Main Events:

I was excited to celebrate this Valentine’s Day with Taylor after being single for the last seven! We planned to go to the Grizzlies game on the actual day and figure out something else to do that weekend, but ended up having our Valentine date the night before (after my Mardi Gras plans fell apart). He also brought me roses and chocolate. ♥ The Valentine’s Day game was entertaining – a mascot wedding was planned at halftime, but as I predicted, Grizz’s rival mascot busted it up.

One of my best friends, Alanna, had a healthy baby boy on Groundhog Day! Our friend group spent the day in suspense, and once we got confirmation of his birth, I said the real question was whether he saw his shadow. It was a sunny day, so maybe he did. In other friend baby news, we had a lovely tea at an antique store for Myla, who’s expecting a girl.

My little brother turned 30. I’m still trying to comprehend it. My mom also has a February birthday, and it turns out Taylor’s mom and brother do too! That’s a lot of family birthdays for the shortest month of the year.

 

Reading:

I’ve mentioned that I have to exercise at night now rather than at lunchtime, so in exchange, lunchtime has become book time. I’ve been struggling more than usual to get through serious nonfiction books. It occurred to me I’m still absorbing tons of new information every day at work, and maybe I should let my brain rest. So I’m indulging in a lot of fiction and lighter reads. I could go on at length about any of these, so hit me up if you want to discuss!

 

Listening:

I’m not a huge podcast person, but they’re a good entertainment option at the gym, and I could not resist the siren call of Oprah’s conversation with Reese Witherspoon and Mindy Kaling. I laughed, I cried, I related. So good. Also, when I was having a bad anxiety week, a friend recommended the three-part Uncovering Techniques series on the Feeling Good Podcast.

 

Watching:

I saw Black Panther on opening weekend and can’t wait to see it again! (My favorite thinkpiece so far: The Tragedy of Erik Killmonger) I was also excited for Annihilation. There are a lot of changes from the book, but I understand why they were made, and the movie is great in its own right. If you haven’t read the books, be ready for some super creepy and disturbing (but thought-provoking) stuff.

February TV was all about the Winter Olympics! As usual, skating is my favorite, though I was way more into pairs this time and wish Virtue and Moir would just declare their love already.

 

Travel:

I took a quick work trip to the Cincinnati area to tour one of our mills and help give a training presentation. My new job is great! I also enjoyed Skyline Chili and Graeter’s ice cream. It seems like a fun city and I hope to make a weekend trip at some point (primarily to see Fiona at the zoo).

 

Around Town:

Kelsey got Supper Club into the VIP preview night of Memphis’s new Dave & Buster’s. It was a blast. I got excited about the light-up ice cubes and Giant Pac-Man, and Taylor killed at basketball and faux beer pong.

I stopped by the grand opening of our newest local craft brewery, Crosstown Brewing Co. The beer is good and I think it’ll be a great place to hang out! The next day, we went to the opening weekend of the new Maciel’s Tacos location on Highland. I never realized before how I automatically want in on the newest exciting thing right away, and maybe sometimes I would be better off waiting for the crowds to die down and the kinks to get worked out. I’m not an early adopter with things, but when a buzzy new place opens or event happens I’m there on day one like a bug to a light. Hipster problems.

 

Cooking/Eating:

I made a grasshopper cake for the Super Bowl – Taylor and I watched at his place with his parents and my dad. I was inspired by a Martha Stewart cake recipe I’d made many Super Bowls ago with Andes mints cut into football shapes, but I remembered that one taking hours, because there are no shortcuts with Martha. In contrast, everything about this cake was a shortcut. Box mix, canned frosting doctored with peppermint additives, and Andes mints crumbled on top. It was good enough for us.

I’ve discovered the magic of spaghetti squash! Preheat the oven to 400, cut squash in half, add salt, pepper, and olive oil, roast cut side down 45-50 minutes, scrape out and add whatever you want. A vegetable that operates like spaghetti. Life-changing.

