Some random things I’ve learned/been pondering now that I’m the mother of a toddler:
When you have a baby or young child, you just need things to work. If I have any margin for error in my day, it’s very small. I need to be able to depend on my surroundings. I need my home set up as functionally as possible. One small issue can cause a ripple effect. My life would also be easier if I didn’t have to make special arrangements to go to Target, Costco, or basically any big box store besides Kroger. I have no intention of leaving my 105-year-old house in the heart of the city… but I get it now. For the first time I really get why new parents move to new homes in the suburbs, built for 21st century people, with underground power lines, located close to things families need. You can value history and culture and also value your sanity.
Super Simple Songs >>> Cocomelon
Showing up on time to anything is very hard. Toddlers have, at best, a vague grasp of the concept of time. I can plan the morning with the best intentions, but when C decides he doesn’t want to put on socks and shoes today, those intentions are shot. Thankfully my employer, my church, etc. have given me a lot of grace, but as a formerly punctual person, this has been a blow to my ego.
There is never enough time in general. The adage about “work, marriage, exercise, a clean house, friends, you can pick two” (or whatever) is THE TRUTH.
Children are people. This concept could be a whole book (someone’s probably already written it). I don’t know why this is so hard for so many to grasp. Expecting babies to conform to specific habits and benchmarks practically from the moment of birth is ridiculous. From the get-go, they are individuals with their own preferences and issues. I’m only interested in advice and methods that acknowledge that, and don’t try to force me or my kid into a box.
On a related note, there is nothing more stressful than problems with your child’s sleeping and/or eating. And then other people blaming you for those problems, because clearly they’re happening due to your failure to do some very simple thing.
25 people can tell me I’m doing a great job as a mom, but I can’t fully absorb the encouragement if people close to me (or people in authority) don’t agree.
I saw a TikTok recently that said feeling like a failure is a core part of parenthood, and you just have to accept that and move on. I remind myself of it a lot. It helps.
Everything is a moving target. As soon as you get a handle on one thing with your child, there’s a new puzzle to solve.
Two of the most helpful things people have said to me are: “The crib is a safe place” (because sometimes you need to set them down and take a minute) and “We know he won’t be a high schooler who gets around by rolling” (because, does it really matter that he started crawling a few weeks “late”?).
The transition from non-mobile to mobile happens VERY FAST. Despite knowing in theory that it was coming, we were not ready. Our babyproofing process is ongoing.
Over the years, many of my friends became mothers and inevitably drifted away, or only wanted to talk about mom things. As a childless person, I assumed I wasn’t interesting to them anymore and/or they felt I couldn’t possibly know anything about their experience, or kids in general. Maybe that’s true for some women (thanks, patriarchy!). But for me, there is currently limited space in my brain or life for anything besides mom things. It’s not that I don’t care, or that I think being a mom makes me superior in any way. It’s that I am at capacity.
Parenthood changed my orientation to everything. I see the world differently. I can no longer hear about upsetting things happening even to fictional children (while pregnant, I read a synopsis of a novel that haunted me for days; the other day I almost had to leave the room when a baby was in peril on a show Taylor was watching). I am also still figuring out what it looks like to be a mom in a marriage of equals. I worked for over a decade to overcome my doormat nature and programming, and the moment C was born, it was like DOORMAT REMIX! It was a psychological avalanche, and I’m still digging. Looking forward to the day when I figure this out and can pass a pickax back to other struggling moms.
My son is a delight, even when he’s not. I am amazed that I made him. I’m so glad he’s here.
Brenda – SO well said. It gets, sort of, easier as your kids become more self-reliant and you get used to what works for your family, but I can still identify with much of what you said here very deeply. It does change your orientation. You do start rediscovering yourself as an independent person after awhile, but it takes time and something has fundamentally shifted. You never go back to the person you were before. It’s not that you are superior now, it’s just that you’re different. For the rest of your life, different.
The baby days are so, so rough. Magical and beautiful and awe-inspiring and fleeting, but also heavy and isolating and full of doubt. I didn’t have a lot of support when my girls were tiny, which is why LJ/DW were so important to me. I can’t say it gets easier, it just gets different. It definitely gets a lot more fun as they get older and become even more their own little people. But there will be a day when you look back and say, yeah, that wasn’t very important (like your example of rolling over) or, yeah, I definitely did that right. With children, you really do have to take it one day at a time.
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