Netgalley is great for finding books that I might never have heard about otherwise. One such book is Emotional Vampires at Work: Dealing with Bosses and Coworkers Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein. I’m not really into businessy books, but when I noticed this in a new-releases e-mail, I decided to check it out. I’m so glad I did!
In this book, Bernstein describes several types of emotional vampires: Antisocials, Histrionics, Narcissists, Obsessive-Compulsives, and Paranoids. They’re not simply “difficult people,” but people with actual, untreated personality disorders. He explains how to handle and interact with them, and the work cultures they create, without getting burned. Emotional vampires are essentially children. They operate solely on an immature, “fast thinking,” instinctual level, and their goal is to bring you down to that level. Therefore, you can outsmart them with “slow thinking,” moving beyond your knee-jerk reactions to their behavior and consistently responding in a mature and logical way. Bernstein helps you work toward this by identifying what your primary workplace personality is: Rebel, Believer, or Competitor. Certain combinations of personalities and emotional vampires are more disastrous than others, and he shows you what to beware of in those situations.
I appreciated the author’s constant refrain that emotional vampires are not bound by conscience or compassion, and don’t respond to things as a healthy person does. They see other people as a “source of sustenance” and not much more. In relationships with them (especially in a work context), our energy should go toward protecting ourselves from them, not trying to fix them. If we don’t shield ourselves, we’re in danger of becoming “infected” too. As someone conditioned to help people and give them chance after chance, I found this advice freeing and reassuring. Emotional Vampires at Work clearly focuses on the work environment, but the descriptions and guidance are very helpful for all of life, because emotional vampires are everywhere. If you read this and don’t identify anyone you know, count yourself blessed.
I recommend this book for everyone. It’s not very long, and the knowledge you’ll gain will be valuable at work and in your personal life.
I received this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
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I’ve had a crafty few weeks. Here are some things I’ve made!
Because I seem to need front-door decor for every month of the year, I made this cute semi-patriotic wreath based on this tutorial. The wreath in the original post is burlap wrapped around a foam or straw core. However, on the day I made this, I didn’t have time to go to multiple stores. So you’re looking at a twig wreath form wrapped in burlap-look upholstery fabric from the Garden Ridge $1.50 remnant bin. I wrapped it around and secured it with hot glue. It’s not as picture-perfect as the original, but it works for me!
If you just want to learn how to make the felt hydrangeas, that tutorial is here. Felt flowers have become my go-to. They aren’t trying (and failing) to look like real flowers, and they’re cute, cheap, and easy to make.
Since I got my sewing machine, most of my projects have proceeded as follows:
– Pin a bunch of tutorials for what I want to make
– Settle on one; buy and prepare supplies
– Read tutorial thoroughly and discover that it’s too confusing or labor-intensive; try another
– Repeat several times
– Panic because I don’t have adequate supplies for other tutorials
– Finally, choose whatever I can understand that won’t require me to go back to the store
Making a new table runner for the console table in my living room was no different. I had pictured something more complicated, with a border, but ended up using this Simple Table Runner Tutorial from Cloud 9 Fabrics. It’s a clean, basic reversible design – all you have to do is sew with wrong sides together, pull right side out, and topstitch it. Very manageable! Even so, it took me at least two hours to create this large rectangle. I’m ready for my McCall’s Sewer of the Year award now.
My old table runner was brown, and too dark once I got hardwood floors. So it makes me happy to see this cheery design. The fabric is from the outdoor section at Hancock. I topstitched with blue thread to make it more interesting.
Finally, here are my tomatoes after TWO WEEKS:
Again: TWO WEEKS. I even checked the calendar to make sure it hadn’t been longer since planting day… and it was a late planting at that. Wholly Cow indeed!! The tomatoes aren’t the only plants taking off. I can practically see the cucumber vines growing, and something has shot up next to them that’s not a cucumber. Possibly one of my watermelons from last year! It’s all very exciting… for me and my dad. :) Looks like I need to learn to can for real!
My battle with birdseed-thieving squirrels has been well documented on this blog. Yesterday my dad provided me with a new weapon that may end the backyard war forever:
This feeder is weight calibrated for birds, so if squirrels land on the ledge, it closes. It has a secure top that even my dexterous local squirrels can’t take off. I should have gotten one of these years ago, instead of spending literally hundreds of dollars (over time) on birdseed that never made it to the birds. Victory! (I hope.)
This was a quality month!