 

Beauty:

Brenda’s Skincare Reboot, Chapter 2: I had a great start with the Keeva tea tree lotion I mentioned in January, but am now shiny and breaking out everywhere (it’s also been warmer and more humid this month). In frustration, I’ve added a new toner and a benzoyl peroxide lotion to alternate with the tea tree. After an in-depth consult with my K-beauty expert friend Esther, I also switched to a lower pH cleanser. Updates forthcoming.

In makeup news, my favorite beauty vlogger finally convinced me to give in to the Makeup Revolution Naked Chocolate Palette, now too-conveniently available at Ulta. They also ran a good online sale on the Urban Decay Naked On the Run Palette, which I’ve been considering since it was released years ago. The slots for eyeliner and mascara finally convinced me it was worth it for travel or generally being, you know, on the run. Now I only have to grab one thing instead of curating a makeup bag. I took it on my business trip and loved it (with the exception of the mascara, which isn’t even close to my Holy Grail mascara). The 24/7 eyeliner is incredible.

And yes, I realize my palette situation is out of control – I’m taking a step back.

 

Wellness:

The Run the 901 series cranked up in February. I had no idea what to expect leading up to the 10K, because while my cross-training is going well, I hadn’t been running at all. It ended up being my second-fastest 10K distance! I felt good the whole time, and my increased strength from weight training was evident. It was really encouraging. After that, I again did not run until the 15K two weeks later. I knew I ought to run a little on the treadmill at least, but by then I was kind of curious about how much I could do cold turkey. Well, I found out!! I ran out of gas a little past mile 8, when we turned uphill and into the wind, and had to walk most of the remainder of the race. But I did it! Shortly after the race, I felt slightly lightheaded but tried to shrug it off. By 5 pm I was in bed with the worst case of “runner’s flu” I’ve ever had. It made me even more hesitant about the half next month, but I want to see the series through – I’ll just walk if/when I need to. I don’t think my pride could have handled that two months ago, but suddenly I’m fine with being strong and fit enough to say “Hey, I think I’ll run 9 (or 13) miles today,” and not die. In any case, after this half, I am officially retiring from distances over 15K. Like Lindsey Vonn, I also reserve the right to change my mind about that in a year or two.

I’ve been in a weird, defensive emotional place about church and was hesitant to agree to go to a series of leadership meetings over the next few months. But the first meeting made me SO GLAD I did. I left incredibly encouraged and comforted by the direction my church is going, and feeling like I can be of use just by being myself (what a concept!). The above is a list of stated goals and touchpoints FOR OUR CHURCH. They also happen to be some of my personal goals for life. Hope survives.

I didn’t go to an Ash Wednesday service this year, since it fell on Valentine’s Day and it was kind of a special one for me. I’m also not giving up anything this Lent, because nothing meaningful came to mind, but I signed up for a group read of a Henri Nouwen book, The Road to Daybreak. Nouwen always speaks to my heart no matter what state it’s in.

 

Your Monthly Rufus:

 

Quote of the Month:

 

On The Blog:

I wrote TWO things this month! Finding and Creating Your Community, and Shadowboxing and Detoxing (containing helpful info about burnout recovery).

 

Good Reads:

♥ Kelle Hampton: The Love of Many Things

♥ Elizabeth Kiefer: Serena Williams shared a harrowing postpartum story. And she was one of the lucky ones.

♥ A heartwarming story from my neighborhood: Bruce VanWyngarden in the Memphis Flyer: Mr. Potts is Found

♥ Lore Wilbert at Fathom Mag: Gather Your Seashells While Ye May

♥ Lindsey Coates: For the Slut Shamers

♥ Mandy Nicole: The Church of Rest

♥ Angela Giles Klocke: Leave the Shore

♥ Carly Novell, as told to Katie Van Syckle, for The Cut: My Grandfather Hid in a Closet During the First U.S. Mass Shooting. I Did the Same Thing at My Florida High School.

