One of my friends recently ended a long, undefined relationship. Although it was terribly painful, she says she doesn’t regret it or consider the relationship a waste, because of how she changed and what she learned through loving this person. Her words reminded me that I used to feel the same way. Being alone for so long after an intense hurt has made me very defensive of my heart, but God does some of His best work when we open up and risk caring deeply for someone.
Over the ten-year scope of my relationship with my ex-husband, I always sensed that my feelings for him were too profound and persistent to come from me alone; that God had somehow appointed me to love him. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake my feelings for him, even though he never fully returned them. In the years before we dated (and then late in our marriage), my tenacious love caused me a lot of suffering. But it also drove me to God, forced me to trust Him more, and stretched me in inexpressible ways. It gave me a new understanding of the depth of Jesus’ love. It opened my heart and showed me the beauty and value in loving sacrificially, regardless of what you get in return.
After my ex left, I reasonably thought I must have “heard” wrong from the beginning. If I had been meant to love him, God would have saved our marriage and this wouldn’t have happened. No, it must have been that I’d fallen in love, hung on like a stubborn mule, and badgered God relentlessly until He, reluctant and sighing, gave me what I wished for. I was a fool reaping the harvest of her foolishness. But eventually, I saw that I was trying to make sense of the senseless by taking responsibility for someone else’s selfish decisions. Even though those years may be a pitiable waste by the world’s standards, they’re still valuable because of what they did in me. I am a deeper, more complete human being today because I loved that man. If God did indeed call me to that love, and even if changing me was His only purpose (I don’t think it was), it would still be enough.
Inspired by my friend, and this great post about King David and his first wife Michal, I searched the Bible this week for all the direct statements that X loved Y. As an overall picture emerged, I was stunned. With a few exceptions, the Biblical stories of people who loved other people are rife with disaster and tragedy. I’m talking Game of Thrones type stuff, and not just romantic love, either – all four loves are clearly represented. I can’t speculate whether these relationships were poor decisions, “God’s will,” or what, but I find it interesting that these are the loves God chose to highlight in His Word. It’s depressing and encouraging at the same time. To me it shows that a sad ending – or any ending – to a relationship doesn’t mean God’s hand wasn’t on that relationship. (Just look at Hosea, a story that I still connect and wrestle with.) It’s also proof that God can use even the messiest, most dysfunctional love to advance His kingdom. Not that we shouldn’t use wisdom when bringing people into our lives, or let them walk all over us. But if we get hurt, if we lose everything, there is still hope and purpose to be found.
One of my favorite quotes, which I occasionally mention here, is Goethe’s “In all things, it is better to hope than to despair.” Well, it follows that it’s also better to love than to be afraid to love. As C.S. Lewis famously said: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
When you’ve experienced real loss, it’s natural to want to shut your heart away to make sure you’ll never experience it again. But in the end, the thought of developing an unbreakable heart is scarier to me than the thought of reliving the pain. I want to be open even if it hurts. You can’t grow when you’re living guarded and afraid. Love, any kind of love, is always worth it.
4 Comments + Posted in: faith, love
Today’s Top 10 Tuesday topic at The Broke and the Bookish is Beach Reads… so I couldn’t resist chiming in!
1. Secret Society Girl by Diana Peterfreund – The first in a series of four novels about Ivy League secret society that put Diana Peterfreund on the map. These books are smart, funny, and suspenseful. What are you waiting for?
7 Comments + Posted in: reading, summer
About a year ago, some girlfriends and I were discussing the plethora of cool Memphis restaurants that we hadn’t been to. We thought they would be great choices for dates, but unfortunately, none of us were dating anyone. Then we looked at each other and realized, what was stopping us from going together? And so the Dinner Club was born. We go out about once a month to a hot restaurant that most of us haven’t been to before.
We hung out at a downtown rooftop once (at the River Inn) and liked it a lot. So when I saw an I Love Memphis post about the renovated Madison Hotel rooftop, I forwarded it to the girls. On Saturday, we went downtown and ate a fantastic dinner at the original Local on Main. Then we walked the few blocks over to the Madison in perfect weather. Our goal was to watch the sunset from the rooftop, but apparently a lot of other people had the same idea, because they were at capacity. We had to wait in the lobby until some people came down. Thankfully, we made it just in time for the sunset!
Anyone who thinks Memphis isn’t beautiful needs to take a look at this view in person. I felt blessed and free up on the roof looking at the lights and stars (and incoming FedEx planes that looked like stars), with my good friends and a delicious mojito.
The fireworks at the nearby Redbirds game were our cue to leave, and we made it out of the parking garage before hundreds of people descended. We all agreed that it was a perfect evening. I think we can make an exception and go back to the rooftop. We didn’t have dinner there, so it doesn’t count. :)
While it was great with friends, I would also love to be taken there by a guy I liked. You can’t look at that gorgeous view and not feel romantic. At least I can’t.
