Seven years ago, I stopped doing New Year’s resolutions. Instead, I choose a word to guide my year. I start thinking about common themes in my life and the world around me, what I need help with, and what I think God is showing me. The practice of choosing a word has become more natural over time, and this year’s word is a pure shot from the gut. I probably underthought it. 2019 was my year of upheaval. I experienced almost every major life change (sometimes twice – three homes in six months!). While much of it was driven by positive events, it’s certainly taken a toll. So when I paused to think about what I want and need in 2020, only one thing came to mind.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – Jesus, John 14:27
Give it to God and go to sleep. – Elizabeth Esther
As peacemakers, we must resist all the powers of war and destruction and proclaim that peace is the divine gift offered to all who affirm life. Resistance means saying no to all the forces of death, wherever they may be. – Henri Nouwen
[W]e’ve forgotten what it’s like to live in a peaceful and reasonable climate. If there is to be any peace or reason, we have to create it in our own hearts and homes. – Madeleine L’Engle
We come in peace, but we mean business. – Janelle Monae
Here are some aspects of peace I want to explore this year:
Peace in the home. On January 2, Taylor and I moved into what we hope will be our long-term home. After a year of instability and never knowing where most of my stuff was, I’m so thankful to have plenty of space for both of us to spread out and really settle in. I spent most of last year not able to fully connect with or rest in my home because I knew I’d have to leave it soon. Now we can create a lasting place of peace. I hope to be a good steward of our home with lots of loved ones under our roof, a clearly designated place for everything, and many happy hours of gardening.
Peace in my heart. We live in turbulent, scary times. I can’t establish an inner core of peace by looking around me. I have to find it within, so it can radiate out to a world that needs it. I want to really trust God again, something I’ve been struggling with for several years. I want to get better at tuning out the critical voices in my head that are (probably) much harsher than what anyone is thinking in reality. I want to learn more about contemplation. I need space and silence.
Being a peacemaker. This does not mean refusing to rock the boat – to paraphrase two of my quotes above, peacemaking can be pretty badass. I don’t know exactly what that looks like or where the boundaries are, but I plan to start finding out.
That’s all I’ve got. I’m tired and ready for peace!
Previous Words
2019: Love
2018: Fearless
2017: Abundance
2016: Light
2015: Enough
2014: Alive
2013: Focus
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Here are the best and the rest of the books I read in 2019! It was a good reading year.
Top 10 Fiction
Next Year in Havana – Chanel Cleeton I learned so much from this novel about a Cuban-American woman who travels to Havana to scatter her beloved grandmother’s ashes.
Love Saves the Day – Gwen Cooper Stick with me here: This is a story about love, loss, and gentrification in New York City from the perspective of a cat. It’s surprisingly deep and moving.
Vivian Apple at the End of the World – Katie Coyle A post-Rapture YA road trip novel in which those Left Behind decide to go get some answers. Recommended for both exvangelicals and fans of The Leftovers (I’m still in season 1). This book also has one of my favorite covers of the decade.
The Newlyweds – Nell Freudenberger A character-driven novel about an arranged marriage that hits on some universal truths about marriage and family.
City of Girls – Elizabeth Gilbert This book really is a gem. It’s about a young woman moving to NYC in 1940 to live with her aunt, who owns a rundown theater. I originally gave it 4 stars because parts of the plot are so painful, but upon more reflection bumped it to 5.
Rules for Visiting – Jessica Francis Kane A semi-reclusive gardener uses a month’s leave from work to attempt to rekindle old friendships. I loved all the plant talk (and illustrations).
Severance – Ling Ma A zombie apocalypse story from an immigrant perspective. I think it’s the only book of the year that I finished in one evening.
Save the Date – Morgan Matson A madcap wedding-gone-wrong YA, involving a comic strip CLEARLY based on For Better or For Worse, which contributed to my enjoyment.
All the Names They Used for God – Anjali Sachdeva A compelling and diverse short story collection. One is about women taken by Boko Haram.