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Burnout has been the scourge of my adult life. It’s taken years of effort to start getting a handle on it. Even after I started drawing boundaries and saying no, there were major sources of burnout I couldn’t do much about. Until recently, the biggest was my job. For several years, I was basically a hamster on a wheel turning faster and faster. There was no space for growth or thinking or a future; just me and the wheel. Over time, I noticed my brain wasn’t working the same way it used to. It felt overdramatic to frame it that way, but I was undeniably fuzzier in the head. I’d always had a near-photographic memory and found it easy to concentrate. Now I missed details, couldn’t remember things (occasionally I had no recollection of entire conversations), and had a drastically reduced attention span – like I didn’t have the energy to focus on anything for long. I blamed it on depression, then, when depression eased, wondered if I had developed ADD out of the blue in my mid-thirties. In 2017, things got worse. On top of the mental fog, I started having heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and/or heartburn regularly. I was not doing well, and said so, a risk I took for the sake of my health. But no one could really do anything about it, because I was a very efficient hamster, and that wheel had to keep spinning.

When I accepted a new job at a new company, my therapist warned me it would take at least a year to recover completely from burnout. While I noted that advice, my new job is structured so differently that I felt noticeably better within weeks. I’m doing a variety of things with less urgency, and thinking more critically and abstractly. The fog is clearing – look, I’m even writing again! But all that space started to feel weirdly stifling, like I was thrashing around inside my own head. I worried about my job performance. I got excessively stressed about “failing at life” aka having reduced time for personal stuff and social/cultural obligations. I felt anxious about my relationship. I had an overwhelming sense that Something Was Wrong and I had to fix it immediately. I had tearful, nonsensical conversations with Taylor and my sister, which left me even more frustrated that I couldn’t express myself adequately or fully grasp what my problem was.

A couple of weeks ago at work, I noticed I was having all the old physical anxiety symptoms, even though nothing remotely stressful was happening. It occurred to me that maybe something deeper was going on, so I made a counseling appointment for the first time in months. The moment I finished trying to explain my mental state, my therapist assured me that my brain is detoxing! This information is the whole point of this post – it explains SO MUCH and I feel sure it will help others.

When you’re in a high-adrenaline environment for an extended time, your brain (specifically, the amygdala, which controls fight-or-flight type stuff) adjusts to accept that level of adrenaline as its new normal. So when you get out of the stressful environment into a calmer, more stable place, your brain gets confused and tries to increase the adrenaline level. My brain has joined the cast of Real Housewives – it is literally trying to create drama. It’s sending me vague alarm signals, and I’m trying to find something logical to pin them on, but there is no logic. Just adrenaline run amok. The bad news is, there’s nothing I can do but push through it. The good news is, as long as I don’t feed it with more drama, it will eventually go away. As always, just having an explanation has relieved and empowered me (this is why I love counseling!). When the freakouts come, I can step back and remind myself this is a thing happening to me, not something I’m doing wrong (my loved ones can remind me too). I’m good at powering through things. It’s kind of how I ended up in this situation in the first place.

In conclusion, the climb out of burnout continues. Shoutout to my fellow sojourners on the path.

 

(Photo by Jason Briscoe on Unsplash)

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Reader request from my friend Rachel: “Since you asked for potential future topics, may I request one on finding and creating your community? You seem to do this really well and I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on the topic.”

I’m glad Rachel asked about this, because I think about it a lot. I’m still processing a shift in my feelings about what community means. For much of my life I saw friendships and communities as covenantal, preferably permanent; one aspect of my overall life view that “rightness” equaled long-term loyalty and everything remaining the same. But in relationships as in life, I’ve learned to relax more and allow room for growth and change. Also, while I generally like people and wish I had the time and emotional capacity to be close with every great person I meet, I’ve stopped putting that pressure on myself. Not being best friends with someone doesn’t mean I like them any less. Although this new attitude is healthier, it’s also caused some internal tension, but I’ll get to that.