Tiger Lily by Jodi Lynn Anderson (4.5 stars)
Confession: I’ve never read the original Peter Pan, and the Disney movie wasn’t my fave growing up. But I was intrigued by this serious take on Tiger Lily, the native Neverlander girl who’s a peripheral character in Peter’s story. Tiger Lily is the adopted daughter of the tribe’s shaman, Tik Tok. Her exceptional strength, skill, and quiet ways make her an outsider to most of the tribe, except for her two best friends and of course her father. At fifteen, she learns that she’s been promised to the most horrible man in the village and must marry him at the end of the hot season. Shortly thereafter, she wanders into the forbidden forest and meets the infamous Peter Pan and his Lost Boys. What follows is a heartbreaking story of first love (and so much more). Anderson de-cartoons these familiar characters and Neverland itself. This book far exceeded my expectations and has a quiet truth and sadness about it that will stick with me for a long time. I should also mention that the story is narrated by Tinker Bell, who, as a mute but highly empathic fairy, can sense the thoughts and feelings of all the characters. It might sound silly, but I promise you, it’s not.
Emotional Vampires at Work: Dealing with Bosses and Coworkers Who Drain You Dry by Albert Bernstein (4.5 stars)
I read this for Netgalley and just finished it, so it’ll have its own post next week! Preview: it’s fascinating and very helpful for dealing with people everywhere, not only at work.
But Enough About Me: A Jersey Girl’s Unlikely Adventures Among the Absurdly Famous by Jancee Dunn (5 stars)
I already liked Jancee Dunn after reading her debut novel, Don’t You Forget About Me. Now that I’ve backtracked to her 2006 memoir, I see her as a kindred spirit. She engagingly describes the high points of her life, starting with her childhood, progressing through her years at Rolling Stone and as one of the first VJs on MTV2. The chapters are interspersed with pieces about some of her favorite celebrity interviews, all VERY boldfaced names. As the title suggests, Dunn is totally unpretentious despite her many brushes with rock and roll fame. She’s a crafty, documentary-watching homebody who counts her quirky parents and sisters as her best friends. She’s also naturally hilarious – I hadn’t LOLed so much at a book since Bossypants. If you like music or journalism or any story told by a likeable person, this is worth a read. I’m glad I bought it so I can revisit my favorite parts.
Reclaiming Your Heart: A Journey Back to Laughing, Loving and Living by Denise Hildreth Jones (4 stars)
Denise Hildreth Jones’ latest focuses on the hard things in life that shut down our hearts, and the crucial importance of fighting to keep our hearts open and alive in a difficult world. Each chapter describes a different type of shut-down heart – angry, controlling, disappointed, and fearful among them – how it got that way, and how to revive it. As with all of DHJ’s writings (she and I have similar histories), this was very timely and applicable to me. I could benefit from a more in-depth study!
Bittersweet by Sarah Ockler (4 stars)
Three years ago, Hudson Avery, rising figure skating star, gave up the ultimate big break after discovering that her dad was cheating on her mom. Since her parents split, she’s helped her mom at their family diner, creating one fantastic cupcake after another and trying to forget the old days. Then a letter arrives inviting her to a skating competition with a huge scholarship prize. Seizing her only chance to get out of her dead-end small town, she starts skating again in secret. But she’s found out by Will, captain of the hockey team, and his friend Josh. The team hasn’t had a winning record in years and is facing disbandment, and they want her to share her ice-queen secrets with their players. As she works to regain what she’s lost in the midst of her current crazy life, Hudson finds that what she thought she wanted may not be what’s right for her after all. This book felt really real. I especially enjoyed the sweet relationship between Hudson and her younger brother. And Josh is pretty dreamy. :)
Because It Is My Blood by Gabrielle Zevin (5 stars)
The continuing tale of Anya Balanchine, illegal-chocolate heiress and mafia daughter, trying to keep herself and her loved ones alive in dystopian 2082 New York. In this second novel, she’s forced to flee to Mexico as a fugitive, where she takes refuge on a cacao farm and learns about the family business. Meanwhile, back home, more unexpected tragedies and surprises are set into motion. I’ve read reviews complaining that “not enough happens” in this series, but not only do I disagree, I also think the quieter times we spend with Anya and the other characters are the best parts. To me there’s a definite Dickensian vibe. Can’t wait for the final installment!
Books for May: 6
2013 year to date: 28
2 Comments + Posted in: book reviews, reading
I’m privy to a lot of (unsolicited) dating advice. Not usually directed right at me, just articles and blog posts I come across. Some of the advice has been worth pondering. Some has been smug, insensitive and/or just plain bad. News flash: Single people are not all exactly the same. We have different needs and desires, different histories, different phases of life. It’s pretty absurd to counsel, say, a fresh-faced college student and a middle-aged divorced woman exactly the same way. But it happens all the time. People love to tell singles how they ought to feel and behave about relationships, and that if they’re failing to get dates, it’s because they aren’t following certain steps.
I’m sure all singles have our own personal advice peeves. But the one that gets under my skin the most, by far, is this popular gem for women: “You won’t find a man unless you say yes to everyone who asks you out.” For women of a certain age or temperament, this could be good advice. But for me? NO. How do I loathe this statement? Let me count the ways.