♥ Light from Other Stars – Erika Swyler ♥ My favorite fiction of 2019. This novel has everything: Florida, the 80s, space travel, weird science, a child genius protagonist, families who really love each other but are bad at expressing it, a vibe that’s sort of Contact meets Stranger Things.
Top 10 Nonfiction
Miracles and Other Reasonable Things: A Story of Unlearning and Relearning God – Sarah Bessey Sarah’s latest is centered around her recovery from a serious car crash, but there’s a lot more to it than that. It’s beautiful.
I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness – Austin Channing Brown Austin spoke at my church this fall as part of our Rabbit Hole lecture series, and I read this book with one of my book clubs. Her message is desperately needed.
Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass – Frederick Douglass I can’t believe it took me so long to read this. My mind was blown by how relevant Douglass’s words still are today, and my heart was broken by his story and the many stories that it represents.
How the Bible Actually Works: In Which I Explain How An Ancient, Ambiguous, and Diverse Book Leads Us to Wisdom Rather Than Answers — and Why That’s Great News – Peter Enns Surprise, Pete Enns was another Rabbit Hole speaker at my church this year! His refreshing, low-pressure approach has made me want to engage with the Bible again.
The Most Beautiful Thing I’ve Seen: Opening Your Eyes to Wonder – Lisa Gungor Lisa’s memoir is a little fanciful at times, but very honest and relatable.
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle – Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski A must-read scientific explanation of the distinct burnout and stress that modern women experience, and what we can do about it.
Becoming – Michelle Obama An inspiring and entertaining memoir from the former First Lady.
Very Married: Field Notes on Love and Fidelity – Katherine Willis Pershey I read this in January, so I’ll just quote the Goodreads review from author Eric Clapp: “Any book that can pull together quotes from the Gospels, Brene Brown, and Mindy Kaling while making beautiful points about the joy and insanity of marriage and life together is well worth the time to read.”
♥ I Miss You When I Blink: Essays – Mary Laura Philpott ♥ My favorite nonfiction of 2019. Just read it.
Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption – Bryan Stevenson An important true story of wrongfully accused prisoners and deep injustices. I haven’t seen the new movie yet, but it’s on my list.
OTHER FICTION
1. The Wrap-Up List – Steven Arntson
2. Red Rising – Pierce Brown
3. Designer You – Sarahlyn Bruck
4. Queen of Air and Darkness (The Dark Artifices, #3) – Cassandra Clare
5. Until We Meet Again – Renee Collins
6. One & Only – Viv Daniels
7. Sweet & Wild – Viv Daniels
8. Once and for All – Sarah Dessen
9. The Wedding Date – Jasmine Guillory
10. Royal Holiday – Jasmine Guillory
11. Bloodline (Star Wars) – Claudia Gray
12. The Friend Zone – Abby Jimenez
13. Paws and Effect (A Magical Cats Mystery, #8) – Sofie Kelly
14. Valencia and Valentine – Suzy Krause
15. The Unhoneymooners – Christina Lauren
16. Marilla of Green Gables – Sarah McCoy
17. Just for Clicks – Kara McDowell
18. The Final Six – Alexandra Monir
19. The Blue Castle – L.M. Montgomery (reread)
20. Anne’s House of Dreams – L.M. Montgomery (reread)
21. Rilla of Ingleside – L.M. Montgomery (reread)
22. Only Human – Sylvain Neuvel
23. All the Good Parts – Loretta Nyhan
24. I’m Fine and Neither Are You – Camille Pagán
25. Wilder Girls – Rory Power
26. One True Loves – Taylor Jenkins Reid
27. Juliet Takes a Breath – Gabby Rivera
28. Wayward Son – Rainbow Rowell
29. More Than Words – Jill Santopolo
30. Frankenstein – Mary Shelley (reread)
31. Fame Adjacent – Sarah Skilton
32. Windfall – Jennifer E. Smith
OTHER NONFICTION
1. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Brené Brown
2. The Friendship of Women: The Hidden Tradition of the Bible – Joan D. Chittister
3. Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy or How Love Conquered Marriage – Stephanie Coontz
4. Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men – Caroline Criado-Pérez
5. Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith – Michelle DeRusha
6. The Only Plane in the Sky: An Oral History of September 11, 2001 – Garrett M. Graff
7. The Vagina Bible – Dr. Jennifer Gunter
8. The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity – Dr. Nadine Burke Harris
9. I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening): A Guide to Grace-Filled Political Conversations – Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth A. Silvers