If I seem to be good at community, it’s largely because I moved to Memphis in fifth grade and never left. I’ve never had to start over from scratch socially. Having watched many transplants work to form a new local community as an adult, I know that’s no small thing. Also, my siblings and I have a theory that it’s not leaving your hometown that makes finding friends toughest – it’s leaving where you went to college. My college and immediately post-college friends are my foundational community, even though our lives have diverged and we don’t talk as much as we used to. I know they will always be there if I need them, and when we do get together, it’s like no time has passed. Through them, I met other core friends who I see more often.

For a while, a lot of my time has been spent with my situational community. This is the group that typically changes as your life does – when you and/or your foundational friends get married, have kids, move to a new city, all the big moves that are emotional for everyone involved. When I moved to Midtown almost three years ago, I was desperately in need of a new situational community. I still loved my existing friends, but most of them had moved on to other things. I needed new friends to go to events and have adventures with, and to help me feel positive and proactive about my single, childless state. Again, I was fortunate to make one well-connected friend who introduced me to a whole network of people looking for the same things. Without them, I would have had a rough, lonely time these last few years. However, eventually I started to feel the effects of living exclusively on relational chocolate chip cookies. I knew I needed some meat and vegetables too, so I started spending more intentional time with friends I could share and relate with about real, serious stuff. I’m still working on this.

Meanwhile, I have a small group of online friends I’ve known for the better part of a decade and talk to every day. They are my guaranteed meat and vegetables. We’re scattered across the world and are only all together once every couple of years, but they know more about my daily life and deep thoughts than most of my in-person friends. As annoyed as I often get with technology, I’m thankful it’s brought me this fellowship. I highly recommend finding some sort of online community if you don’t already have one. It will really enrich your life, and wherever you go, they’ll still be there! Personally, I think Twitter is underrated for making friends – I met several local friends and my boyfriend on Twitter. I’m also in a few running groups and blog page groups on Facebook that seem tight.

As the Christians in the house may have noticed, I have not yet mentioned The Church in this discussion of community. Until my mid-30s, I tried and failed to make the institutional church my foundational community, because that’s how they told us Christians should live. Again and again, I committed myself to Life Groups and Home Groups and Community Groups that got reshuffled every year like a deck of cards. I dutifully made new-baby meals and bought shower gifts for lots of people who probably don’t even remember my name. I tried to open up and be real in these groups, like they told us we should, and was mostly met with crickets. Maybe in another region of Christendom I would have had a different experience. Here in the South, I never fit to begin with… and as I’ve gotten older and more comfortable with myself, the gulf has widened. Over the years, I picked up some real friends here and there. But for the most part, I wasted a lot of relational energy trying to force community with people with whom I had no real connection beyond a shared faith. And fake relationships are a double drain. You’re straining to make it work (or at least look like it’s working), and also hurting because you still don’t have what you need.

When I started actively looking for friends outside The Church, I was stunned by the sincere welcome and abundance I found. People genuinely wanted to know me. There was no pressure to be a certain way. Groups formed because they wanted to, not because some elders got together and made assignments. It was so different. After experiencing that, I no longer have much patience for structured church communities. I now attend a relaxed and welcoming church, and have actual friends there whom I am always happy to see, but our relationships ebb and flow naturally. Someday I might want to join a small group again for one reason or another. But right now, I’m much happier throwing a wide relational net out in the world and giving my energy to My People, instead of trying to make fetch happen in a huddle. Occasionally I feel bothered that people are probably judging me for this. Then again, for a scorecard Christian, small-group rebellion probably doesn’t even make my top five offenses.