Add a Comment + Posted in: friends, memphis
Friday Links time!!!
♥ Post of the week from the always-refreshing Christa Black: Why “Loving God and Loving People” Doesn’t Work. Really powerful reminder of grace.
♥ Kristen at Chasing Blue Skies salutes the late bloomers! Man, that phrase always puts the Sarah Harmer song in my head. Oh late bloomer, the rumors were true. You know I checked your ID when you left the room.
♥ Jennifer Fulwiler’s tips for conquering crazy-think and making good decisions. Very helpful.
♥ Jen Hatmaker guests at A Deeper Story: Do Not Stumble On Account of Me. This piece inspired me to go to my concordance and write down everything the Bible says about God’s justice. I also want to write down what it says about His love, which thankfully will be a much longer list.
♥ A valuable post for the introverts from Donald Miller: How to Avoid a People Hangover.
♥ Also from Storyline, a Shauna Niequist post: Stop Hustling and Get Your Life Back. *standing ovation*
♥ Deep thoughts from novelist Megan Crane on miracles, womanhood, and secret shames. I really related to the second half of this.
♥ It’s almost two months old, but I still think about Hollywood Housewife’s post about her sprained ankle. I found it surprisingly profound in its simplicity.
♥ This anti-drug PSA LOLCat still totally cracks me up: Catnip: Not Even Once
♥ Gretchen Rubin points out that everything is NOT “so different these days.”
♥ This is slightly old news, but Spencer Hall of SB Nation wrote an AMAZING article about his experience in Memphis during the Grizzlies’ NBA playoff run that I’m sure will be quoted here for decades to come. Some of his words may even make it into official promotional materials. :) “Memphis is the informal capital of the dirtiest part of the Dirty South. It’s not going to be normal. It’s not going to be easy.”
Happy weekend!
1 Comment + Posted in: what i'm into
I hate needing people.
I’ve spent a lot of my adult life actively cultivating toughness and independence. It hasn’t come naturally. There’s nothing wrong with seeking to be stronger and more capable, but I think I’ve crossed into a kind of unhealthy place. A place where I often feel like a failure if I have to call someone for help or prayer, or if I’m unable to, say, pick up and move a 50-inch TV. A place where my wrath is unleashed if anyone (especially a man) implies that I’m weak or can’t handle myself. An island where I try to heal my hurts by telling myself I don’t need anyone, people are undependable anyway, the only person I can always count on to have my back is me.
My parents, especially my dad, are the only people with totally free passage over my moat of self-reliance. When I was first navigating life and homeownership by myself, I had to let them help me. I couldn’t do it all alone. Years later, that’s still true more often than I like. But even though I don’t think they should have to help their 33-year-old daughter maintain her lawn mower, or come over to let her cable guy in, I can handle it because I know that my neediness will never drive them away. They’re not keeping accounts. They will still love and accept me no matter what. I don’t feel that security with anyone outside my immediate family. That’s not the fault of my close friends, who are steadfast, amazing, and have never given me reason to doubt them. It’s just my own personal damage. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, making their lives difficult or giving them a reason to ditch me. And when it comes to church community, that’s compounded by the vulnerability involved in talking about deeper needs. Handing people an opportunity to mock or shrug off or totally misunderstand your neediness is a scary, scary thing.
I generally don’t have a problem accepting my dependence on God. I’m constantly aware that I’m dependent on Him for everything, including the air I breathe. But my feelings about needing other people do affect how I feel about my need of God. I constantly fight the (false) impression that He’s exasperated with me, wondering when I’ll ever get a grip and stop pestering Him all the time. I feel apologetic when I get too petition-y in prayer. I get annoyed that with every year, I feel more dependent on Him, not less, and shouldn’t I have made progress by now? Last night I flipped through old sermon notes for encouragement and inspiration. Again and again, over more than a year’s worth of sermons, I saw this theme reflected back at me:
The thing is, I like to be needed. I like to be there for others in practical ways. It gives me a chance to show that I care, and be part of God’s work in their lives. It also helps me feel like my life means something. I fully understand the value of interdependence on the giving end, but have a hard time comprehending it on the receiving end. However, I recently had the revelation that spiritually healthy people are not afraid to be needed in a healthy way. If someone expects a relationship, even a casual friendship, to be 100% about her and her needs, something is wrong. If someone tears you down or cuts you out of his life for being too needy – in a normal way, not needy to a codependent, vampirish degree – the problem is with him, not you. That doesn’t totally take away the pain or humiliation, but it helps.
Neediness is messy and unpleasant and uncomfortable. But it’s an unavoidable part of being a human. Some people are just better at hiding or suppressing it than others.
8 Comments + Posted in: community, faith