10. A Practical Wedding: Creative Ideas for Planning a Beautiful, Affordable, and Meaningful Celebration – Meg Keene
11. Two-Part Invention: The Story of a Marriage – Madeleine L’Engle (reread)
12. Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy – Anne Lamott
13. The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships – Harriet Lerner
14. Girl Squads: 20 Female Friendships That Changed History – Sam Maggs
15. All the Lives I Want: Essays About My Best Friends Who Happen to Be Famous Strangers – Alana Massey
16. The Wondering Years: How Pop Culture Helped Me Answer Life’s Biggest Questions – Knox McCoy
17. On Being 40(ish) – Lindsey Mead, ed.
18. I’ll Be There for You: The One about Friends – Kelsey Miller
19. Millenneagram: The Enneagram Guide for Discovering Your Truest, Baddest Self – Hannah Paasch
20. How to Be Married: What I Learned from Real Women on Five Continents about Building a Happy Marriage – Jo Piazza
21. The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships – Suzanne Stabile
22. Decluttering at the Speed of Life: Winning Your Never-Ending Battle with Stuff – Dana K. White
23. My Friend Anna: The True Story of a Fake Heiress by Rachel DeLoache Williams
24. Wearing God: Clothing, Laughter, Fire, and Other Overlooked Ways of Meeting God – Lauren F. Winner
2019 BOOK TOTAL: 76
1 Comment + Posted in: book reviews, year end
Sugar is in EVERYTHING. I started a “sugar busters” diet in May in advance of my wedding, and the first thing I did was spend two hours reading labels in Kroger. Turns out if food is in any sort of package, 90% of the time it has added sugar in it (and/or corn, which you’re also not supposed to have on the diet). It was eye-opening, concerning, and infuriating, because it seems so unnecessary. I feel like with diabetes rates rising, this is going to have to change in the next decade. PS, I used to eyeroll at women who said “oh I can’t eat that, it’s too sweet!,” but eating this way has miraculously recalibrated my sweet tooth, and I feel better when I follow the plan most of the time.
Change is still not my strong suit. By my count, I had at least five major life events in 2019 (most of them positive). I’ve handled it better than any previous version of myself could have, but at this point I’m stretched to my limit emotionally. My husband has let it all roll off and keeps charging ahead into more changes; meanwhile I’m moving again before I’ve even fully grieved the home I moved out of six months ago. I fear 2020 is going to involve a lot of delayed processing.
My password situation is not sustainable. I spent collective HOURS of 2019 trying and failing to remember any of my 1,443 passwords on any of my 100 devices. Yes, I tell my devices to keep me logged in. No, they do not do it. It’s gotten so bad that being asked for a password causes an instant blood pressure spike and, on multiple occasions, tears of frustration. I tried installing one of those One Password to Rule Them All apps, but even that isn’t reliable. In 2020 I have to find a solution other than going completely off grid and moving to a farm.
Having women in leadership is crucial for all the obvious reasons and even more non-obvious ones. If I hadn’t had a supportive female boss during my miscarriage (and ongoing medical crap since), I probably would have tried to tough it out silently at work or been anxious about time taken for appointments, adding more trauma to an already difficult situation. Knowing she has my back and understands what I’m going through has meant EVERYTHING.
My internal relationship map has been out of date. This year, I realized again and again that important friendships had changed – I had been naively chugging along on old steam, not seeing how much both of us and our lives had evolved. It was hard. But I was also pleased to discover that other friendships were stronger and more dear than I had thought. And grateful for the friends who showed up this year in unexpected ways.
