting the paint dry on all four glasses, I applied the sealant using the same process. I’m not even sure if the sealant was necessary, but it can’t hurt.
These glasses would also be great for holding small flower arrangements or tall candles. I had such a good time painting them that I plan to make some for myself (and maybe other friends if they’re interested). Hillary loved them and said they looked like they could have come from Anthropologie. Mission accomplished!! :)
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On Friday I kicked off my birthday by sleeping in, then enjoying a smoothie with whipped cream while watching the Today show. I had forgotten it was also Kathie Lee’s birthday, so they were celebrating too. Mid-morning, my mom picked me up and we went for a bike ride on the Greenline. I wore my favorite autographed DJ Stephens shirt. We saw turtles and lots of butterflies (expect a nature photo post soon). One of the butterflies alighted on my bike tire and hung out there, which I took as a good birthday sign!
My mom dropped me off at my friend/neighbor Elizabeth’s house, and she and I (and her two younger sons) rode our bikes to McAlister’s for lunch. Then I relaxed at home, and had a video chat with Debra and Niecy, before going out with a few friends. (Gandalf sat nearby while I got ready.)
We ate on the patio at Slider Inn, a Cooper-Young restaurant that’s been on my list for a long time. I ordered the lobster roll – it’s on the original list of 100 Things To Eat In Memphis. It lived up to the hype and the lobster was very fresh. At Myla’s suggestion, I also had a Washington Apple. It was sort of like an appletini. I approved!
Caroline graciously made me a strawberry cake for my birthday, AND chocolate-covered strawberries, even though it was her first week of school and she was exhausted. I’m so thankful for her! The cake was the perfect ending to an awesome day.
The fun continued on Saturday. My parents took me to an IMAX movie about sharks (I seriously consider this special-occasion fun) and then to dinner at a surprise downtown location. We walked further and further down Main until I was drawing a complete blank. Then we stopped in front of Flight. Woo hoo!!!
(The middle wine was my favorite)
Flight has three-course flights of appetizers, entrees, wine, and desserts. Each of us had a different entree flight (my mom and I also got the complementary wine flights). I tried something different and ordered the Feathered Flight, which offered chicken and waffles in a mushroom sauce, quail and dumplings, and duck with spinach ravioli. Everything was to die for. I haven’t liked the duck I’ve tried in the past, but this was exquisite. I also encouraged my dad to look for some quail on his deer hunts.
Best birthday meal ever. I’m still happy today thinking about it. I’m also thankful for the knowledge that my parents really get me, and knew how happy it would make me to go downtown and eat at a really cool and Memphisy place.
Overall, 34 was my best birthday in a long time. I felt loved and known by the people close to me, and have an unfounded sense of hope about the next year. I just think this is going to be a good one. I feel a rightness about being 34 that I didn’t feel about being 33. It’s all very mystical!
Add a Comment + Posted in: birthday, friends
It’s my birthday! Partly inspired by my writing class, I wanted to write a post about “What I Know” at 34. But I came up pretty blank. Lately I feel like I don’t really know anything.
It was easier to think of things that I’m genuinely grateful for today. I’m thankful for this healthy, strong body that does whatever I ask it to, and for every day I have left before I have to start coloring my hair. I’m glad that although my family isn’t perfect, we enjoy and love each other well, and that my siblings and I keep a strong bond even though we have license plates from three different states. I’m thankful for my oceangoing heritage. I feel joy every time I think of my niece. I love knowing and loving so many different kinds of people. I love that my knowledge and appreciation of my city have grown exponentially in the last few years. I’m grateful to participate in God’s creative process through growing flowers and food. I love that e-readers allow me instant access to any book in the world (even as I continue to support Real Books). I’m thankful to have a working bike and drive the most beautiful car ever. I’m happy to still be in touch with all of my best friends from childhood. I’m thankful that Tiger basketball season starts in 90 days. I’m grateful for my little progress as a writer, even though the path is dark and slow. I love that every night, when I get into my comfy bed with my two wonderful cats, it’s the best moment of the day.
On my birthday, I like to read the Psalm that corresponds with my new age. Well, Psalm 34 is a really good one – a psalm of deliverance, praise, and blessing. God hears and provides refuge. My ESV Study Bible notes this: There is also a “wisdom” section embedded in the thanksgiving, which is appropriate, because it is the “wise” (i.e. those who live out their trust in God) who have occasion to give such thanks.
Christians like to joke about 33 being a big year, but for me it was externally anticlimactic and internally a struggle. But I have a good feeling about 34. Even if my outward life is exactly the same in a year, I just hope I’ll trust God more than I do now. I hope that instead of waiting for “provisions” that might not be intended for me, I’ll see God’s blessing and deliverance more clearly in the life I have, and live out my trust in Him.
4 Comments + Posted in: birthday, faith
After lobstering in the Keys, my family spent the rest of our vacation in Miami. On Sunday my grandfather took us for a boat ride around the bay. We went by the ruins of our favorite restaurant, Shuckers, so I could see it with my own eyes and begin my healing process. The deck collapsed in June during a Miami Heat game, and there’s no word on when or if it might reopen.
Our usual table was near the sea grape tree on the right. Sad times!
We’ve spent many afternoons at the sandbar in North Biscayne Bay. It was mobbed. I tried to imagine going to church on a Sunday morning, then, instead of going to lunch, inviting my friends to join me at the sandbar for some fried chicken and margaritas on the boat. What a life!
Later, my mom and I drove by our old house and my old elementary school! I had forgotten that they chose the tiger as our mascot in my last year there. Being a Tiger has always been my destiny!
My mom discovered on this trip that her high school has been torn down! They built a new (huge) one across the street. This frog pond and empty field are all that remains. As we drove away, she mused, “Well, Dad did tell me a few times that they were going to tear it down… I guess I didn’t want to hear it.” LOL.
On our last morning, we went to the nearest beach, but couldn’t swim because there were moon jellyfish everywhere. They migrate from August to October – this was never a problem when we used to visit in July. Some people were swimming and appeared fine, but as much as I wanted to get in the water, I just couldn’t do it. The same thing has happened out on the reef. I tell myself, “So I might get stung! It won’t be that bad!” Then once I’m surrounded by jellies, I practically have a panic attack. My dad insists that these are very mild, but I was stung by a box jellyfish a few years ago, so it’s hard to overcome my sense of self-preservation. Eventually I’ll run into one of these accidentally, and then they won’t scare me anymore.
Here’s a semi-panorama of the Haulover Cut.
My uncle famously jumped into the fast-moving water from the bridge on a dare when he was in high school. Don’t try this, kids.
Even though I love Memphis and have lived here for most of my life now, Florida will always be equally my home. I’ve finally embraced my dual citizenship and feel blessed to belong in two wonderful places – which have more in common than you’d think (this might be worth a post of its own). Miami is my roots, and Memphis is my branches.
2 Comments + Posted in: family, florida, ocean