In summary, here are my learnings: Community is flexible, and the more you can roll with that, the more peaceful you will be. It changes as your needs and lives change, and that’s okay. Change doesn’t negate your care for each other, the good times, or the important role you play in each other’s lives. Community is better when it happens organically, and even if it starts out as a structured group (which is necessary sometimes), the real community within will eventually emerge (or not). One community is probably not enough – you contain multitudes and need friends for your different facets and interests. Even if you’re an introvert, don’t be afraid to have a large situational community and keep meeting new people. You are not deeply emotionally obligated to them all, and if you’re single, it might take a lot of friends to fill the gap of a life partner (I’ve always been that way). If you’re having trouble finding community, don’t be afraid to look outside your normal parameters. You just haven’t found your people yet, but they’re out there. Don’t give up. There is a place for everyone.

 

[Photo via Unsplash: Kevin Curtis]

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Main Events:

Happy New Year! I rang in 2018 at a house party with Taylor, then spent New Year’s Day eating waffles and organizing my house in my pajamas. Pretty great start! Even-numbered years give me a better gut feeling than odd-numbered ones, so I’m hopeful for good things this year.

We had two winter events in quick succession this month. MLK weekend brought a layer of ice followed by a layer of snow and temperatures in the single digits. It warmed up enough for things to start melting; then we got several more inches of snow. I enjoy snow, but by Wednesday I had a little cabin fever and was excited to go back to work! I don’t think I could survive in a place where everything is frozen all winter.

I’m settling into a more consistent routine at my new job. I finally had my new-hire orientation and am feeling more at home. As a recovering perfectionist, not having high productivity or mastery over my job is tough, but I’m gaining some ground, and my new co-workers are great. I know this was the right next step for me and feel much better than I did a few months ago. My blood pressure has literally dropped 20 points.

 

Reading:

In an effort to read more intentionally this year, I refined a “2018 reads” list on Goodreads from my general TBR of over 500 books. I’m also making a point to read on my lunch breaks, now that I’m not exercising at lunch anymore. Hopefully 2018 won’t be another record low book total. I kicked off the year with two memoirs and two novels, and enjoyed them all.

 

Listening:

Jennifer Knapp’s Kansas and Anna Nalick’s Wreck of the Day are two of my top-ten favorite albums of all time. I just discovered both artists released new albums last year! Still deciding how I feel about them. My emotional resonance with Knapp remains strong, but Nalick seems to have gone further down a self-destructive yet musically intriguing road a la Lana Del Rey or Sharon Van Etten.

 

Watching:

Ashley and I fittingly ventured two miles on ice-covered roads to the movie theater to see I, Tonya. It was fascinating and well-acted by all (Sebastian Stan can make even a straight-up D-bag somewhat sympathetic). I think things would turn out differently for Tonya if her story played out today, in a culture more aware of long-term abuse and how it can affect your choices and future.

Now that I work at a paper company, I’ve been rewatching The Office in bursts. I also watched most of the first season of Portlandia. Some of it is brilliant, but my threshold for really awkward comedy is low, so I’m not sure I’ll make it through the whole series.

 

Travel:

I went to Nashville to participate in the Women’s March with my sister and her family. She and my older niece came to Memphis to march with me last year, and we all loved the experience. The atmosphere was great in Nashville too! Fifoo made her own sign and was excited to be a “girl march” veteran at five years old. After the march, we got ice cream at Mike’s on 2nd Avenue, and it was some of the best ice cream I’ve ever had.

 

Around Town:

All I did around town this month was watch basketball – the Grizzlies had a home-heavy month with several three-game weeks, and then there were Tigers games too. Sadly, neither team is doing great, but there are flashes of potential here and there. The high point of Grizz January was the annual MLK game. This year’s uniforms were inspired by the iconic I Am a Man signs, and I liked them a lot.

 

At Home:

For Christmas I got two essential oil diffusers/humidifiers. It was great timing since my regular humidifier was impossible to keep clean and too far gone. I also splurged on a good air purifier, mainly because Taylor seemed to be having a reaction to something in my house. It turned out he was just getting the flu. (He’s fine now!) But with a cat, and carpet in half my house, it’s a good thing to have anyway.