Remaining flexible and engaged as we age is crucial to health and happiness – for ourselves and others. I think about this a lot and am more convinced of it every day. My great-aunt Betsy, who died in 2010, is still my role model for aging well in this way. She never lost her curiosity or sense of adventure and always had a spark about her. Most importantly, she was open to change and new ideas. I believe a lot of people in this country (most of them older) are deeply unhappy because they refuse to budge an inch from the ideals of their youth. It feels like we have two realities in this country because a lot of people have opted out of being part of an evolving world. I am NOT saying there’s no such thing as truth or that we shouldn’t stand up for our beliefs. But humanity didn’t get off the train in Bible times, or 1950, or whenever. This train is going to keep moving all the way to the station, and we need everyone on it.
But: Some things aren’t for you, and that’s okay (I’m 40 Remix). It’s been startling to realize my pop culture relevance is declining. I Really Do Not Get some of 2019’s cultural touchstones, such as Tik Tok or Billie Eilish. But you know what? I don’t need to. Let the youths enjoy it. It’s fine.
What did you learn in 2019? Share your wisdom!
Add a Comment + Posted in: reflections, year end
I’ve completed this survey every December since 2001. This year, some of the questions felt repetitive, not applicable, or overly negative and I decided to make some changes. Many questions are the same, though. You can find past years’ posts in the Year End tag!
1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Gave up sugar (for the most part); got pregnant; had a miscarriage; deferred my own health insurance to get on with my spouse; became a landlady.
2. What was your One Word for the year?
My One Word for 2019 was Love. I never sat down and wrote about it, but I’ve experienced and contemplated it from all angles this year. More about this in another post if I have time.
3. What new places did you visit?
St. Lucia for our honeymoon! It was the closest I’ve ever been to the equator. I also took trips to NYC, Kansas City, and Miami (and, as usual, went to Nashville several times to see family).
4. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 15 – went to New York. April 13 – my “tea and books” bridal shower. May 1 – found out I was being moved to a new position at work with a new team and boss. May 11 – my Memphis-themed bridal shower. June 19 – Mike Conley traded to the Utah Jazz (yes it was a big enough milestone to make this list). June 22 – my bachelorette party. June 29 – OUR WEDDING DAY! July 23 – got the shock of my life when I found out I was pregnant. August 16 – my 40th birthday. August 19 – lost the baby. November 14 – our offer on a new house was accepted, when a week earlier, we had had no intention of moving.
5. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned the big 40. It was a Friday. I went to work in the morning, then treated myself to lunch and went to Ulta and Sephora for my free birthday gifts (still using the Drunk Elephant Protini cream!). In the evening, Taylor and I and all our parents went to dinner at Ecco. We had a party at our house the following night.
6. How will you spend Christmas?
Here in Memphis with Taylor, my parents, and his parents.
7. Did anyone close to you have a child in 2019?
My friend Brandi had an adorable baby boy in the spring.
8. Did anyone close to you die?
A new-ish addition to one of my friend groups died suddenly right at the beginning of January. I was just starting to get to know her, but I liked her a lot, and several of my other friends were close to her. It really shook everyone up.
9. What 2019 achievements are you most proud of?
Sticking with Pilates all year even on the days it felt horrible. Learning a complicated new job with almost no formal training. Getting married – considering my history, I think believing in love (and in Taylor) enough to take this chance again was pretty badass of me.
10. What do you wish you had done better?
I still have so much to learn about justice, inclusion, compassion, and grace toward people who are different from me. I also feel bad that I didn’t volunteer this year, unless you count being involved in the CYCA. Finally, I have not finished my wedding thank-you notes, because every time I really buckled down to do it, something big happened. Grateful that I’m allotted a full year.
11. What was the biggest challenge you faced?
The slow move out of my condo, while processing other huge, emotional changes. Taylor and my dad ended up handling most of the logistics because I was just too overwhelmed. As someone who wants to be capable and independent all the time, I do not feel good about that, but it’s the truth.
12. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Overall I was very healthy this year. However, I’ve had a lot of medical appointments since the miscarriage because I found out I have uterine fibroids. I’m under great care for that and am waiting for more information. PSA: per my doctor, 50% of women have fibroids and don’t even know it until something like this happens.