1. As Christian women, we’re not supposed to “pursue” men we’re interested in. (In some denominations, even friendly behavior toward a man can be viewed as pursuit and result in a panic moonwalk, but don’t even get me started on that.) All we can do is wait to be noticed. Our only power at the start lies in our yes or no. Personally, I’m not about to hand over my only free agency.
2. The most common argument: it’s sooo scary and difficult for men to ask women out, and they’ll be more likely to do so if they know they won’t be refused. How exciting and adventurous! If I were a man, I’d feel insulted. Listen, men, I acknowledge your guts. I know it’s not easy to put yourself on the line. But if a mature woman feels the need to turn you down, she will do so as kindly as she can. If she’s mean about it, you didn’t need to be with her anyway. I truly hate to hurt anyone’s feelings, but if I already know I’m not interested in a guy, it seems more considerate not to waste his time (more on this below). Also, I’d rather be asked out because a man genuinely likes me, not because I’m the only woman he knows who won’t say no. It’s meaningful to know that a man sees you and is willing to risk something for you.
3. Another argument: if you look beyond “surface” attributes that would normally make you say no, you might find that the man is actually perfect for you. This is a valid point if all you care about is physical appearance, but I hope most of us have moved beyond that. Like most people, I have a general idea of the qualities I want in a mate. I’m also aware that the right guy for me might be different from what I imagined, and I’m open to that. But I’m also pretty intuitive. My intuition isn’t infallible, but it’s correct most of the time, even when I had no initial solid proof or backup for those feelings. I’m slowly learning to stop doubting my gut. I get a sense of people pretty quickly. Sometimes I even feel like my heart chooses people to love (all kinds of love) before my head has caught up. Therefore, I know the right sort of man when I meet him, even if he doesn’t match up with my ideal wish list. If my initial negative impression of someone is really wrong, I trust God to make that clear to me over time.
More importantly, I’m a grownup, and I know myself and what I want and need. It’s sad that knowing what you want in a relationship is frowned upon and seen as narrow-minded or even as a sin. Especially if you’re a woman.
4. I want to feel at least mostly excited about getting to know someone. There has to be some spark of interest that’s not totally smothered by red flags. Anxiety, dread, and a sense of duty should not be anyone’s primary dating emotions. Further, you’re not doing anyone a favor by being with them begrudgingly or out of peer pressure. I speak from painful experience. If you know right away that you’re not feeling it, leave the person free to find someone who’s genuinely happy to be with them. Or to be alone, which is still better than being with someone who doesn’t love you. Life is too short.
5. At what point have you sufficiently given someone a chance? If you go on one date and really aren’t into it, well, that was only one date. He could have had an off night. Better go out again to be sure. Still feel blah? Oh, he’s a nice Christian guy, you’re just making shallow judgments. Give him another chance. Before you know it, you’re giving him a chance at the altar with no clue how you got there. I know that’s hyperbole, but between my people-pleasing nature that I battle constantly and the intense persistence of some single men, it’s a personal phobia. At my age and in my culture, even casual dating isn’t 100% casual. If I lived in a less conservative part of the country, or ran in different circles, I think I’d be more relaxed about all this. But I don’t want anyone mentally marrying me off to some guy whom I’m not even sure I like that way.
6. In no other type of relationship are we so encouraged to throw our feelings or misgivings out the window. I don’t see articles instructing us to be close, intimate friends with anyone who speaks to us. But when it comes to the most important relationship of your life, just give in to the first person who asks? It makes no sense.
Bottom line, I think we should all be allowed to have preferences and boundaries in dating, just like we do in everything else. Am I alone in my principles?
9 Comments + Posted in: dating, relationships, womanhood
I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, but the highlight was going to Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals with my parents and brother! I’d never been to an NBA playoff game before, and in fact had only been to ONE Grizzlies game of any kind. (Mostly due to ticket costs and lack of game companions, although the Tigers are my priority, and even I can only go to so many basketball games.)
The Grizzlies have never advanced this far in the entire history of the team. The past couple of months have been amazing here in Memphis. Basketball unites this city like nothing else! Throughout the playoffs, I’ve seen more and more Grizzlies growl towels in apartment windows, in car windows, on yard signs, and even on babies. (See also: 5 Places You’d Least Expect to See a Grizzlies Growl Towel.) On a Midtown bike ride last weekend, I even saw a giant Grizz head made from Christmas lights.
Last night, the Grizz lost the second home game of the series, ending the season and advancing the Spurs to the NBA championships. But watching it at home, I was very glad to see the fans still standing and cheering at the end of the game. I’m so proud of this team and this city. Next season will be here before we know it!!
2 Comments + Posted in: memphis, sports