Last summer I gave my friend Stacey a One Line a Day journal from her wedding registry, and my parents got me one for Christmas! I can handle writing a few sentences each night, and it’ll be fun to look back. But it’s not an ingrained habit yet, so sometimes I have to catch up a few days at once.

 

Cooking/Eating:

As is typical in the winter months, I cooked a decent amount in January. I tried a camarones enchilados recipe I’ve had saved forever, a stir-fry recipe, and a few soups. Taylor’s area of expertise is pizza, and he made a nice one for me one weekend.

 

Beauty:

My adult acne is acting up, and I’ve been feeling down and embarrassed about it. I started Googling oily skincare routines and heard about a blogger who uses Keeva Tea Tree Oil Acne Treatment Cream and Skinfood Black Sugar Mask Wash Off Exfoliator. Despite reading for years that oily skin does need moisturizer, I’ve always been horrified by the idea of putting anything hydrating on my shiny-by-9-am face. But her before and after pics convinced me to take a chance on these two items. I’ve been applying the Keeva morning and night for almost two weeks and am amazed by how much better my skin already looks and feels. The black sugar mask makes my face smooth in a totally new way. I plan to keep using this for as long as it works. Summer will be the real test!

 

Wellness:

I hate to be a cliché, but this has been a big month for wellness! Changing jobs in December completely upended my fitness routine, so I joined a basic gym near my house and have been doing cardio and weights there 2-3 times a week. It’s working for me right now. I’m also proud to say I did yoga for 30 straight days! I signed up for Yoga with Adriene’s TRUE series almost as an afterthought. I’m used to tough hour-long yoga classes, so I didn’t think 20-40 minute videos would be that impactful, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Rufus participated too. He really seems to look forward to rolling around on the floor with me listening to Adriene’s calming voice.

Meanwhile, I’m registered for a 5K < 10K < 15K < half series and am totally unprepared. I missed the opening 5K when I went to Nashville. Between SAD, my eternally-painful left hamstring, and hatred of both the treadmill and running in the dark, I have done exactly one training run. I should be able to manage the 10K this weekend, but after that it’s going to start getting interesting. Once this series is over, I’m probably taking a long break from “distance” running. I hoped my hamstring pain (diagnosed by my last yoga teacher as “yoga butt”) would go away on its own, but it’s been over a year, and massages and stretching have done nothing. I guess it’s time to see an orthopedist.

 

Your Monthly Rufus:

 

Quote of the Month:

 

On The Blog:

I talked about my One Word for 2018, Fearless. I’m in a better headspace these days and want to write and blog more, but I’ve forgotten how to pull topics out of thin air. If you have anything you want me to write about, I’m all ears!

 

Good Reads:

♥ Margaret Felice: What Grows in Winter

♥ Jen Clarke: I’ll Stick with Water, Thanks

♥ Annie Mueller at Catapult: 8 Exercises to Help You Let Go of the Things that No Longer Serve You

♥ Mark Manson: How to Let Go: Learning to Deal with Loss

♥ Frank Murtaugh in the Memphis Flyer: The Three Types of Tiger Basketball Fans (I used to be Type A but am veering Type B)

♥ Alejandra Ramos: The Clothes That Got Away

♥ Fearless Post of the Month: Laura Jean Truman: When Queer Christians Doubt. Relatable for anyone who’s ever set long-held beliefs aside.

♥ Abby Perry at Christ and Pop Culture: The Church Needs a Masterclass in How to Apologize for Sexual Assault

♥ This is a long and intense read, but its many implications have continued to blow my mind for days. Lili Loofbourow in The Week: The Female Price of Male Pleasure

 

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For five years, instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I’ve participated in One Word 365. I usually start putting out intuitive feelers for my next word around Thanksgiving. I think and pray about what I’ve been struggling with, what I want to work on, my hopes and goals for the new year. I make a mental shortlist, spend time with each option to see which feels right, and don’t make a final decision until the last minute. Well, that process didn’t quite play out this year. 2018 came to me earlier and more clearly than any of the others. I like to get a word-related piece of jewelry each year, and I was so sure of my choice, I went ahead and ordered a bracelet.