13. What was your best purchase?
Everything for the wedding. I wouldn’t change any of it.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Again, to the wedding. **cash-with-wings emoji**
15. What were your best new discoveries?
These pajamas. Forever 35. Pixi Glow Tonic. Pete Enns. Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg. Bri McKoy.
16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting married, becoming a real Cooper-Younger, seeing Hamilton on Broadway and standing on the stage right where Lin-Manuel Miranda stood, walking down the aisle to Don’t Stop Believing played by a string quartet, ESPN College GameDay, my church joining up with the lectionary (loving it!), snorkeling in St. Lucia and seeing lots of new fish, TIGERS EVERYTHING.
17. What song will always remind you of 2019?
Swag Surfin’
18. What concerts did you attend this year?
Ingram Hill, Weird Al Yankovic with an orchestra at the Orpheum, Ben Folds at the Shell, Lauren Daigle. I also got to attend a private symphony concert that my friend James won at an auction. It was a special experience.
19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn’t get particularly excited about any new musical artists this year. However, since getting a car adapter for my phone, I’ve discovered a ton of podcasts. Most of my drive time is now spent listening to podcasts.
20. What were your favorite TV programs?
This Is Us is still my #1, with The Good Place close behind, and the new addition of Memphis-set Bluff City Law. On streaming, I loved Four Weddings and a Funeral, Dead to Me, and The Umbrella Academy (I wasn’t sure how I felt about it while I was watching it, but it’s stuck with me).
21. What were your favorite films?
I made time for Captain Marvel and Avengers: Endgame. Always Be My Maybe was the most enjoyable movie on streaming – I’m ready for a rewatch!
22. What was the best gift you received?
We got a Roomba from Taylor’s brother and SIL. Life-changing.
23. What did you want and get?
Almost everything! ♥
24. What did you want and not get?
Five minutes to catch my breath; not to lose my baby.
25. How would you describe your personal style in 2019?
I tried to focus and simplify my style this year. I could never limit myself to a capsule wardrobe of basics, but I continue to hone in on what makes me feel best. It really does make life easier.
26. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lin-Manuel Miranda, as usual.
27. Who was the best new person you met?
I knew my now-boss, MiMi, before this year, but she’s become a good friend and I’m so thankful for her. We’re a great team. I also finally met my friend Marie in person after knowing each other online for about 15 years! I wish we lived closer.
28. What were the best conversations you had?
I had many great, thought-provoking conversations with my friend Vada and the other people in our book club. I always learn something.
29. What political issue stirred you the most?
I mean, everything. But I’m especially passionate about these extreme new state laws criminalizing miscarriage (a natural occurrence in 25% of pregnancies!!), and even insisting against all scientific evidence that it’s possible to “transfer” an ectopic pregnancy. Though they claim to be pro-life, these laws are designed to harm and punish women, and I will continue to object to them. And for the record, I felt this way before I had personal experience with the subject.
30. How have your beliefs changed this year?
2019 was a year of settling into/owning the shifts in belief that have occurred over the last few years. After Taylor and I got engaged, I suddenly felt more rooted in many ways, including my faith. I can now confidently say I’m in the reconstruction phase. I feel a joy, steadiness, and curiosity in my faith that I haven’t felt in a long time, but I’m also not interested in locking down a theology of every little thing. Overall I’m content to be open to mystery, follow Jesus as best I can, and let God be God. Some may question my Christianity because it doesn’t look like it used to, but thankfully that’s not their call to make.
31. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked this year?
A long-term home (it’s happening!!). A new laptop, as mine currently runs like a desktop from 1998. Hopefully a child.
32. What behaviors do you want to change in 2020?
I want to reduce my social media consumption/phone dependence; get more yoga back in my life; and work on a couple of specific spiritual things.
33. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Every time I walk down the street with you, I’m as proud as a girl can be
Just to know that you are mine and all that good loving belongs to me
In the presence of all my friends, you stood there holding my hand
And you promised me faithfully that you will be my only man. – Joss Stone
If the bottom drops out, I hope my love was someone else’s solid ground. – Sara Bareilles
As usual, I make no apologies for my musical taste.
1. breathin – Ariana Grande
This song centered me throughout my year of change and planning. Note: I wanted to see Ariana when she came to town this month, but flaked out due to finances and weird feelings about being a 40-year-old woman going alone. Next time.
2. Do You Believe in Love – Hanson
This song from the Play EP is apparently the deepest Hanson cut I’ve ever featured, and not available on Spotify, but worth looking up. It’s their Queen moment.
3. Harmony Hall – Vampire Weekend
In 2019 I finally broke out of denial and accepted that I love Vampire Weekend. This song is kind of a masterpiece on multiple levels.
4. Real Thing – Middle Kids
Mostly here for my enjoyment of the aaaaaAAAAAaaaaa, ooooOOOOoooo
5. In My Blood – Shawn Mendes
I find Shawn Mendes consistently rises above the fray of interchangeable young male pop stars. This is just a good, authentic song, a spiritual sister to Harry Styles’ “Sign of the Times,” which I also love non-ironically.
6. We Will Feast in the House of Zion – Sandra McCracken
My favorite song that we sing at my church. I wanted it for my bridal party processional, but it would have been too complicated with the string quartet. (I do not regret this tradeoff.)
7. The Bones – Maren Morris
I like Maren Morris a lot, and prefer this original version of the song to the new Hozier duet.
8. Shadow Days – John Mayer
This song has been out for a while, but this year it hit me in a whole new way. I love how music changes with you.
9. Orpheus – Sara Bareilles
The newest of the many songs I considered for our first dance. (We ended up going with the Memphis classic “Can’t Help Falling in Love.”)
10. Bridges – Johnnyswim
In some ways, marrying Taylor was a final step in a long personal evolution. I got a little bogged down in that at times during our engagement, but this song brought me back to myself with a jolt. It reminded me, as the Pinterest memes used to say, “Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”
11. Super Duper Love – Joss Stone
Another old-ish song that I heard for the first time in a store when I was shopping for wedding shoes. I downloaded it by the end of the day.
12. Orange Trees – MARINA
The latest addition to my Miami Feels playlist.
13. Lover – Taylor Swift
I enjoyed that the lyric “I’ve loved you three summers now, honey” was personally accurate.
14. Rainbow – Kacey Musgraves
This song is like a warm blanket that I want to wrap around myself and all my loved ones.
15. The Joke – Brandi Carlile
I was happy to see Brandi Carlile finally get her due in 2019, and this is a message so many people need.
16. Angela – The Lumineers
This song perfectly tapped into a specific but unexplainable melancholy that I felt at times this year.
17. I Know I’m Not the Only One – Tegan and Sara
Hey, I’m Just Like You is overall great, but this track just evokes everything I love about T&S.
18. Swag Surfin’ – F.L.Y.
While putting this list together, I was shocked to discover this song is ten years old. It was a Tigers anthem throughout this historic year, played constantly at football and basketball games. I think the band even got an arrangement of it. It has never once failed to get all the fans hyped, myself included (Taylor: “You’re not dancing?” Me: “I’m waiting for the bass to drop”), and is the song I’ll most associate with 2019. Who knew.
19. Found a Good One (Single No More) – Chance the Rapper feat. SWV
I got interested in Chance’s new album The Big Day because it was inspired by his wedding, and was all in once I saw the 90s R&B girl groups he recruited. SWV was my FAVE and I love hearing them again on this fun track. (The one featuring En Vogue is also good.)
20. Help Us To Love – Tori Kelly feat. The HamilTones
I like to conclude these in a sort of intention-setting way. I listened to this simple song a lot this year, and it nicely sums up my prayers for my Year of Love and our new year and decade. May we continue to love better.
Previous Years: 2018 // 2017 // 2016 // 2015 // 2014 // 2013 // 2012 // 2011
2 Comments + Posted in: music, year end