On New Year’s Day, I got a sense that 2018 will be a quieter year for me, more about rooting than charging out and conquering. I could be wrong – and I don’t intend to sit on the sidelines – but I think it’s a time to be peaceful and enjoy reaping a harvest. As I thought about this, I suddenly wondered if I made a mistake, if I chose an aggressive word on autopilot because that’s just what I do now. But I’ve decided these hunches and my word are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I need some external peacefulness to have the internal capacity to wrestle with this word. So I give you:

 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. – I John 4:18

Be truthful, gentle, and fearless. ― Gandhi

Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it. ― Veronica Roth

There are no guarantees except this one: if we dwell on our fears, we will definitely miss the joys of the unexpected. — Arianna Huffington

Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice. — Will Smith

In our particular historical situation, waiting is even more difficult because we are so fearful. One of the most pervasive emotions in the atmosphere around us is fear. People are afraid – afraid of inner feelings, afraid of other people, and also afraid of the future. – Henri Nouwen

We get used to living one way, even if it’s a bad way or a hard one. When that’s gone, there’s a hole to fill. It’s in our nature to try to fill it with anxieties and fears. It can take time to fill it with good things instead. ― Cassandra Clare

 

On the far side of any life-altering trauma, fear is a tricky thing. On one hand, surviving something awful gives you the strength and confidence to feel like fear should have no more power over you. On the other hand, you have a permanent limp and are unsure how much more you can survive. As an Enneagram Six, I’ve struggled with fear and anxiety all my life, but the last eight years have changed the landscape. I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be, but I’ve also felt sure at times that one more blow would do me in. Even the improvements in my circumstances have produced new fears, from taking more chances and having more to lose. The continuing evolution of my faith and how I’m living it out freaks me out here and there. Meanwhile, on a macro level, the world is an increasingly scary and unstable place.

In 2017, I found myself paralyzed by fear regularly. Rarely for more than a few moments, but more often than I deemed acceptable. I think I’ve dealt with it okay, but in a momentary get a hold of yourself type way. Growing beyond that is what I’m after with Fearless. From the first moment it popped into my brain, I’ve never meant it to be about crazy stunts or anything. This is about my mind and heart. I prayed for abundance, and amazingly, I got it. Now I have a lot of fears to shake off:

♥ Fear of failure as I learn a job I haven’t done before.

♥ Fear of consistently being vulnerable with my boyfriend, trusting the process of a relationship between two imperfect people, and maintaining that it doesn’t have to conform to anyone else’s expectations.

♥ Fear of permanently returning to an emotionally and spiritually low place. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

♥ Fear of God (and not the “good” kind). My relationship with God is mostly on a sliding scale between wariness and outright fear. Ultimately, I believe most of my spiritual reconstruction has been healthy and good. This part needs more work. I have to overcome my fear of God in order to trust him again. I don’t have a clue how to accomplish that, but this word is my way of offering up good intentions. I also subscribed to a daily “fear not” e-mail (“fear not” is the most frequent command in the Bible, though the actual number of times is debated).

♥ Fear of disapproval as I stand up for my beliefs and rights, and the rights of others. I’ve made progress in this area – I’ve had to – but it’s still excruciating. That fear is part of what’s kept me pretty silent here. I know there’s a cost for writing more honestly.

♥ Fear of disappointing people as I continue to set boundaries and say no to things. Turns out I’m not superhuman and cannot do everything everyone asks of me, even when they think I should.

So there you go. #Fearless2018. If you have a word for this year, tell me about it!

Wrap bracelet by Sunchaser Fine Art

 

About my previous One Words:
2017: Abundance // 2016: Light // 2015: Enough // 2014: Alive // 2013: Focus

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